How many of you believe in telekinesis?

Ten one-liners along with some other attempts to make you laugh. Enjoy

 1.    It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere

2.    42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

3.    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

4.    Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot.

5.    A day without sunshine is like, night.

6.    99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

7.     He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8.    Think about it: Honk if you love peace and quiet.

9.    When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk.".
10 I was in my garden last night and I swore I could hear an onion singing a Bee Gees song. Turns out it was just the chives talking.

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Two elderly vultures decided they would fly south this year for vacation, so they make reservations with an airline. They arrived at the airport, and the clerk looked at their luggage and asked if they wanted to check in as baggage the two dead raccoons they brought with them to snack on. "No," the vultures said. "They're carrion."

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Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those of us who were born prior to 1950.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.

3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person.

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

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A band director was standing outside on a metal ladder during a concert, when a thunderstorm broke out. Amazingly, he wasn't hit by lightning,  - it seems he just wasn't a very good conductor.

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Try this simple calculation to test your brain. Don't use a calculator.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 30.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 20.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 10.

What is the total?

Did you get 5000? Most people do but that's incorrect.

Check with your calculator if you got 5000.

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For those of you who watch what you eat...Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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I went to the Doctor with an earache. He said there was a piece of lettuce in my ear. "Is that serious?" I asked him. "Serious?!? " he said, "this is just the tip of the iceberg."

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Finally, How many of you believe in telekinesis?      

Raise my hand.