Dealing with control issues

As we get older we are faced with aging friends, relatives, and parents that may cause us some frustration and grief. One thing to think about is that the characteristics of a person's personality often intensifies as they get older. So if someone is narcissistic this personality trait will be more pronounced as they age. One of my friends is dealing with a narcissistic family member and as we talked about the issue, I suggested looking at the site developed by James Messina for some ideas.

This is clipped from Tools for dealing with control issues/learning how to detach). By James J. Messina, Ph.D.

In order to become detached from a person, place, or thing you need to:..:

First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place, or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or codependent on.

Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places, or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being. 

Third: "Hand over'' to your Higher Power the persons, places, and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own. 

Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need'' to fix, change, rescue, or heal other persons, places, and things. 

Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick'' and "unhealthy'' to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal, or rescue another person, place, or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change. 

Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean'' and a "role model'' of health in order for another to recognize that there is something ``wrong'' with them that needs changing. 

Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel. 

Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings, and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places, or things you can blame for your unhealthiness. 

Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are ``sick'' behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places, and things.

Tenth: Accept that many people, places, and things in your past and current life are "irrational,'' "unhealthy,'' and "toxic'' influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.

Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life. 

Twelfth: Practice "letting go'' of the need to correct, fix, or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.

Personally, in place of the phrase "your higher power", I put God. I hope this list is helpful.

There are two more things that I want to add that I did not write. These have more to do with relating with someone who has borderline personality disorder, but they are useful elsewhere.

 (SET)Support - Empathy - Truth

Support refers to an initial statement, which indicates the loved one supports the person. It is a statement that begins with "I" and demonstrates concern and a desire to help. It can be anything that establishes a foundation for the relationship or interaction: "I want to try to help you feel better," "I care about you," or "I am worried about how you are feeling."

The support statement is meant to reassure the person that the relationship is a safe one, and that his/her needs matter even during this difficult moment.

Empathy refers to communicating that the loved one is trying to understand what the person is feeling, and focuses on "you." It is not a conveyance of pity or sympathy, but instead a true awareness and validation of the feelings of the BP: "I see you are angry, and I understand how you can get mad at me," "How frustrating this must be for you."

It is important not to tell the person how he is feeling, but instead put his demonstrated feelings into words. The goal is to convey a clear understanding of the uncomfortable feelings he is having and that they are OK to have, thus validating his feelings. Without such a statement of empathy, the person may feel that his feelings are not understood. It is important to use feeling words, as in the examples above.

Truth refers to a realistic and honest assessment of the situation and the person's role in solving the problem. It is an objective statement that focuses on the "it" -- not on the subjective experience of the person or yourself. Often the person may seem to be asking, or demanding, something impossible, not taking an active role or responsibility in resolving the issue, or even presenting you with a "no-win" situation. The truth statement is meant to clearly and honestly respond to the difficult demand or behavior of the person, while placing responsibility appropriately: "This is what I can do.," "This is what will happen.," "Remember when this happened before and how you felt so bad about it later."

It is important to use the support and empathy statements first, so that the person is better able to hear what you are saying, otherwise the truth statement may be experienced as little more than another, and expected, rejection creating even more defensiveness or anger.

PUVAS

(use for complaining and/or blaming)

- Pay attention

- Understand fully

- Validate emotions

- Assert yourself

- Shift/Share the Responsibility

Paying attention to what is happening and what is being said helps us avoid making assumptions.

Understanding what someone is trying to communicate may require seeking clarification so we don't make assumptions.

Validating the emotional statements of the other person will pave the way for further smooth communications.

Asserting yourself is a form of setting boundaries and is a very important piece of the healthy communication process.

Shifting responsibility where it belongs holds each party accountable for their own feelings and behaviors. This can be in response to four different scenarios...

1.) If your person is blaming you for his or her feelings and behaviors

2.) If you are placing blame on yourself inappropriately

3.) If you are trying to fix their problem

4.) If you recognize that you have done something to contribute to the problem.

``Letting Go''

To ``let go'' does not mean to stop caring.

It means I can't do it for someone else.

To ``let go'' is not to cut myself off.

It's the realization I can't control another.

To ``let go'' is not to enable,

but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To ``let go'' is to admit powerlessness

which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To ``let go'' is not to try to change or blame another.

It's to make the most of myself.

To ``let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.

To ``let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To ``let go'' is not to judge,

but to allow another to be a human being.

To ``let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,

but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To ``let go'' is not to be protective.

It's to permit another to face reality.

To ``let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.

To ``let go'' is not to nag, scold, or argue,

but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To ``let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,

but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To ``let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires

but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To ``let go'' is to not regret the past,

but to grow and live for the future.

To ``let go'' is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE.