BC Bereavement Day

All of us experience loss and some of us don't know where to turn. In my province, there is help for those who suffered a loss.  Every year for 25+ years, the BC Bereavement Helpline has had a Sunday in May declared BC Bereavement Day to raise awareness for the needs of the bereaved in our communities. It is a day to share stories of remembrance, and feelings of loss, and to seek comfort by gathering with others experiencing similar feelings

They are a non-profit, free, and confidential service that connects the public to grief support services within the province of BC. Whether you are looking for bereavement support groups, community events, information on BC Bereavement Day, or information on how to donate or volunteer with us you will find it here. Please call the BC Bereavement Helpline and speak with one of our caring volunteers for information on our bereavement support groups, agencies, and peer-based support.

Your call is free, confidential, and anonymous. We will help you find the most appropriate support for your specific type of loss.

Call the Helpline at 604-738-9950, Monday - Friday 9am - 5pm

Toll-free 1-877-779-2223  or   Email contact@bcbh.ca 

BC Place and Science World will be lighting up blue on Sunday, May 29, to honour BC Bereavement Day, to show solidarity to those in grief, and to remember those we have lost. 

Grief Shared is Grief Diminished

The symbol of Bereavement Day is the black ribbon pin. Wear this pin to honour your loved one, help others acknowledge your loss, or to acknowledge the loss of others.

If you would like to purchase a black ribbon pin to wear in support of bereavement for yourself or your community, please contact the Helpline at 604-738-9950, toll-free at 1-877-779-2223 or email contact@bcbh.ca.

Pins cost $3 each, plus a small shipping fee.

Planning a Canadian Funeral?

 Average Canadian Funeral Costs and The Process

This is a great resource for those who are planning a funeral in Canada. I am highlighting only a small portion of the information on this page. I highly recommend you go to the page and read the entire article.

Types of Funeral Arrangements In Canada

In Canada, there are four types of funeral arrangements in Canada that you can choose from.

Traditional Funeral – This is a full traditional funeral with all the bells and whistles and may include burial, mausoleum, or cremation.

Memorial – This may be where the deceased has already been buried or cremated but with a service. Also, if the body has not been embalmed the family may choose a memorial and no viewing for this purpose.

Graveside Funeral – This type of funeral takes place at the graveside where the casket or ashes will be placed.

Quick cremation or burial – This type of funeral happens fast right after death with no viewing or service and is the cheapest funeral arrangement to make.

When you create your WILL it’s important to state what type of a funeral, you’d like so your wishes are met.

Most importantly preparing your Estate Will ahead of time will save you money, less stress on the executor and family, and allows you time to save for the costs involved.

What Is the Average Cost of Funeral Expenses In Canada?

The average cost of a funeral in Canada is around $8500 or more depending on what you include.

You can Google all you want the prices of what the funeral cost will be and get various numbers.

If you’ve been through the process of burying a loved one, then you know how easy costs can escalate based on choices.

Cremation for example can cost anywhere from $2000 to $5000 whereas a traditional burial funeral with a casket and ceremony can cost $7000- $15,000 or more.

Basic funeral costs can start around $5000 to upwards of $15,000 for the average price.

On the other hand, if you opt for a Catholic funeral service with the whole nine-yards including burial in a mausoleum the costs are well into $35,000-$40,000.

The moral of the funeral costs story is that if you have a wish to be buried a certain way then start saving now.

How to Research Funeral Costs In Your Area?

My advice is if you know what area or funeral home you would like your service done at you can do a few things to find out costs.

Go to the funeral home website where almost all list pricing for their services

Make a phone call and perhaps an appointment to visit with a funeral director to talk about the process and costs involved.

Call the church to see what costs would be involved with hiring the priest for a mass or service at the funeral home or burial.

Shop around for funeral flowers for casket arrangements to get average costs

Find out whether the funeral home you choose allows you to buy a casket or urn from a third party or what the costs are of the caskets and urns they sell. Some funeral homes will allow you to buy a casket outside of the home but consider shipping costs and timing as well.

Also, don’t be afraid to ask for a bundle discount if you plan on using quite a few of the services at the funeral home.

Death Doula or End of Life Doula

My sister-in-law works in Palliative Care, and the other day we were talking about helping people who were dying, and she said she could quit Nursing and take up that occupation, which she said not many were doing. My Neice just died and as the family works through their grieve and mourning, I found this information on the role of the Death Doula.

I was ready Ronnie Bennetts's blog "Time Goes By" and her post was Where do you want to die?". The title caught my attention because my Niece had chosen to die at her parent's home, not her home,, and not in a hospice. In her Blog, Ronnie talked about the fact that more people are choosing to die at home and she referenced something called a Death Dula. I looked up the term as I had not heard it before.

 According to the Internet, A Death Doula is a relatively new option for the dying and their families, Death Doulas began seeing a rise in popularity over the past few years. Death Doulas are hired by patients or family members when a terminal diagnosis is given and stay with that person and their family through their death and beyond.

When people are nearing the end of their lives, a Doula will visit and often sit vigil with them as they are dying. They also help patients with their will and other advanced directives.

They help people do legacy projects such as quilts, art projects, scrapbooks or writing letters to leave behind for their relatives.

Close to where I live there is a course is designed for individuals who have been or will be called upon to provide care, support and advocacy for someone who is facing the end of their life. Students develop an understanding of how the continuity of care and advocacy they provide complements the end of life care provided by the medical community and hospice palliative care workers and volunteers.

For more information about the community of practice for End of Life Doulas, please contact The End of Life Doula Association of Canada.

Medical Assistance in Death

My wife’s brother’s daughter, our niece who was in her early 50’s recently died of Pancreatic Cancer and she used the Medical Assistance in Death law that we have in Canada. Her loss is felt by her children, her parents, by us and all of her close relatives and friends. The grieving will take a long time, I came across an interesting article in the BC Medical Journal that looks at the issue of providing bereavement support to families when someone in the family has chosen this option from the medical providers' point of view.

The study concluded that bereavement following a medically assisted death is unique and bereavement support is needed. While most respondents consider providing bereavement support to be a moral and/or professional obligation, they also believe this responsibility should be shared between the family physician and the MAID provider.

What was encouraging is that in response to findings from this study, a guide for patients and families experiencing MAID is now available to support healthy grieving. The guide is available here (pdf file)

Here is an excerpt from the guide:

You have likely put a great deal of thought into your decision to request Medical Assistance in Death (MAiD). Faced with advanced, incurable disease and disability, you have determined that at some point your symptoms and decline will become intolerable and you wish to have an assisted death.

By this time, you have had a formal assessment with one or more physicians or nurse practitioners (NPs) are aware of the options available to you, and have also completed the Patient Request Record form.

Period of Reflection

Typically, there is a 10-day minimum waiting period between your request date and the day you may receive MAiD. This time is formally referred to as the Period of Reflection and is meant to ensure that you have time to carefully consider your decision. An exception could be made to the reflection period if both your first and second medical or nurse practitioner agree that:

•        your death is fast approaching, or

•        you might soon lose your capacity to provide informed consent.

It may be reassuring to know that even though you have been approved, you may still have questions, fears, and worries to work through. Living with dying may be new to you and you may also experience anticipatory grief. You may decide to hold off on setting the date for MAiD to wait and see how things progress. Or, you may have been thinking about this a long time and want to proceed.

·        During this period of reflection, you may want to focus on the people and activities that you enjoy most and consider:

·        What do I most want to do (practical tasks, outings, projects, bucket list activities)?

·        How would I like to spend this time (alone or with others or a combination)?

·        Who should I see and what is important for me to say to these people?

·        What memories or stories do I want to share (highlights, achievements, regrets)?

·        Share information and memories with your family and friends in a way that works for you, whether written or recorded.

·        Do not postpone difficult decisions or conversations; talking about hard things will resolve anxiety and contribute to your peace of mind.

·        What do I need and want help with, and who can help me?

·        Those close to you may experience anticipatory grief; which is a feeling of grief occurring before an impending loss. If they do they should talk with each other and/or a professional if needed.

·        If you have questions or concerns, talk with your family, friends, physician or Nurse Practioner.

·        This is naturally a time of reflection but also take the time to enjoy yourself.

Accepting the inevitable

Ronnie Bennet at Time Goes By has some interesting posts, and she had one a while back that was titled, “Being 97” in which a 97-year-old philosopher looks at his own death in an 18-minute video created by his grandson. In the video clip he says “So, I just go on existing until it is time to say goodbye.” 

This was a dramatic revision of his thinking in the 1990s. In his 1996 book about death, Herbert Fingarette argued that fearing one’s own demise was irrational. When you die, he wrote, “there is nothing.” Why should we fear the absence of being when we won’t be there ourselves to suffer it?

Twenty years later, facing his own mortality, the philosopher realized that he’d been wrong. Death began to frighten him, and he couldn’t think himself out of it. Fingarette, who for 40 years taught philosophy at the University of California at Santa Barbara, had also written extensively on self-deception. Now, at 97, he wondered whether he’d been deceiving himself about the meaning of life and death.

“It haunts me, the idea of dying soon, whether there’s a good reason or not,” he says in his grandson’s short documentary Being 97. “I walk around often and ask myself, ‘What is the point of it all?’ There must be something I’m missing. I wish I knew.”

The day before he died in 2018, Fingarette uttered his final words. After spending many hours in silence with his eyes closed, His grandson said, his grandfather suddenly looked up and said, “Well, that’s clear enough!” A few hours later he said, “Why don’t we see if we can go up and check it out?”

“Of course, these cryptic messages are up to interpretation,” his grandson said, “but I’d like to believe that he might have seen at least a glimpse of something beyond death.”

In the film, Fingarette admits that there “isn’t any good answer” to the “foolish question” of understanding mortality. “The answer might be … the silent answer.”

Being 97 is a moving film that explores the reflection that happens as we age, and the struggle of accepting the inevitable. His grandson quietly observes the things that have come to define his grandfather’s existence: the stillness of time, the loss of ability, and the need to come to terms with asking for help. “It’s very difficult for people who have not reached a state of old age to understand the psychology of it, what is going on in a person,” Fingarette says.

Medical Assistance in Dying

I had a cousin who chose to seek medical assistance when she was dying. A friend of mine had his wife seek medical assistance when she was very sick and another friend whose husband wanted to die at home. The idea of seeking medical assistance is a very sensitive and controversial topic. Right now, the Government of Canada has launched an online public consultation aimed at obtaining Canadian's views on amending the federal medical assistance in dying legislation. Canadians and interested stakeholders are invited to share their views online until January 27, 2020. So if you want more information and would like to make your views known go to the link and let the government know your views. The following is from the public consultation page, that gives very good information along with more links to other sites and agencies that can help. 
Who can provide medical assistance in dying and who can help. Those who can provide medical assistance in dying services are:

• physicians
• nurse practitioners (in provinces where this is allowed)

Those who can help provide medical assistance in dying include:

• pharmacists
• family members or other people that you ask to help
• health care providers who help physicians or nurse practitioners

These people can assist in the process without being charged under criminal law. However, physicians, nurse practitioners and other people who are directly involved must follow:

• the rules set out in the Criminal Code
• applicable provincial and territorial health-related laws, rules and policies

Protecting the right of providers to act according to their beliefs and values

Not all health care providers will be comfortable with medical assistance in dying. The federal practice may not be consistent with a provider's beliefs and values. The federal legislation does not force any person to provide or help to provide medical assistance in dying.

Provincial and territorial governments have the responsibility for determining how and where health care services are provided. They may also make policies around where medical assistance in dying can take place as long as they do not conflict with the Criminal Code.

Supporting access for patients seeking medical assistance in dying

We understand that these provider rights could create problems for patients who want to access medical assistance in dying. Most provinces and territories have developed care coordination systems to help patients learn more about this service.

Available Options

There are 2 types of medical assistance in dying available to Canadians. They each must include a physician or nurse practitioner who:

• directly administers a substance that causes death, such as an injection of a drug
  • this is becoming known as clinician-administered medical assistance in dying
  • it was previously known as voluntary euthanasia

or

• provides or prescribes a drug that the eligible person takes themselves, in order to bring about their own death
  • this is becoming known as self-administered medical assistance in dying
  • it was previously known as medically assisted suicide or assisted suicide

When the End is near

Providing care for your adult parents during their retirement years can be a demanding job.  And the job continues to become more demanding as your parent gets older and his or her health declines.  You will have to make more and more difficult decisions as the end grows closer and many of them you will make without the consultation your elderly parent if his mental abilities have slipped away due to the effects of ageing.

If the senior citizen you are caring for is dealing with a terminal illness that lingers, those demands will become virtually overwhelming.  When the end is near like this, your need for assistance will become acute.  This is no time to try to be stoic.  Dealing with a dying senior citizen is something that is usually outside of the abilities of caregiver children.  

If you see that time coming, now is the time to make arrangements for additional help.  If funds are in his estate, you can arrange for in-home nursing care.  These outstanding organizations can be with the senior citizen for as many hours as day as you need them to be and provide skilled medical care to minister to the demands of your parent’s terminal disease.

But once your doctor confirms that your parent is terminally ill, waste no time in getting hospice involved.  Hospice has been a lifesaver for many a weary caregiver who is worn out from months or years of caregiving and is incapable of dealing with the extra demands of the patient’s final months of life.

But there is an adjustment you as a caregiver will have to make as the nursing care personnel and hospice begin to surround your parent more and more in preparation for his or her final days.  You have been so intensely involved with every aspect of your parent’s needs.  And you have done a good job of getting them this far.  But now you have to step away and let these skilled professional caregivers provide the comfort and medical care that only they can give.

This may be difficult because your parent will still call for you to be nearby especially during these weeks.  This is a time to bring in the clergy, and to alert your siblings who may have to travel to be beside your mom’s bedside in her final days.  While there will be tears, if they can be with her a little bit before the final moment comes, that is a closure for the family that is tremendously valuable.  And it helps your ageing parent to have her children close to her as she approaches her final transition to another life.

Hospice will help you go through the transition in your own mind and heart to accept that the passing is near.  It will take some emotional courage to begin preparing for the funeral even though your parent is still with you.  But this can also be a bittersweet time of sharing because if your parent accepts what is to come, she can have some say into what she wants to have happen at the funeral and about other final arrangements.

Perhaps the strangest transition that you alone as the primary caregiver will go through will happen in the days just after the passing.  There is always a shock when your loved one dies even if it was very much anticipated.  But you will go through another drastic set of emotions that can only be described as “separation anxiety”.  

When you get that news that your parent has passed, you will suddenly feel the lifting of a burden that may have been on you for months or years.  You no longer have to worry about your parent anymore.  You don’t have to go there, take care of her food or medicine and comfort her anymore.  The lifting of that pressure can be liberating and disorienting for you.  You will feel strange throughout the funeral and the family times as well.  But keep these feelings in your heart as well because they will be sensations that only you and others who have been primary caregivers will ever be able to understand.

How to Write a Compassionate Condolence Letter

This was written by Deborah Quilter published November 1, 2019 in Next Ave

I thought this was a powerful piece on a difficult topic so I thought I would share some of what she has written. For the full story go here

When someone dies, courtesy dictates that we write our condolences. These letters can be some of the hardest thoughts we will put to paper. Write with sincerity and compassion. Tell a story about the person, but avoid delving into troubled or complex relationship.

Condolence letters must be written. They are greatly valued by those who receive them, and the most important thing is that you write and send them, even if you feel inept.

That said, there are good practices. Here are some tips on how to write a thoughtful condolence letter:

The Easy Part: Timing and Stationery

Proper condolence notes are handwritten and addressed, but the note can be typed and printed on ivory paper. Blank cards are also appropriate.

But,  Brooklyn, N.Y. funeral director Amy Cunningham, owner of Fitting Tribute Funerals. urges, “Do not let searching for the right paper slow you down or interfere with your ability to get this done. If you know you’re not going to handwrite it, type it.” If you have reached the desperate point where an email might be all you can manage, be consoled that it is somewhat appropriate — and better than nothing.

Mail your condolence soon after the news is received, but it’s also fine if it arrives late. “There’s no such thing as a belated condolence letter,”

You might even consider sending more than one. The poet Emily Dickinson understood that grief comes in waves, so she didn’t write just a single note, but rather a sequence of notes. She knew that grief doesn’t have an expiration date and people can mourn months or even years later. Dickinson would often include fresh or pressed flowers with her notes.

Finally, be prepared: Cunningham has a special box with notepaper, pens and stamps so she is ready to write a condolence whenever the need arises.

What to Say… And What Not to Say

If you are stumped about what to say, Cunningham advises that you acknowledge the death and share a memory or anecdote. Write with sincerity and compassion. Tell a story about the person, but avoid delving into troubled or complex relationships. “Saying anything about how the deceased has changed you or what effect they had on your life can be powerful,” she said.

Sometimes, quoting appropriate poetry can help.

While you might want to make the bereaved feel better, providing comfort should not be your goal. “Maybe they can’t be comforted because the pain is so searing,” Cunningham explained. If you insist on comforting, you’re hanging yourself up again and it might make you give up.

Avoid these phrases:

Don’t say: “I am sorry for your loss.” This is a soft rule — so don’t be hard on yourself if you use the phrase — but Cunningham finds it clichéd. Say “I am here for you.” It’s a stronger statement. Or say: “I want to hear all the stories.”

Don’t say: “passed away.” Say “died.” This is another soft rule, according to Cunningham. “People say ‘passed away’ all the time. But saying someone died is more accurate, and people are moving toward greater honesty and accuracy,” she noted. “Why mince around?”

Don’t say: “I know how you feel.” You can’t assume to know how someone is grieving. A death from Alzheimer’s can be a relief, but even if the death is expected, you can’t assume the bereaved are relieved. Grief encompasses many emotions and people can experience a multitude of feelings in a single day.

Don’t say “It’s God’s plan” or “He’s in a better place” to a secular person. You can say: “He’s at peace now” or “The suffering is over.”

Don’t say, “Time will heal.” Similarly, don’t dictate a timetable for their healing.

Don’t say, “Tell me what I can do.” That throws everything into the bereaved person’s court at a time where he or she may be overwhelmed with grief and doesn’t need another task. Instead, say what you will do, i.e., pick up groceries.

Don’t mention your own losses. The focus should be on the bereaved, not you.

Don’t go off topic. A condolence letter is not the time to bring up unrelated business, like vacation plans.

Don’t make the condolence letter seem like a review of the person. People commonly leave sympathies on Facebook and this can have unfortunate results. Cunningham recalled a woman who complained that people were posting condolences that sounded a lot like Yelp reviews, “Great woman, very loving. 5/5 stars.”

Difficult Situations for Condolence Writing

In addition to not knowing the person who died, there are other situations that can make condolence-writing even harder:

·       The person died by suicide or succumbed to alcoholism or drug addiction

·       You were not on good terms with the deceased or the family member you are addressing

·       The death happened to a family member of a colleague you work with, but don’t know well

But even in sticky circumstances, there are ways of coping gracefully. If someone had a fraught relationship with his alcoholic mother who died, separate the sickness from the parent. You could say, “She gave birth to you and I’m so glad. How wonderful that you exist because of her.”

If someone had a bad relationship with her father, it’s best not to take the risk of saying, “I know you and your dad really had a bad relationship.” Or, “I know you and your dad really struggled with your relationship.”

Don’t even go that far, Cunningham cautioned. “Because in that moment — even though they hated their father — they don’t want anyone else to say that.” You can’t guarantee the comment will be well received, even if you two had dinner last week and she was complaining how horrible her relationship with the father was. “It might come off as minimizing their loss,” Cunningham said.

When in doubt, stay neutral. Don’t worry if your condolence letters are boring; it’s fine to say something like: “I remember you telling me about how your dad used to walk you to school.”

If you are writing a condolence letter to a work colleague, you can say, “I’d like to hear your mother’s story at some point. Let’s go for tea,” Cunningham suggested.

Just Do It

Probably the most important thing about condolence writing is that you do it.

If you find yourself incapable of lifting your pen, remember: It doesn’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to be a wonderful writer.

What matters is that you take the time to extend your heartfelt sympathy to someone who is experiencing a loss.

Deborah Quilter is an ergonomics expert, a certified Feldenkrais practitioner, a yoga therapist and the founder of the Balance Project at the Martha Stewart Center for Living at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York. She is also the author of Repetitive Strain Injury: A Computer User's Guide and The Repetitive Strain Injury Recovery Book.

Talking to a dying person

I have talked about this before, the five regrets of the dying but I thought I would talk about it again. My favourite cousin had a brain aneurysm and she is not as fortunate as my wife, who fully recovered. My cousin is not recovering. Her daughter told me that the family and my cousin had made the decision to pull her off life support within the next two days. 

We talked about how hard a decision that was for the family, and I said: "I thought they had made the correct decision, as I knew my cousin and how she would not want to be a burden on others or lose her freedom". We talked some more about her condition and how hard it was on her family to see her in steep decline.

Her daughter told me that my cousin had perked up when she had heard I had called so she asked me if I would speak to my cousin before they pulled her off life support.  I will do that in the next day or so.

I love my cousin and I will be sad to lose her but knowing that she wants it this way, makes it easier. However, a loss is never easy and her loss will have a profound effect on her husband, her daughter, her sons, her grandchildren, her cousins, and her aunt and me.

I was thinking about what to say to my cousin and I remembered the article about the top five regrets of the dying which are:

• I wish I had  the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
• I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
• I wish I had the courage to express my feelings
• I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
• I wish I had let myself be happier

My cousin at this point does not recall her children's names and so she will be, I think, unaware that we had a conversation once I hang up. I remember when my wife was recovering from her aneurysm she lived in the moment, and it was, for my wife important that she be connected with people. 

I suspect that my cousin will be the same, and when we talk it will be important to her and so I will be upbeat and positive. But when I hang up the memory of the conversation will be lost to my cousin, but will stay with me. My problem is that I really don't know what to say to a person who has made the decision to let life go, it will be a hard conversation for me but hopefully not for her.

The loss of a spouse

I have known Gary for over 40 years and his wife, with the support of her family, committed assisted suicide (which is legal in Canada). Gary is in mourning, he is feeling grief and sorrow at the loss. He is going through many different feelings at this point. All of his feelings are normal and there are no rules about how he should feel. When I and his friends last saw Gary, he said that there were so many people asking him how he was doing, and when he told them the truth, they backed away, so he is now saying "I'm doing as well as can be expected. or I'm OK". One of the guys told him that he could tell us how he was feeling or he could lie to us, either way, we were not going to go away and we were there for him. We all, including Gary, laughed, and he did tell us how he was really feeling. We just listened.

Although we all feel is a loss, many of us have not lost a spouse and here are some ideas to remember when you are around a person who is grieving. The first is to just accept that the person is grieving and in pain, and let them know you are there for them. Simple advice, but hard to follow, but just saying "I am here for you." may be enough. 

When a person grieves, they can feel both physical and emotional pain. People who are grieving often cry easily and can have:

·       Trouble sleeping

·       Little interest in food

·       Problems with concentration

·       A hard time making decisions

In addition to dealing with feelings of loss, they also may need to put your own life back together. This can be hard work. Some people feel better sooner than they expect. Others may take longer. Family, friends, and faith may be sources of support.

As time passes, the intense pain will lessen. A person who is grieving will have good and bad days. Mourning can go on so long that it becomes unhealthy because the person grieving may be sinking int serious depression and anxiety. If you notice this advice them to talk with their doctor.

Support may be available until they can manage the grief on their own. Consider getting them to join a grief support group. Sometimes, it helps to talk with people who also are grieving. If they cannot help by check with hospitals, religious communities, and local agencies to find out about support groups. Choose a support group where they feel comfortable sharing your feelings and concerns. Members of support groups often have helpful ideas or know of useful resources based on their own experiences. Online support groups make it possible to get help without leaving home.

Mourning takes time. It’s common to have rollercoaster emotions for a while. After years of being part of a couple, it can be upsetting to be alone. Many people find it helps to have things to do every day. Whether the person is grieving is still working or are retired, suggest that they write down their weekly plans. Some ideas you could give include:

·       Take a walk with a friend.

·       Visit the library.

·       Volunteer.

·       Try an exercise class.

·       Join a singing group.

·       Join a bowling league.

·       Offer to watch the grandchildren.

·       Consider adopting a pet.

·       Take a class at a nearby senior center, college, or recreation center.

·       Stay in touch with family and friends, either in person or online.

·       When they feel stronger,  think about getting their legal and financial affairs in order. For example, you might need to:

o   Write a new will and advance directive.

o   Look into an enduring power of attorney for legal matters and a representation agreement (In BC only) for health care, in case you are unable to make your own medical decisions in the future.

o   Put joint property (such as a house or car) in their name.

o   Check on changes you might need to make to health insurance as well as your life, car, and homeowner’s insurance.

Having a social life on their own can be tough. It may be hard to think about going to parties or other social events. It can be hard to think about coming home alone. They may be anxious about dating. Many people miss the feeling of closeness that marriage brings. After a time, some are ready to have a social life again. Here are some things to remember:

·       Go at a comfortable pace. There’s no rush.

·       It’s okay to make the first move when it comes to planning things to do.

·       Try group activities. Invite friends for a potluck dinner or go to a senior center.

·       With married friends, think about informal outings like walks, picnics, or movies rather than the couple’s events that remind you of the past.

·       Find an activity you like. The key is to have fun and meet people who like to do the same thing.

·       Take the time to develop meaningful relationships with friends and family members of all ages.

·       Many people find that pets provide important companionship

Happiness and age

Academics get research grants for many great ideas and we advance the knowledge base of mankind through these research grants. However, there are times when I wonder how or why funding for some grants is approved. Having said that, I find it interesting that experts from Princeton University and the London School of Economics and Political Sciences found that happiness peaks at the ages of 23 and 69.

That may be older than many of you, but it is an age that I have passed and I still am happy, I guess I was also happy at 69 because as we all know happiness does not drop off a cliff and end suddenly!

How did the researchers arrive at their conclusions? Well, they questioned 23,000 volunteers, aged 17 to 85.  The researchers believe these ages are the happiest for us a number of reasons. The three top reasons are:

At 23, you:

have left rigours of education behind.

are embarking on an exciting adult life. 

are earning income.

At 69, you

no longer have the stresses of raising a family.

have retirement to look forward and it represents a new start.

have time for yourself.

I don’t write for 23-year-old adults, I write for the 55+ age group, some of whom are approaching or are over 69. So, my question to that age group is what do you need to do now to ensure that your future is bigger (better, happier, more fulfilling) than your past? Here are some of my ideas

First, create a written retirement plan. It will reduce stress and make you feel better, and more confident about your future.

No matter how tough your circumstances, work and find one little glimmer or hope and happiness. Focus on that. Foster it. And, you’ll probably find that the little spot of goodness will get bigger.

Nurturing your relationships with friends and family and creating new friends has been proven in study after study to be the secret of not only a happy life — but also a longer life.  Loneliness is as big a predictor of an earlier death as smoking!

Have a Purpose: Giving back and feeling part of a community are well recognized as being keys to happiness — especially in old age.

Harvard University’s landmark study of ageing well, found that “generativity” (giving back and participating in your community) tripled the chances that someone would feel joy throughout their seventies.

Do you talk or think about your death? 

My friends and I were talking at the pub about the end of life, as within the last few days, we had five friends who had died. One of my friends said, “we need to think and talk about death more. I think it is important and life-affirming.”

Do you think about death? If you do there is an app just for you? It is called “WeCroak.”  It will send you an alert at 5 random times throughout the day that says, “You are going to die.”

The WeCroak creators say, “a regular practice of contemplating mortality helps us accept what we must, let go of things that don’t matter and honour the things that do.” And, finding happiness by contemplating your mortality is a scientifically backed technique.

My friend and the folks at WeCroak may believe this but there are well over 200 experiments, where individuals have been instructed to imagine themselves dying. In these studies, it was found that if we think about our death, we become more punitive. Thinking about death also increases our nationalistic bias, makes us more prejudiced against other racial, religious and age groups, and leads to other such parochial attitudes.

Taken together, these dozens of studies show that being reminded of death strengthens our ties to the groups we belong to, to the detriment of those who are different from us.

Reminders of death also affect our political and religious beliefs in interesting ways. On the one hand, they polarise us: political liberals become more liberal while conservatives become more conservative. Similarly, religious people tend to assert their beliefs more fervently while nonreligious

Another study out of the University of Missouri found that thoughts of death can lead to decreased militaristic attitudes, better health decisions, increased altruism and helpfulness, and reduced divorce rates.

"According to terror management theory, people deal with their awareness of mortality by upholding cultural beliefs and seeking to become part of something larger and more enduring than themselves, such as nations or religions," said Jamie Arndt, study co-author and professor of psychological sciences. "Depending on how that manifests itself, positive outcomes can be the result.

This research proves that there are two sides to every coin and a glass is always either half full or half empty.  You get to choose what to focus on and focusing on the positive is a sure-fire way to feel happier.