Asking for what you want—and setting
boundaries around what you don’t want—is a key life skill. But sometimes in our
enthusiasm to practice this skill, we over-do our own assertiveness and end up
with a partner who shuts down, gets angry or feels resentful. Here are four
tips for developing your assertiveness in a way that will actually strengthen,
deepen and enrich your relationship—thus avoiding the “alienation trap”:
1. Get Clear.
Being assertive
starts with knowing what you are—and aren’t—willing to be, do, or have. For
many of us, coming to this knowledge is a real task unto itself. Here, it may
be useful to ask: “In an ideal world, what would I like to happen?” Focusing on
an ideal outcome opens our minds, prevents us from falling into passivity or
“victim-thinking,” and helps us get really clear on what we want and don’t
want.
2. Set Boundaries.
Once you know
what outcome you need (or want), share it with your partner. Pay attention to
the way stating your boundary feels in your body. With practice, you can
actually sense when you’re hitting the “sweet spot.” It can feel really
pleasurable, even exhilarating, to express your needs or desires out loud.
Phrases like “such and such doesn’t
work for me” are simple ways of being assertive while maintaining connection
with your partner.
3. Make a Regular Habit of
Stating Your Needs and Desires.
You can build
your assertiveness the same way you build any muscle: exercise. Practice
speaking up about your needs, big or small, on a daily basis. When you speak up about things that are less
controversial—such as where to go to dinner, requesting help unloading the
dishwasher or what TV program to watch—both you and your partner get used to
your assertiveness. It becomes easier for you to practice and for your partner
to hear. Also, when bigger issues come along, you and your partner will have a
healthy process in place for dealing with differences in needs, and you’ll have
greater confidence in the resilience of your partnership.
4. Give as Much as You Get.
Assertiveness is a two-way street. If you
want your boundaries to be respected, you must return the courtesy to your
partner. If she doesn’t want you to use the bathroom when she’s in the shower,
don’t. If he asks you to give him a half an hour after work before you talk and
connect, respect that. When it comes to following through on a partner’s
reasonable request, actions really do speak louder than words.
If your partner isn’t respecting your
boundaries even though you’ve set them clearly, it may be time for professional
help for you and/or your relationship.
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