1. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
2. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
3. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
4. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
5. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
6. Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what happened.
7. Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.
8. Why do some People Prefer To Be Miserable Rather Than Risk Being Happy?
9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
10. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
11. Deja Moo is the feeling you've heard this bullshit before.
12. I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start to eat.
13. Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
14. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
15. When we seek to discover the best in others we somehow bring out the best in ourselves
16. Why don't we ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery?
17. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
18. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
19. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
20. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
21. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere
22. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
23. Being a husband is like any other job. It helps a lot if you like the boss.
24. Lincoln studied by the light of a fireplace. Mozart composed by candlelight. Galileo invented by oil lamp. Didn't they ever think to do their work during the daytime?
25. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
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