Elisabeth
Kübler-Ross used the model of five stages of grief to explain the phases people experience when
diagnosed with a terminal illness. It's understandable that these people would
find acceptance difficult. Naturally, they would hope for an error in the
diagnosis, seek a second or third opinion, explore alternate treatment options
and, for those that are religious, pray for a different outcome. Accepting that
your life is coming to an end can be an extremely difficult pill to swallow.
Most
people recognize early on that whatever emotional event that they experienced
caused a change in the story of their life. It may be a change they were
expecting, such as a promotion or move to a new home. Many times, they are
changes of a less positive nature, such as the death of a loved one (human or
pet), a divorce or break up of a relationship, or any other negative event. In
either type of situation, these changes can be fraught with elements of grief,
since they will include changes from familiar behaviour patterns.
For
people grieving any of these other changes in their lives, the concept of
“acceptance” can have entirely different ramifications. The problem they face
is in defining just what it is that they are accepting. Some may say that they
are accepting the loss as having happened. A large share of grievers, however,
are likely to feel that they instead must accept that the emotional pain with
which they are now dealing is going to be a permanent part of their lives. They are accepting that
“their new normal” is to be one with a broken heart.
Availability
of information has changed with time, but the griever’s ability to find the
best information is limited. Since most grievers have a reduced sense of
concentration, coupled with little education on dealing with the emotional pain
of loss, they often find themselves lost. Most are looking for simple or
logical solutions for their grief. The trouble is grief is neither simple nor
logical. It's emotional.
The
model of “the five stages of grief” can look like an easy solution. The problem
is that the average griever doesn't understand that this research first
developed after interviewing those diagnosed with a terminal illness. They also
fail to grasp that, even in this original application, the subjects of study
didn't always follow these stages in a linear order. For the average griever,
their study stops with the listing of the stages, and they try to make those
stages work, even if they don't help them successfully move through the
emotional pain they are experiencing.
Every change we experience in life can bring with it elements of grief. If, with each
change, we simply accept that any emotional pain we experience is something
that we will carry with us for the rest of our lives, it's understandable that
our pain load will continue to intensify with each new loss. With time, that
pain load becomes so overwhelming it cannot help but impact ongoing
relationships, our ability to form new successful relationships, our ability to
function at work, or any other aspect of our lives.
Rather
then just accept that pain, a better solution would be to work through it. Almost
a day doesn't pass that we hear of another terrorist attack. When reporters
speak with the victims, it's not unusual to hear the comment that it will take
a great deal of time for these victims to “get over their pain and move
forward”. This simply reinforces in grievers minds the concept that time can
make them somehow better. As a result, many simply just begin to accept that
this pain will forever be part of their “new normal”. People never “get over” a
loss, but, given the proper tools, they can learn to survive, and thrive, in
spite of it.
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