Talking to Adult Children about money: Balancing Fairness in Unequal Circumstances

Some children are better off than others due to circumstances, life choices or other reasons, but as a parent or a grandparent wanting to help manage family dynamics should try to remember that family dynamics can get tricky when one child is better off than another, but fairness doesn’t always mean equality

Recognize that each child has unique circumstances, strengths, and challenges. Avoid comparing them or making assumptions. Emphasize the values and principles that unite your family, such as hard work, responsibility, and generosity.

Encourage your child to reflect on their own financial decisions and goals. Tailor your support to each child’s circumstances. For instance, helping a struggling child with rent doesn’t require giving an equivalent amount to a more financially secure sibling. Example: "I know you're struggling with debt, but I'm proud of you for taking steps to address it. Let's work together to develop a plan to get you back on track. "

Help them identify areas for improvement and develop a plan to achieve their objectives. Put yourself in your child's shoes and try to understand their perspective. Explain your reasoning openly to avoid resentment. For example, “I helped your sibling because they needed it, but I hope you know that I value and support you equally.”

Acknowledge and celebrate your child's financial successes, no matter how small they may seem. This helps build confidence and motivation.

If direct financial support isn’t feasible or fair, offer help in other ways, such as providing childcare, sharing advice, or gifting heirlooms.

Involve the family in discussions about inheritance plans or other ways you intend to balance support. This avoids surprises and fosters mutual understanding.

By emphasizing fairness over strict equality and communicating openly, you can help preserve harmony while supporting your children in meaningful ways.

Discussing money with adult children is an opportunity to strengthen family bonds and instill lifelong financial habits. By fostering open communication, setting thoughtful boundaries, and addressing fairness with sensitivity, we can guide our children toward financial freedom while maintaining balance and harmony in the family. Remember to prioritize open communication, empathy, and understanding, and to focus on shared values and goals