Dedicated to all personal trainers out there

I have been working out and trying to get in shape since the beginning of July and I am making slow progress but at the beginning my first week felt like the man in the joke below. Enjoy.

A MAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my Wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football player 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christy, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My Wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christy waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Christy gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christy was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
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TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christy made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Her rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It’s a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christy was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying..

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christy put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christy told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:

Asshole was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late – it took me that long to tie my shoes.

She took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent some skinny guy to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.

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FRIDAY:

I hate that bastard Christy more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic little aerobics instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Christy wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich..

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal.. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with money!!!