Death

The wife of a close friend has MS and has made a personal decision to choose physician-assisted suicide, which is legal in Canada. Her choice and another story about facing death made me think about this issue, and how my generation faces death. 

I read this quote the other day “Death is a storehouse of discontinued dreams, of unanswered questions, of unfulfilled dreams and desires, of unanswered problems of regrets and remorse, self-hate, self-love or unjustified guilt and shame.”

The idea of death is one that my generation has yet to come to grips with, hopefully, this will happen sooner rather than later. When we go to the next celebration of life or remember the last celebration, we may think about ourselves and where we are on the journey. Our life story, we believe, is far from ending. Death, our death, we think will leave our loved ones’ hanging. Does our death leave our life’s story unfinished as if it is a book with a plot that hangs in the air? Did our friend and loved ones know about our unrealized dreams or was are they left as an ever-silenced half-finished dream?

My young friend was telling us about her cousin, who had a brain tumour and he had walked out before the doctors could tell him he had only 2 months to live. His partner stayed and made the decision not to tell him the bad news. Her cousin is getting chemo and believes, wrongly that he has a chance of survival. We are all afraid to face death. When we die, our death reduces everything to nothing, leaving our loved ones with suspended memories. Memories that can heal or break the heart. Our memories are a distortion of our experiences as we distort the truth to justify our actions. Our survivor's do the same to remember us in the best light.

Death and life, we come together to celebrate a life well lived upon a death. Yet when the person who died is alive we may not celebrate their life with them. Why does death mean so much and life mean so little? Death is unwanted, unanticipated yet for some who are severing death is as welcomed as a long-lost friend, or a conquering hero.

For us when we die death is the end but for those who survive us, our death could be the beginning. We avoid talking about our own death, it is something that we avoid in good company, like other topics that can be sensitive such as religion and politics. Why do we use euphemisms for death? Here are a few:

· Passed passed on or passed away

· Resting in peace, eternal rest, asleep

· Deceased

· Departed, gone, lost, slipped away

· Lost her battle, lost her life, succumbed

· Gave up the ghost

· Kicked the bucket

· Didn't make it

· Breathed her last

· Was called home, is in a better place

One of the reasons we use these terms is to protect someone, whether it's the person speaking the words or those hearing them. We feel the need to look for a gentle way to deliver the news of death to someone or as a way to provide comfort, despite the grief of the situation.

Death and dying are natural but many people feel uncomfortable or anxious when discussing death. To ease the pain of death, we invented gods and religions to help us. When we listen to those who preach of life hereafter, or of reincarnation or in other forms of life after death we suspend our critical thinking. All of us will face death, and most of us will not go willingly as we have so much more to do. 

I hope my family and loved ones listen to my wishes as I believe that when I die do not want to be mourned, I want my friends, loved ones, and acquaintances to celebrate my life by being the best they can be. I do not want my death to be a storehouse of discontinued dreams, of unanswered questions, of unfulfilled dreams and desires, of unanswered problems of regrets and remorse, self-hate, self-love or unjustified guilt and shame.