The need to criticize

The need to criticize others belies a longing for recognition, appreciation, and validation. None of which, however, can be obtained through criticism.  Criticism of others does not bring us the recognition we want; it brings us into conflict with others.

Conflict is natural but we should not seek it out. Conflict with others occurs when something we value and care about is threatened. By criticizing others, we threaten what they value and care about. This means that they will take steps to protect what they value.  We want recognition and support from others and we can do this by supporting what they value. From time to time what others value and what we value may be in direct opposition and this may cause conflict. What we must do is try to Manage our conflicts which will help limit its negative aspects and increase its positive aspects. We can manage our conflict in a positive manner by talking and using communication strategies that can help us work through conflict. We do this by:

·       Listening actively, being attentive and asking questions

·       Analyzing the conflict

·       Modelling neutral language

·       Separating the person from the problem

·       Working together

·       Agreeing to disagree

·       Focusing on the future

·       Moving past “positions”

·       Sharing your interests

·       Being creative

·       Being specific

·       Maintaining confidentiality

·       Reaching a solution together

·       Always use “I” instead of “you” to express your feelings and avoid the other person/party feeling attacked and becoming defensive.

·       Using open body language

·       Use mimicking, it can be an effective tool because if someone is angry and seems closed off, conflict can be harder to resolve, while if people are open and keep calm everyone will be more open to resolving the problems.

·       Always validate feelings, including: "I’m sorry this hurt you"

·       A popular formula for assertive language includes the formula: "I understand…", "I feel…", "I want…"

By using some or all of the above we are better able to move to potential solutions where everybody feels like a winner.