Some dad jokes for my grandson

Today, my grandson asked "Can I have a book Mark?" and I burst into tears. 10 years old and he still doesn't know my name is grandad.

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way into town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.

Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.

Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!"

"How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut."

"Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up."

"I don't trust the stairs. They're always up to something."

"What do you call someone with nobody and no nose? Nobody knows."

"Did you hear the rumour about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"

"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."

"Dad, can you put my shoes on?" "No, I don't think they'll fit me."

"Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."

"This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in."

"Dad, can you put the cat out?" "I didn't know it was on fire."

"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."

"What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"