Friday, March 25, 2016

Today is about pun-ishment!

I tried to catch some fog, I mist

When chemists die they barium

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst

Did you hear that the guy who invented knock-knock jokes won the No-bell prize

A soldier who survived muster gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran

PMS jokes are not funny. Period!

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me!

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it

The woman said she recognized me from our vegetarian club. But I had never meet herbivore

I am reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a (wait for it) 

a play on words

I went to the doctor office and they told me I had Type A blood. But it was a Type O

Class trip to the coca cola factory. I hope there is no pop quiz

Did you hear, the Energizer bunny was arrested. He was charged with battery

I did not like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus

When you get a bladder infection, urine a lot of trouble.

What does a clock do when it is hungary? It goes back four seconds.

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Need an ark? I Noah guy

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus giggle?

...ten tickles...

I once tried to make a belt out of wristwatches, I stopped because it was a waist of time.

I would love to open a bakery, if I could raise the dough

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine

Tic tacs for sale. Mint condition

So there is are these florists named Joe and Tom. They are doing great business until these friars move in next door to start their own florist business. The friar's flowers are more beautiful, they are cheaper, and soon the friars are running Joe and Tom into the ground. So Joe and Tom go next door and say "if you don't shut down this florist shop, we are going to beat up 3 of your friars!" They said "go ahead." So Joe and Tom beat up 3 friars and nothing happened. They knew they had to do something. So they went out and hired this huge body builder named Hugh. They took Hugh next door. "If you don't shut your friar florist shop down, Hugh here is going to beat up ALL your friars!" The friars looked at Hugh with fear in their eyes and said "Ok, ok, we will shut it down for you." What is the moral of this story? Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

A thief was on the run after stealing some rare scale model ziggurats from the museum. The police were hot on his trail, so he decided to destroy the evidence. He set the ziggurats on fire. But the plan backfired. The smoke led the police right to the thief. He learned the hard way that smoking ziggurats can be hazardous to your stealth.

and finally

A zoologist had heard the legends for years--there was allegedly a school of Dolphins that, according to the stories, lived forever. He heard the stories for years, but in spite of a long search, failed to come up with any leads as to where these unique creatures could be found and studied, until he ran into the old man.

He was German, a one-time worker in a coal mine, who had served time in the German Navy during World War Two. During his service, he had travelled to the South Pacific where they had encountered the Dolphins on one of their stops.

He explained that they lived in a small salt water lake in the middle of a remote island. The local inhabitants were so paranoid about outsiders that they build a huge stone wall around the entire island. There was only one gate, and it was guarded by armed guards by day and by two fierce lions form the state zoo, that were chained up on either side during the night. The only way to get in, he explained, was to wait until the wee hours of the morning, when the lions slept, and carefully sneak past them.

So they assembled an expedition. A dozen scientists, guided by the old man, sailed to the island. They located the gate. They waited until the darkest pre-dawn hour, then slowly walked past the sleeping lions on tip-toe, being extremely careful not to make a sound.

As the last man was walking by, a flashlight fell out of his back pocket and landed right on the nose of one of the lions. The lions woke up roaring, sirens went off, spotlights came on illuminating the entire area and they were quickly surrounded by armed guards. 

The Captain of the guards strode up and announced, "You're all under arrest!"

The Chief scientist asked, "What's the charge?"

The Captain told them, "Crossing state lions...with a miner...for immortal porpoises

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