The Stages of Grief Model Acceptance

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross used the model of five stages of grief to explain the phases people experience when diagnosed with a terminal illness. It's understandable that these people would find acceptance difficult. Naturally, they would hope for an error in the diagnosis, seek a second or third opinion, explore alternate treatment options and, for those that are religious, pray for a different outcome. Accepting that your life is coming to an end can be an extremely difficult pill to swallow.

Most people recognize early on that whatever emotional event that they experienced caused a change in the story of their life. It may be a change they were expecting, such as a promotion or move to a new home. Many times, they are changes of a less positive nature, such as the death of a loved one (human or pet), a divorce or break up of a relationship, or any other negative event. In either type of situation, these changes can be fraught with elements of grief, since they will include changes from familiar behaviour patterns.

For people grieving any of these other changes in their lives, the concept of “acceptance” can have entirely different ramifications. The problem they face is in defining just what it is that they are accepting. Some may say that they are accepting the loss as having happened. A large share of grievers, however, are likely to feel that they instead must accept that the emotional pain with which they are now dealing is going to be a permanent part of their lives. They are accepting that “their new normal” is to be one with a broken heart.

Availability of information has changed with time, but the griever’s ability to find the best information is limited. Since most grievers have a reduced sense of concentration, coupled with little education on dealing with the emotional pain of loss, they often find themselves lost. Most are looking for simple or logical solutions for their grief. The trouble is grief is neither simple nor logical. It's emotional.

The model of “the five stages of grief” can look like an easy solution. The problem is that the average griever doesn't understand that this research first developed after interviewing those diagnosed with a terminal illness. They also fail to grasp that, even in this original application, the subjects of study didn't always follow these stages in a linear order. For the average griever, their study stops with the listing of the stages, and they try to make those stages work, even if they don't help them successfully move through the emotional pain they are experiencing.

Every change we experience in life can bring with it elements of grief. If, with each change, we simply accept that any emotional pain we experience is something that we will carry with us for the rest of our lives, it's understandable that our pain load will continue to intensify with each new loss. With time, that pain load becomes so overwhelming it cannot help but impact ongoing relationships, our ability to form new successful relationships, our ability to function at work, or any other aspect of our lives.

Rather then just accept that pain, a better solution would be to work through it. Almost a day doesn't pass that we hear of another terrorist attack. When reporters speak with the victims, it's not unusual to hear the comment that it will take a great deal of time for these victims to “get over their pain and move forward”. This simply reinforces in grievers minds the concept that time can make them somehow better. As a result, many simply just begin to accept that this pain will forever be part of their “new normal”. People never “get over” a loss, but, given the proper tools, they can learn to survive, and thrive, in spite of it.