Thanks to Douglas and Christopher for these
- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
- Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
- The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
- Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
- There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
- Life is sexually transmitted.
- Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
- Have you noticed since everyone has a phone camera these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
- How is it one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
- Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum.
- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
- If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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