When the Message Gets Inside: How Self-Directed Ageism Shrinks Possibility

When I was younger, I made a simple promise to myself. Every year, I would try one new thing.

It didn’t have to be dramatic. Sometimes it was a new skill, sometimes a new role, sometimes just walking into a room where I didn’t know anyone. What mattered was that it was unfamiliar. Each time, I noticed the same thing happen. I learned something, or I grew a little, or I discovered I was more capable than I had assumed.

That habit followed me into later life.

Now, when I present at workshops or strike up conversations with people I’ve just met, I often hear the same response: “I could never do what you’re doing.” It’s usually said kindly, sometimes admiringly. But underneath it, I hear something else. Not humility. Not realism. Self-doubt.

Somewhere along the way, many capable, curious older adults have absorbed the message that certain doors are no longer meant for them. Not because of physical limits or lack of interest, but because of an internal voice that says, people our age don’t do that.

One of the unexpected joys of being a senior is realizing that I don’t have to care as much about what others think. That freedom can be light, almost playful. And yet, I see friends who don’t feel it. Friends who won’t tackle anything new because they’re afraid to fail, or worse, afraid to look foolish.

I don’t feel sorry for them. I feel sad.

Not because their lives lack meaning, but because they’re missing moments that might surprise them. Activities that could be fun. Opportunities that might open new doors. Conversations that could lead to friendships they didn’t know they needed. Self-directed ageism doesn’t take away what we already have. It quietly limits what we’re willing to reach.

A friend of mine offers a powerful example of how strong and how fragile this internal barrier can be.

He lost his wife five years ago. Grief reshaped his world, as it does. Two years ago, he attended his high school reunion. It was emotional, nostalgic, and grounding all at once. About a year after that, he was looking through the list of people who had attended and saw a name he hadn’t thought about in decades. His first girlfriend, back in grades eight and nine.

He paused.

Part of him wanted to get in touch. Another part shut the idea down immediately. What would I say? What if she doesn’t remember me? What if it’s awkward? He told himself it was too late, too complicated, too far away. She lived in the Interior of British Columbia. He lived on the coast. Distance became a convenient reason to stop thinking about it.

Self-doubt won.

Months passed. Then, one day, he found himself thinking about her again. The memory hadn’t faded. This time, instead of pushing it away, he did something that made him deeply uncomfortable. He sent an email.

It was short. Simple. Almost painfully cautious. “Are you Linda, and do you remember me?”

Then he left on a two-week camping trip with his children and grandchildren, convinced he’d either hear nothing back or return to an awkward silence.

She responded within a day.

And then she waited.

When he came back and finally replied, the restart was rocky. They had both lived full lives. They were careful, unsure, and very aware of what could go wrong. But they kept talking. Slowly, honestly, without pretending to be younger versions of themselves.

Today, they are a couple. And they are both very happy.

This story isn’t about romance. It’s about permission. The permission to risk embarrassment. The permission to try. The permission to believe that curiosity doesn’t expire.

Self-directed ageism shows up when we stop sending the email, stop signing up, stop raising our hand, stop imagining ourselves in new situations. It affects confidence, yes. But it also affects health choices, social engagement, and our willingness to stay connected to life beyond our routines.

The discomfort of trying something new doesn’t disappear with age. If anything, it can feel sharper, because the cultural message tells us we should be narrowing our world, not expanding it.

But the truth is, possibility doesn’t shrink on its own. It shrinks when we quietly agree that it should.

Recognizing self-directed ageism can be unsettling. It asks us to notice where we’ve absorbed limits that were never ours to begin with. And while that realization can sting, it also opens a door.

Because once we see the message for what it is, we can choose, sometimes nervously, sometimes boldly, not to let it have the final word.

Everyday Ageism: The Quiet Moments That Shape How We Age

The band had taken a break, the music fading into the low hum of conversation and clinking cups. On the dance floor, a group of women stood together, catching their breath, laughing the way teenagers do when the night still feels young. They had been rocking it out, confident, joyful, fully present in their bodies.

I was one of the few men on the floor that evening, and I recognized a couple of the women in the group. Curious, I wandered over and asked one of them what was so funny.

She smiled and said, “We were all commenting on how good we look for our ages.”

The women ranged from about 70 to 85. They were dressed beautifully, faces flushed from dancing, eyes bright. One of her friends chimed in, laughing, “We’re every man’s dream.”

Another woman shot back just as quickly, “You mean nightmare,” and the group erupted again.

I didn’t say much. I simply told them they were all beautiful, which felt true and uncomplicated. But as I stepped back, something lingered with me. A quiet question tugged at the moment.

Why, at this stage of life, were they measuring themselves through the imagined gaze of men? Why was “for our ages” the unspoken qualifier attached to their joy?

That question opens the door to what we often call everyday ageism, the small, normalized moments that rarely make headlines but quietly shape how we see ourselves and each other.

Everyday ageism lives in jokes at family dinners, in offhand comments at work, in compliments that come with conditions. “You look great for your age.” “You’re still so sharp.” “I hope I’m doing as well as you when I’m old.” These remarks are usually well-intentioned. They’re meant to flatter, not diminish. And yet, they carry a message underneath: aging is something to apologize for, to overcome, or to explain away.

Recent data from late 2024 and early 2025 suggest that nearly 70 percent of Canadians aged 50 and older experienced some form of everyday ageism in the past year. Most of it wasn’t overt discrimination. It was subtle. Casual. Easy to dismiss.

And that’s precisely why it matters.

Over time, repeated small messages begin to settle. They don’t land all at once. They accumulate. Slowly, they shape expectations about attractiveness, relevance, competence, and worth. This is where self-directed ageism begins, not because people believe the stereotypes outright, but because they absorb them through a thousand quiet moments.

The women on the dance floor weren’t dramatically expressing self-doubt. They were laughing, enjoying themselves, claiming space. And yet, the humour leaned on an old script: our value is tied to how we look, and age complicates that value. Even the joke about being a “nightmare” carried a familiar edge, the kind that cushions discomfort with laughter.

Self-directed ageism often shows up like this. Not as despair, but as a gentle shrinking of possibility. We lower expectations. We pre-emptively joke at our own expense. We decide not to try something new because “people our age don’t do that.” We measure ourselves against standards that were never designed to grow with us.

What makes everyday ageism so persistent is that it rarely feels malicious. In fact, it often feels like bonding. Shared laughter. Shared understanding. A way to acknowledge reality without making a fuss. But normalization is powerful. When ageist ideas become part of casual conversation, they slip past our defences.

This isn’t about blaming anyone, not the women at the dance, not the people who offer well-meaning compliments, not us when we laugh along. We’re all swimming in the same cultural water. Awareness begins not with accusation, but with noticing.

That night at the dance, the most alive moments weren’t about how anyone looked. They were about movement, music, friendship, and the sheer pleasure of being there. The laughter was real. The joy was real. The bodies on the floor weren’t “good for their age.” They were good, full stop.

Every day ageism doesn’t always announce itself. Sometimes it whispers during a break in the music, disguised as humour, modesty, or realism. When we begin to hear it, gently and without judgment, we give ourselves and others permission to rewrite the script.

And that’s where change quietly begins, not on a grand stage, but in moments just like this one. 

What Really Makes Intergenerational Connection Work

 The room was full, but something was missing.

At first glance, the intergenerational lunch at the community centre appeared to be a success. Long tables were arranged, the smell of soup filled the hall, and a pleasant hum of activity was present. On one side of the room sat older adults, familiar faces who had spent years volunteering, organizing, and attending community events. On the other side were young people, lively, courteous, and somewhat unsure of where they belonged in this space.

During the first lunch, the young people served the seniors. Plates were carried carefully, smiles exchanged, thank-yous offered. It was kind. It was respectful. Yet, something felt flat. The two groups occupied the same room, acknowledged each other, and then quietly returned to their own spaces circles.

At the second lunch, the roles were reversed. Seniors served the young people. There was laughter this time, a few jokes about portion sizes and who was working harder. But still, once the plates were cleared, people drifted back to their corners. Helpful. Courteous. Separate.

The shift didn’t happen until a few seniors did something simple and unexpected. They picked up their cups, walked over, and sat down with the young people. Not to supervise. Not to instruct. Just to talk.

That’s when the room changed.

Stories began to move across the table. A young person talked about school pressure and uncertainty about the future. A senior shared what it felt like to leave a long-held job and start again in later life. Someone laughed about music tastes. Someone else admitted they’d been nervous walking into the room. The noise level rose, but so did the warmth. What had been two polite groups became a shared space.

That moment captures an important truth about bringing generations together: simply putting people of different ages in the same room isn’t enough.

If we want intergenerational connection to work, really work, three conditions need to be present. Without them, we get good intentions and missed opportunities. With them, something human and transformative begins to take shape.

The first condition is equal status.

At that lunch, serving roles unintentionally reinforced a familiar pattern: one group giving, the other receiving. Even when done kindly, it creates distance. Real connection began only when seniors and young people met as equals, sitting at the same table, sharing stories, listening without an agenda. Equal status doesn’t mean identical roles or experiences. It means mutual respect and recognition that everyone brings value into the room.

The second condition is a shared purpose.

Connection deepens when people aren’t just present together, but doing something together. Eating the same meal helped, but the real shared purpose emerged through conversation—trying to understand one another’s lives, worries, hopes, and assumptions. Whether it’s solving a community problem, planning an event, or simply exploring each other’s stories, shared purpose gives people a reason to lean in rather than stand back.

The third condition is institutional support.

That lunch didn’t happen by accident. It was created, hosted, and encouraged by a community centre that believed intergenerational connection mattered. Institutional support sends a powerful message: this isn’t a novelty or a one-off event; it’s something we value. When organizations make space, provide structure, and model respect, people feel safer stepping beyond their comfort zones.

When one or more of these conditions are missing, intergenerational efforts often stall. We see it in schools where seniors are invited in only as “helpers,” or in programs where young people are treated as entertainment rather than contributors. We see it in workplaces and communities where age groups are siloed, well-meaning but disconnected.

And we see it in everyday life, where generations pass each other politely in grocery stores, waiting rooms, and community halls, rarely stopping long enough to really meet.

What made the lunch come alive wasn’t a program change or a policy shift. It was a decision, small, human, and brave, to cross an invisible line and sit down together.

That decision challenges one of the quiet forces that keeps ageism alive: the assumption that generations don’t have much to offer one another. When we accept that assumption, we design spaces that separate rather than connect. When we question it, we begin to notice how often our communities unintentionally block the very relationships we say we want.

As you think about your own circles, your workplace, volunteer group, neighbourhood, or family gatherings, ask yourself a few gentle questions. Where do generations share space but not status? Where are roles fixed in ways that prevent mutual exchange? Where could a shared purpose replace polite distance?

Intergenerational connection doesn’t require grand gestures. Sometimes it starts with a chair pulled closer, a question asked without assumptions, or the willingness to sit down and listen.

When generations truly meet, the room doesn’t just fill with noise. It fills with possibility.

Support your local Food bank

January always seems to arrive with a hush, the kind that settles over a neighbourhood after the holiday lights come down and the world exhales from December’s rush. The snow piles gently against porches, the mornings stay darker a little longer, and most of us tuck ourselves into familiar routines: warm meals, warm homes, and the comforting certainty that life has returned to its usual rhythm.

But on the quieter edges of every community, in apartments where the cupboards have thinned faster than expected, in homes where the heat is kept turned low to save a little money, and in the lives of people who don’t quite have enough to begin the year strong, January paints a very different picture. For them, the food bank becomes not an emergency stop, but a weekly lifeline, one of the few places where the cold months feel a little less harsh.

And yet, while the holidays inspire generosity in abundance, the early months of the year often slip by unnoticed. Once the season of giving has passed, donations drop sharply. Shelves that were full in December begin to empty. The need doesn’t disappear; it simply becomes quieter, less visible, and easier for many of us to forget.

That’s why January might be the most important month of all to reach out.

It helps to picture the food bank not as a charity, but as a gathering place: volunteers moving between crates, families walking in with a mix of gratitude and hesitation, kids picking out their favourite cereal, seniors taking home a bag that will stretch their fixed income a little further. There is dignity there. There is community. There is hope.

And the truth is, you can be part of that hope in more ways than one.

Food donations are the heartbeat of every food bank, and the items they need most are often the ones that never make it into donation bins. While we may think to grab a few cans during the holidays, the shelves need replenishing long after the decorations come down. Foods that make the biggest impact are simple, nutritious, and easy to prepare:

• Canned proteins like tuna, chicken, salmon, or beans
• Nut butters and shelf-stable milk
• Whole grain pasta, rice, and oats
• Canned fruits and vegetables
• Hearty soups, stews, and chili
• Cooking essentials like oil, flour, sugar, and spices
• Infant formula, baby food, and diapers
• Personal care items such as soap, shampoo, toothpaste, and menstrual products

These aren’t glamorous items. They’re the kind of things most of us toss into our grocery carts without much thought. But in the right hands, they become the makings of a week’s worth of meals, the difference between a parent quietly worrying and quietly exhaling.

Still, food isn’t the only way to help, and in many cases, financial donations can do even more. Food banks can stretch a single dollar further than most people imagine. With access to bulk pricing and partnerships with local growers and distributors, they can turn a small monetary gift into dozens of meals. For people who want to make the biggest impact, money often goes farther than anything you can place in a donation bin.

There’s also something powerful about beginning a new year with intention. January invites reflection, it nudges us to look at our habits, our priorities, and the kind of neighbour we want to be. Choosing to support your local food bank can become a New Year’s resolution that feels meaningful, manageable, and transformative.

You might set aside a small monthly donation, something steady enough to make a difference, comfortable enough to maintain. You might choose one Saturday a month to volunteer, stocking shelves, sorting donations, or helping visitors find what they need. You might bring your children or grandchildren and show them, through action, what community responsibility looks like.

Volunteering has a way of warming even the coldest days. The simple rhythm of stacking cans, bagging produce, or greeting someone with a smile becomes its own antidote to winter blues. In those moments, you feel the pulse of your community. You see firsthand that generosity is not decorative, it is necessary, it is practical, and it changes lives quietly, consistently, beautifully.

Supporting a food bank in January is a reminder that we don’t leave compassion behind with the holiday season. Kindness isn’t seasonal. Hunger doesn’t follow a calendar. And hope grows best when it’s tended all year long.

So, as we settle into a new year, with fresh planners, fresh goals, and fresh promise, let’s weave caring for our community into our resolutions. Let’s make room for generosity in our routines and let it stretch through the winter months when it’s needed most.

Your donation, whether it’s a can of soup, a cheque, or a few hours of your time, becomes part of someone’s story. It fills their pantry, lifts their spirits, and reminds them that even in the coldest season, they are not alone.

And this January, that warmth might matter more than ever.