Tuesday, January 21, 2014

I Give Up!

Thanks to Tiffany for the idea

As a teacher I worked with many special kids, and the biggest frustration I would get is when I heard them say "I give up".  As a teacher and as a parent I hated hearing those words, and I suspect as a parent you hate hearing those words from your children or from your friends.
How many times have you said those three little words, "I give up"? It's amazing to watch the body language when I see a person say those words. The head slumps down, the shoulders roll forward, the back arches, the face elongates,and the intonation is one where you can hear the hopelessness. 

People give up on many things and for many reasons. They give up on their job. They give up on relationships. They give up on love. They give up on life having any meaning. And, they give up on themselves.

What I find, many times, is that the people that give up are asking the wrong questions. For instance, when a person is going through divorce, loss of a job, loss of money, etc., I often hear questions, like:

"Why is this happening to me?"
"Why wasn't I good enough?"
"What's wrong with me?"
"Why can't I find true love?"
"What is going to happen to me now?"
And, many more questions like these

But, these questions are the very thing that cause people to allow their emotions to take over and begin to snowball.

When a person's brain is distressed it begins to spin in a circle, the circle then becomes a spiral, the spiral gains centrifugal force and then takes on critical mass, which leads it to going out of control and into depression, anger, resentment, and even suicide!

Every time a person asks questions like these, they have started on the journey to self-fulfilling prophecy of a negative outcome, because the person has given away their power to someone else, something else, or to their circumstances.  Self-fulfilling prophecy can also be positive and the spiral can be stopped.

Lets take a closer look at these questions and the possible answers behind them.

1) "Why is this happening to me?"

Right away, the person asking this question is assuming this situation or circumstance is a bad thing, whether it be divorce or some other situation they find themselves in. It may not be a bad thing. But at this moment in their live it is a change and they see the change as a bad thing.  Lets fully consider the entire picture and ask some tough questions such as these:

If things were really that good, then why is the divorce, loss of job, or other circumstance, taking place? 
If things went on another 10 years, what would it be like? 

10 more years of the same "stuff" going on with your significant other. 10 more years of the same job and same boss.

You may have to work at getting the person to answer the following but if you are a true friend you will work at it until you can get them to consider answering this question:

Just imagine that, if you think it's bad now, what it will be like in 10 more years. Even if you think things were "OK", can what is happening now, this change you are going through, be an opportunity for things to be better? 

For every challenge there is a door of opportunity that is  opening up... right NOW! And, you'll only miss out on the opportunity if you keep your head down and aren't looking for it!

2) "Why wasn't I good enough?"

This question squarely places all the responsibility, accountability, and blame on the person asking it. It also assumes any other party involved was totally, or mostly, in the right. 

First, a person never lose value. If  I pull out a $100 bill and ask you how much it's worth. The reply is "$100".

If I  then wad the bill up into a ball and then open back up all  wrinkled and ask, "How much is it worth now?" the reply, "$100".  If I  then wad it up step on it and throw it  into a mud puddle and have a bus run over it.  I'm then going to pick it up and open the $100 bill back up. "How much is it worth now?", I ask. Once again, the reply is "$100". 

Just like the $100 bill, no matter what happens to you in life  will change the value you have as a person. So, what happened? The loss of a job can be due to numerous reasons that are out of your control

A significant other may have their own head-trash they are dealing with and made decisions that badly affected your relationship. So, it's not a matter of not being good enough, it's a matter of things many times being beyond your control.

3) "What's wrong with me?"

In order for you to have a wonderful relationship with your significant other, or anyone else, you must love yourself, first. If you have gone from relationship to relationship and can't seem to find the "right" person,  it's probably you. Not that there's anything wrong with you it's how you see, value, and love yourself. When you truly love who you are when you're being just you, then you will naturally attract the "right" person into your life. The same is true for other areas of your life.

If you're not having the success you want, then first fully consider what thoughts are going on in your mind each and every day. if you keep a diary of your thoughts for a week, you probably won't be surprised that your life isn't what you want it to be.

The answers to the last two questions I posed are contained in the answers I've already shared, so it would be redundant to answer them. 

I want to move on to the positive now and ask the question, "What are the questions you should be asking?" Great question! 

"What else can I accomplish?"
"Who else can I help?"
"What opportunities is this change in circumstance 
opening up for me?"
"How can I change to get the results I want in life?"
"What resources do I have within me that the challenges
I'm facing is wanting/requiring me to show now?"

It's amazing that asking the right questions makes all the difference in the way we look at life and our current circumstances. 

So, get your mind in the right place and start asking!

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