Romance in the Sunset Years

This is a valentine thought for my retired and soon to be retired friends.  When you watch television or the movies, you could come to the conclusion that romance is only the stuff of those in their teens or 20s.  As though somehow once someone reaches full adulthood, much less retirement the concept of romance is completely out of the question.  This may be more a function of the fact that more people in those age groups go to the movies than any grounding in reality about romance.  But we know for a fact that romance at all ages is not only is possible, it might be the sweetest romance of them all.

Part of the confusion may lie in another misconception or “myth” about us that we are not capable of sexual activity.  There are two levels of error in this misconception.  The first is the idea that people over 50 are sexually inactive. Nothing could be further from the truth.  Sexuality is a healthy component of adult life at all phases of our maturity and we are just as capable of sexuality in our relationships as your most randy teenager, but not as careful if the research into STD’s in seniors is to be believed.

The second misconception that is good to confront and put to rest is that even if sexuality is not part of the mix, we are not romantic people.  This misconception is without a doubt held people who don’t spend any quality time with our age group.  If anything, the opposite is the truth.  If anyone tracked our movie rental patterns or downloads or streaming activity they would witness that we have a healthy appetite for romantic comedies and have a healthy interest in romantic relationships.

Retirement very often is a time of tremendous rebirth of the concept of romance between couples.  Married couples who may have seen the romance fizzle in their relationship during the child raising years often see that element of their relationship blossom and become even sweeter and exciting than it was when they were dating. 

Adult life before retirement is often packed with pressures of raising kids and getting them “launched” as well as work and social pressures.  This kind of thing can take away the emotional and mental energy needed for romance.  So, when a marriage matures into retirement years together, it's common to rediscover why they fell in love in the first place and experience a new era of romance that is fun and thrilling for both.

But retired people who find themselves single are perfectly capable of looking for romantic times with others of their own generation.  If we have managed our finances well, we may be well equipped to enjoy an active dating life and enjoy romantic evenings with each other that enrich our lives and keeps us upbeat and looking forward to our next romantic experience. 

Moreover, we have the time and the leisure to nurture their romantic relationships slowly.  So, the suspense of building a romance makes that romance full of excitement of discovery is easily afforded for those who may not be as “eager” to see the romance “go somewhere” as a youth looking to start a family.  But dating and enjoying romantic times with the opposite sex also provide much-needed companionship and deep friendships can evolve from romance at any age.  If you have lost a spouse, these times with others can fill a gap left by that spouse and help ease the transition and the grief and help you to can move on to single life successfully.

Staying Fit

In a workshop, I give on Staying Fit we talk about the benefits of exercise for seniors. I have talked about these before but I need to emphasize the points again. Many of us don't exercise enough, which is defined as 30 minutes a day.
However, before starting an exercise regime, you should always talk to your doctor. To help you decide to see your doctor, take the Physical Activity Readiness Questionnaire.

• Has your doctor ever said that you have a heart condition and that you should only do physical activity recommended by your doctor?  Y/N
• Do you feel pain in your chest when you do physical activity?  Y/N
• In the past month have you had chest pain when you were not doing a physical activity?  Y/N
• Do you lose your balance because of dizziness or do you ever lose consciousness?  Y/N
• Do you have a bone or joint problem (e.g., back, knee, or hip) that could be made worse by a change in your physical activity?  Y/N
• Is your doctor currently prescribing drugs (e.g. water pills) for your blood pressure or heart condition?  Y/N
• Do you know of any other reason why you should not do physical activity?  Y/N

If you answer “Yes” to any of the above questions, see a doctor or your physiotherapist before you start an exercise program

If you answer “No” to all the questions, start slowly and build up gradually, consider a fitness appraisal to determine the best program for you and have your blood pressure checked.  If it is over 144/94, see your physician before starting an exercise program.

A fitness appraisal would determine your strength and weaknesses so that you have an exercise program that will offer the greatest benefit.These can be arranged through almost any fitness facility, community centre, or YM/YWCA. 

I recommend becoming involved in a community program.  

Ideally, you would access a class that would suit your needs and be at the appropriate level. There are a number of advantages to doing this

• Social engagement
• Healthy competition
• Professional advice to ensure that you are using good form and technique
• Less likely to procrastinate

Check out Recreation or Senior centres for the following types of programs for seniors

• Gentle Fit or Armchair Fitness programs
• Zumba Gold
• Water aerobics (regular or deep-water)
• Osteofit (designed for people with osteoporosis)
• Chair Yoga or Gentle Yoga
• Palates
• Beginners Line Dancing 
• Tai Chi

Just a reminder of what exercise can do for you. Exercise helps you

• Manage depression
• Maintain independence
• Have more energy
• Reduce your risk of dementia
• Reduce the risk of falling
• Reduce risk of chronic degenerative diseases
• Have a little fun.  

Being in good shape and in good health, as you age, helps you enjoy doing the things you love to do (playing with grandchildren, gardening), protects you against loss of bone mass, may boost your immune system and improves gastrointestinal function

Inconsiderate Bad Habits

Some bad habits are just plain inconsiderate.  The person does their behaviors without a thought to the person he is affecting.  A little attention to the feelings of others would stop many of these bad habits in their tracks.  

Many people have inconsiderate bad habits in the kitchen.  You will find them drinking from the milk jug or juice carton.  They do not consider that someone else might not like to drink after them.  They are in the habit of doing it, so they do not think about it.  

Someone might have the bad habit of opening two liter bottles of pop and leaving the caps off.  This is inconsiderate to the person buying the soda because the soda goes flat.  No one will drink it.  It is also a bad habit to open carbonated drink cans and drink a few swallows only.  Many people will do this and then right away open another.  

The refrigerator is a source of trouble in some homes.  People have certain bad habits there, too.  They might take food out of the refrigerator and leave it on the counter to spoil.  They may simply stand in front with the door open, staring as all the cold rushes out.  

If you have an older refrigerator, they may have bad habits about not filling ice cube trays, and leaving them in the freezing compartment empty.  Some people have bad habits of freeloading.  They will clean your refrigerator out of food in no time at all if you do not watch them.  They will take food when they have been offered none, and when they are offered some, they will take more.  

Sometimes people staying with you, or living with you as roommates, will do some cooking.  If they have bad habits and do not clean up their messes, you will not appreciate the food they cook no matter how good it is.  After awhile, you will just wish they would stop cooking altogether.  

Other bad habits have to do with the bathroom.  Sometimes, people hog the bathroom.  They will not leave time for anyone else to get in to use it.  You may need to go to work the same time as they do.  If they do not let you get in to get ready, they will be on time and you will be the one who is late.  That is very inconsiderate.  

Men have been told forever, it seems that their bad habits of leaving the toilet seat up are inconsiderate.  They do not realize that a woman, not expecting the seat to be up, can actually get injured by falling in too hard.  It is not a pleasant subject, and it is not a pleasant thing to happen.  

Other bad habits involve vehicles.  You might be in the habit of leaving your car windows down.  If you are accustomed to this, you will be ready to put them up if you know rain is coming.  However, if you leave someone else's windows down, they may not be prepared.  Also, it is a bad habit to borrow a car and not put gas in it.  

If you think of other people every day, you will be less likely to engage in inconsiderate bad habits.  You will find that you are appreciated more if you find ways to control your behaviors and curb your bad habits.  

Emotional Bad Habits

The question of whether moods constitute bad habits is an interesting one.  Many mood disorders have been identified.  These and other psychological problems are seen by some as strictly bad habits.  

In fact, it has been shown that continuing to dwell in your present mood perpetuates it.  When you decide to pretend you are happy, studies show that you may actually improve your mood in time.  This is not a hard and fast rule, but there is some indication that people do have some control over their moods.  

Moodiness, for example, may be more than bad habits for many.  It may be a bipolar disorder or some other psychiatric problem.  However, for some, it may just be that they are giving in to every feeling that comes along.  They have the bad habits of not trying to have any control over their whims.  

Being pessimistic is one of the bad habits that can also be seen as a symptom of depression.  Yet, for many, it is just a habit of thought.  They may tell themselves that pessimism is a win-win way of thinking.  

If things go right, you win.  If things go wrong, you were correct, so you win.  These people can improve their moodiness by looking at the positive side of things in the beginning.   

Being in a worrying mood is similar to being pessimistic.  The difference between the two bad habits is that when you worry, you become obsessed and dread upcoming events.  If you have the bad habit of worrying, you can slowly train yourself out of it, especially if you have the right kind of help.  

Codependency is not exactly a mood, but it is an emotional state.  It is a set of bad habits that encourage a loved one to do the harmful behavior.  You do not want your son to be an alcoholic, for example. 

However, you constantly make excuses for his behavior to others.  If you want him to get better, you have to stand up and decide to stop with your bad habits.  You have to hold him accountable for his actions.  

If you have hypochondria, you have an emotionally painful bad habit.  Certainly, a person with hypochondria needs psychological help.  However, the treatment that person will receive will probably center on helping them change their bad habits of thought.  They will learn new ways to think about illness and their own bodies.  This will give them some control over their emotions.  

If you do a lot of attention seeking, you have bad habits that you can learn to abandon.  This could relate back to something in your past.  Perhaps, you were ignored as a child because there was some other needier person in the home.  You learned bad habits of getting attention by annoying means.  Taming this bad habit requires acknowledgment of it and possibly professional help.  

Bad habits that relate to emotional states are often hard to break.  Sometimes you need help to overcome them if you cannot do it on your own.  The sooner you stop doing your emotional bad habits, the happier your life will be.