Puns for the Holidays

1.           Why do seniors always carry a pencil? Because they want to draw on their years of experience!

2.           I told my grandpa he was aging like fine wine. He replied, 'Well, I hope I don't end up in a glass!'

3.           Why did the senior citizen bring a ladder to the bar? Because they heard the drinks were on the house!

4.           Did you hear about the senior who started a health club? He called it ‘The Golden Years Gym – where you lift weights and your spirits!’

5.           Why don’t seniors play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding when you’re as old as you feel!

6.           You know you're getting older when your back goes out more than you do!

7.           What’s a senior’s favorite exercise? Running out of patience!

8.           Why did Santa ask a senior to help deliver presents? Because they’re experienced in ‘sleighing’ all day!

9.           What’s a senior’s favorite holiday song? ‘I’ll Be Home for Christmas – Right After My Nap!’

10.        Why do seniors love Christmas? Because they’ve got all the ‘presents’ they need!

11.        What did the senior say when they saw their first snowflake? ‘Guess winter wanted to add a little salt and pepper to the season!’

12.        How do seniors deck the halls? With lots of ‘rest-ivus’ cheer!

13.        Why did the grandpa put on snow boots? To walk through his ‘winter years’ in style!

14.        Why was Mrs. Claus shopping for memory foam? Because Santa’s back goes out more than he does!

15.        Why do seniors make the best gift wrappers? They’ve had years to master the art of ‘presenting’!

16.        What’s a senior’s favourite Christmas treat? ‘Hard candy canes’ – just like the ones they hand out year-round!

17.        What does a senior write in their holiday card? ‘Season’s Greetings and a Happy New Rear!’

18.        Why did the grandma hang extra stockings? She heard Santa was giving out ‘senior’ discounts!

19.        What did Grandpa say about the holiday rush? ‘You kids go ahead. I’ll catch up after the eggnog kicks in!’

20.        Why did Santa put seniors in charge of the Christmas caroling? Because they know all the old classics!

21.        What’s a senior’s favorite holiday dance? ‘The ‘Rockin’ Chair Rock!’

22.        Why did grandma bring her knitting to the holiday party? So she could ‘string together’ some good times!

23.        What’s a senior’s favorite reindeer? Blitzen – because they can relate to feeling a bit ‘blitzed’ after Christmas dinner!

24.        Why did grandpa put ornaments on his walker? To show he’s still got some ‘holiday spirit’ in him!

25.        Why do seniors love Christmas trees? Because they can add a little ‘spruce’ to the season!

26.        What did the senior say when they forgot to set up their Christmas lights? ‘Guess I’m just too old to be lit!’

27.        How does Santa keep his beard so white? He uses ‘Just for Men’ – for his ‘North Pole’ look!

28.        Why did Grandma knit a sweater for Rudolph? Because he always had a ‘cold nose’!

29.        What’s a senior’s favorite part of Christmas? All the ‘wrappings’ and none of the ‘unwrap-pings’!

30.        Why did Grandpa put out extra cookies for Santa? Because he remembers what it’s like to have a sweet tooth! 

31.        What did the senior say about the holiday hustle? ‘I’m just here to sleigh – and stay out of the way!’ 

Puns to end the month of June Day 1

 The Roman emperor's wife hates playing hide and seek because wherever she goes, Julius Caesar.

I like what mechanics wear, overall.

If you are being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.

I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him, “Don't be Sicily.”

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

I'm reading a book about teleportation. It's bound to take me places.

What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.

I used to have a job crushing cans. It was soda pressing.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I'm not a fan of stairs. They're always up to something.

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

Born again

Thanks to Richard for this

 Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea – one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian,

“I’m fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.”

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, “Your wish is granted” and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn’t realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn’t see his old pal.

“Where’s Christian?” he asked. “He’s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark”, came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian’s abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.”

Christian replied, “No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark, the enemy, and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.”

Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed…………….

“I’ve found Cod. I’m a prawn again Christian”

Some Bad Puns to end January

Saw a kid standing on one leg at an ATM.

 Confused, I asked him what he was doing?

 He told me he was just checking his balance.

Q. Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population?

 A. Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. so I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.

Why did the tomato blush? – Because it saw the salad dressing.

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? – It was a grave mistake.

I would tell you a construction pun, but I’m still working on it

If you give a gator a GPS, does that make it a navigator?

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. – What a waste of thyme.

What do you call a dead parrot? Polygon

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just WAVED.
Can you SEA what I did there? I'm SHORE you did. Why are you so SALTY? Don’t be a BEACH.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? – Because they lactose.

What do you call a cow with no legs?  Answer: ground beef.

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. – What a waste of thyme.

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles’ elbow.

My friend could not afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”

Where do mathematicians go to die?

The symmetry

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

I was very lonely so I bought some shares. – It’s nice to have a bit of company.

Today is about pun-ishment!

I tried to catch some fog, I mist

When chemists die they barium

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst

Did you hear that the guy who invented knock-knock jokes won the No-bell prize

A soldier who survived muster gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran

PMS jokes are not funny. Period!

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me!

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it

The woman said she recognized me from our vegetarian club. But I had never meet herbivore

I am reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a (wait for it) 

a play on words

I went to the doctor office and they told me I had Type A blood. But it was a Type O

Class trip to the coca cola factory. I hope there is no pop quiz

Did you hear, the Energizer bunny was arrested. He was charged with battery

I did not like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus

When you get a bladder infection, urine a lot of trouble.

What does a clock do when it is hungary? It goes back four seconds.

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Need an ark? I Noah guy

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus giggle?


...ten tickles...

I once tried to make a belt out of wristwatches, I stopped because it was a waist of time.

I would love to open a bakery, if I could raise the dough

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine

Tic tacs for sale. Mint condition

So there is are these florists named Joe and Tom. They are doing great business until these friars move in next door to start their own florist business. The friar's flowers are more beautiful, they are cheaper, and soon the friars are running Joe and Tom into the ground. So Joe and Tom go next door and say "if you don't shut down this florist shop, we are going to beat up 3 of your friars!" They said "go ahead." So Joe and Tom beat up 3 friars and nothing happened. They knew they had to do something. So they went out and hired this huge body builder named Hugh. They took Hugh next door. "If you don't shut your friar florist shop down, Hugh here is going to beat up ALL your friars!" The friars looked at Hugh with fear in their eyes and said "Ok, ok, we will shut it down for you." What is the moral of this story? Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.


A thief was on the run after stealing some rare scale model ziggurats from the museum. The police were hot on his trail, so he decided to destroy the evidence. He set the ziggurats on fire. But the plan backfired. The smoke led the police right to the thief. He learned the hard way that smoking ziggurats can be hazardous to your stealth.

and finally

A zoologist had heard the legends for years--there was allegedly a school of Dolphins that, according to the stories, lived forever. He heard the stories for years, but in spite of a long search, failed to come up with any leads as to where these unique creatures could be found and studied, until he ran into the old man.

He was German, a one-time worker in a coal mine, who had served time in the German Navy during World War Two. During his service, he had travelled to the South Pacific where they had encountered the Dolphins on one of their stops.

He explained that they lived in a small salt water lake in the middle of a remote island. The local inhabitants were so paranoid about outsiders that they build a huge stone wall around the entire island. There was only one gate, and it was guarded by armed guards by day and by two fierce lions form the state zoo, that were chained up on either side during the night. The only way to get in, he explained, was to wait until the wee hours of the morning, when the lions slept, and carefully sneak past them.

So they assembled an expedition. A dozen scientists, guided by the old man, sailed to the island. They located the gate. They waited until the darkest pre-dawn hour, then slowly walked past the sleeping lions on tip-toe, being extremely careful not to make a sound.

As the last man was walking by, a flashlight fell out of his back pocket and landed right on the nose of one of the lions. The lions woke up roaring, sirens went off, spotlights came on illuminating the entire area and they were quickly surrounded by armed guards. 

The Captain of the guards strode up and announced, "You're all under arrest!"

The Chief scientist asked, "What's the charge?"


The Captain told them, "Crossing state lions...with a miner...for immortal porpoises

Gems of Mind numbness

Thanks to Joanne for these gems of Mind numbness

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

CREATIVE PUNS FOR "EDUCATED MINDS

Thanks to Patti for these punny sayings

1.  The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.  I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3.  She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4.  A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5.  The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6.  No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7.  A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8.  A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9.  Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.
10.  Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.
11.  A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13.  Two hats were hanging on a rack in the hallway.  One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
14.  I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.  Then it hit me.
15.  A sign on the lawn at a drug rehabilitation centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16.  A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.  When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet'.
 17.  A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
 19.  The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
 20.  The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
 21.  A backward poet writes inverse.
 22.  In democracy, it's your vote that counts.  In feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
 23.  When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
 24.  Don't join dangerous cults:  Practice safe sects!