Losing a loved one during a holiday

If you are grieving over the loss of a loved one during a holiday, it can help if you know how to help others handle grief too.

Losing a loved one at any time can be difficult, but the holiday season can make it even harder. People die and people grieve. Grief hurts, it's a natural, normal reaction to someone you love passing away. But how do you help others who are grieving through their own personal experience? Losing family during a holiday is one of the hardest things to have happen in your life. there is a lot of confusion and stress around the holidays. It can be very difficult to figure out how to move on with your life after a loss like this

Holidays are often a time when people come together to celebrate and spend time with their loved ones, and the absence of a loved one who has passed away can be particularly poignant during this time. It's natural to feel a range of emotions, including sadness, grief, and loneliness, and it's important to allow yourself to feel and express these emotions. When you lose someone close to you, grief can be overwhelming. You feel a sense of loneliness and loss, but it is also incredibly painful. Grief is something we all experience differently and at different times in our lives. One of the best ways to help cope with grief is to communicate about it. Talking about what you feel and how you're feeling will help others understand your feelings better.

There are a few things that might help you cope with the loss of a loved one during the holidays:

1. Take care of yourself. It's important to take care of your physical and emotional well-being during this difficult time. This might include getting enough rest, eating well, and finding healthy ways to cope with your emotions, such as through exercise or by talking to a friend or therapist.

2. Reach out for support. It can be helpful to talk to someone about your feelings and memories of your loved one. This might include friends, family members, or a support group.

3. Create new traditions. While it may be hard to let go of old holiday traditions that included your loved one, it can be helpful to create new traditions that honour their memory and help you find meaning during this time.

4. Take time to remember your loved one. It can be helpful to take some time to remember your loved one and all the special moments you shared. This might include looking through old photographs, creating a special memory tree or altar, or sharing stories and memories with others.

I'm going, to be honest with you—it can be hard to deal with the loss of a loved one at any time of year, let alone a holiday. Losing someone is hard, no matter the circumstance. But, this time of year brings with it a whole new set of emotions that can sometimes be even more difficult to handle than normal. Remember that it's okay to feel a range of emotions during the holidays, and it's important to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve in your own way. It's also okay to ask for help if you need it.

BC Bereavement Day

All of us experience loss and some of us don't know where to turn. In my province, there is help for those who suffered a loss.  Every year for 25+ years, the BC Bereavement Helpline has had a Sunday in May declared BC Bereavement Day to raise awareness for the needs of the bereaved in our communities. It is a day to share stories of remembrance, and feelings of loss, and to seek comfort by gathering with others experiencing similar feelings

They are a non-profit, free, and confidential service that connects the public to grief support services within the province of BC. Whether you are looking for bereavement support groups, community events, information on BC Bereavement Day, or information on how to donate or volunteer with us you will find it here. Please call the BC Bereavement Helpline and speak with one of our caring volunteers for information on our bereavement support groups, agencies, and peer-based support.

Your call is free, confidential, and anonymous. We will help you find the most appropriate support for your specific type of loss.

Call the Helpline at 604-738-9950, Monday - Friday 9am - 5pm

Toll-free 1-877-779-2223  or   Email contact@bcbh.ca 

BC Place and Science World will be lighting up blue on Sunday, May 29, to honour BC Bereavement Day, to show solidarity to those in grief, and to remember those we have lost. 

Grief Shared is Grief Diminished

The symbol of Bereavement Day is the black ribbon pin. Wear this pin to honour your loved one, help others acknowledge your loss, or to acknowledge the loss of others.

If you would like to purchase a black ribbon pin to wear in support of bereavement for yourself or your community, please contact the Helpline at 604-738-9950, toll-free at 1-877-779-2223 or email contact@bcbh.ca.

Pins cost $3 each, plus a small shipping fee.

Sharing the Grief

My daughter’s best friend and our adopted daughter just about lost her sister a few weeks ago. She, her brother and her parents were distraught, as were we, but her sister, did, with good medical care, pull through. This experience got me to thinking, how do you go about comforting a friend or a family member who has lost someone close? This is a question that haunts people of any age bracket. But learning to share the grief of a friend is important for us, because it’s going to happen more often.

There is no sense sugar coating it. We are going to have a greater incidence of people our age passing away than people of other age brackets experience. Of course, everybody has the experience of losing a loved one or seeing a close friend or a friend of a friend pass on whether they are young adults, middle-aged, teenagers or even children. But as it is going to be more common simply because of our age. 

So when you hear that a dear friend lost someone close to them, you can empathize with their loss. But when going to your friend and offering comfort, for some, that seems difficult and awkward. So, it’s good to learn the skills of helping your friend work through this time of loss and to share the grief with them in a way that is helpful to him or her.

In the Jewish scriptures of the Old Testament, there is a story called The Book of Job that has a lot to say about grief and loss. In the story, the lead character, Job, sees all of his children killed in a freak accident and he loses his wealth and property as well. Most of the book is about dealing with tragedy. But when Job’s friends come to comfort, it’s interesting that the text tells us they came to him and sat with him for seven days saying nothing.

When you are initially going to visit a friend after the loss, the nagging question is, “What can I say?” There isn’t anything you can say that lessens the loss. What your friend really needs is company. The initial loss (s) he is feeling is that of the loved one. So you don’t really have to say anything. Just physical presence says a lot..

Sometimes it’s just the routine things you would do for your friend can do a lot to help them through a time of grief. Take her/him out to dinner or shopping. A person in grief craves regularity, so being with you to do something routine together is a tremendous help.

The best approach you can come up with for really being with your friend when (s) he needs you the most is to know how handling death works. Most people who want to comfort a grieving friend go to see him/her on the first day or so after the death and you should as well. But that first week will not be the time we need you the most. Your friend will be busy with the funeral and seeing distant family and getting lots of attention. It’s strange to see this, but often the grieving spouse or friend goes through a time of joy during that week simply because it’s a time to see family and friends and to celebrate the life of the dearly departed.

The time when the grief becomes heavy and difficult for the one left behind is after the funeral is over and everybody has gone home and it’s time to face the days and weeks ahead without the one they are missing. This is the time to go to your friend and make yourself available.

Be available, be easily accessible and be accepting of what they are going through so you can be a catalyst for getting back to normalcy. That is the most valuable thing you can offer your friend because it is more than just sharing his or her grief. 

The Stages of Grief Model Acceptance

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross used the model of five stages of grief to explain the phases people experience when diagnosed with a terminal illness. It's understandable that these people would find acceptance difficult. Naturally, they would hope for an error in the diagnosis, seek a second or third opinion, explore alternate treatment options and, for those that are religious, pray for a different outcome. Accepting that your life is coming to an end can be an extremely difficult pill to swallow.

Most people recognize early on that whatever emotional event that they experienced caused a change in the story of their life. It may be a change they were expecting, such as a promotion or move to a new home. Many times, they are changes of a less positive nature, such as the death of a loved one (human or pet), a divorce or break up of a relationship, or any other negative event. In either type of situation, these changes can be fraught with elements of grief, since they will include changes from familiar behaviour patterns.

For people grieving any of these other changes in their lives, the concept of “acceptance” can have entirely different ramifications. The problem they face is in defining just what it is that they are accepting. Some may say that they are accepting the loss as having happened. A large share of grievers, however, are likely to feel that they instead must accept that the emotional pain with which they are now dealing is going to be a permanent part of their lives. They are accepting that “their new normal” is to be one with a broken heart.

Availability of information has changed with time, but the griever’s ability to find the best information is limited. Since most grievers have a reduced sense of concentration, coupled with little education on dealing with the emotional pain of loss, they often find themselves lost. Most are looking for simple or logical solutions for their grief. The trouble is grief is neither simple nor logical. It's emotional.

The model of “the five stages of grief” can look like an easy solution. The problem is that the average griever doesn't understand that this research first developed after interviewing those diagnosed with a terminal illness. They also fail to grasp that, even in this original application, the subjects of study didn't always follow these stages in a linear order. For the average griever, their study stops with the listing of the stages, and they try to make those stages work, even if they don't help them successfully move through the emotional pain they are experiencing.

Every change we experience in life can bring with it elements of grief. If, with each change, we simply accept that any emotional pain we experience is something that we will carry with us for the rest of our lives, it's understandable that our pain load will continue to intensify with each new loss. With time, that pain load becomes so overwhelming it cannot help but impact ongoing relationships, our ability to form new successful relationships, our ability to function at work, or any other aspect of our lives.

Rather then just accept that pain, a better solution would be to work through it. Almost a day doesn't pass that we hear of another terrorist attack. When reporters speak with the victims, it's not unusual to hear the comment that it will take a great deal of time for these victims to “get over their pain and move forward”. This simply reinforces in grievers minds the concept that time can make them somehow better. As a result, many simply just begin to accept that this pain will forever be part of their “new normal”. People never “get over” a loss, but, given the proper tools, they can learn to survive, and thrive, in spite of it.

Stages of Grief: Depression

This is the fourth of five posts focused on “The Stages of Grief”. In this one, we will be looking at depression, which can create a great deal of confusion for grievers.

The problem for many of us who suffer a loss is that the majority of us have had little or no training of any value regarding how to handle grief. While we may have had a lifetime of experience with how to accumulate new things, we have very little education on how to deal with the emotions associated with loss. When we are suddenly faced with grief causing experience, we are lost.

Some friends will respond to grievers with cliché ridden advice about keeping busy or suggestions why they should not feel sad. These suggestions may seem logical, but grief is hardly logical. It is emotional. No amount of logic can truly overcome emotional pain.

Eventually, some well-meaning friend will mention the stages of grief, including the stage of depression, as a way of defining what a griever must experience. Most grievers are so desperate to feel better, that they never question the viability of this model as related to their particular situation. What they hear is that they must go through each step, in the order presented, to recover.

The first place most people depend on today when they discover that their friends’ suggestions on how to cope with their loss don't seem to make things better, is the Internet. Since most grievers suffer from a reduced sense of concentration, they are not looking for extensive studies, but rather short and simple answers.

If they search the word “depression” on the internet, one of the first things they will encounter is “clinical depression”. Grief is the normal and natural reaction to any change in our lives. It's a normal reaction, not a mental illness. However, the griever doesn 't understand this distinction and may self-diagnose themselves as clinically depressed on some level.

It's understandable that grievers don't understand the difference between true depression and the overwhelming feelings of loss associated with grief. They simply know that something is not “right”, and will often call their regular physician.

Sadly, while general practitioners and internists have extensive training in medical issues, most have very limited knowledge concerning grief and loss. It's highly likely that the stages of grief concepts were presented at some point in medical school, but it's equally likely that they never fully explored this subject unless they went on for advanced studies in psychiatry or mental health.

The symptoms of grief are similar to that of depression and other medical issues. Grievers have a reduced sense of concentration and often have trouble focusing, suffer sleep-related issues, find completing tasks difficult, and are easily upset. It's also common for them to self-identify as being depressive since they have been told by others that this is a “stage of grief”. Given the shortage of time most physicians face and the desire they have to treat what has been presented to them as a medical issue, it is not uncommon for them to prescribe a mood-altering medication.

Doctors may even prescribe antidepressants when they are fully aware of all of the details. These physicians are trying to help in the best way they know-how. Dealing with the intricacies of grief is not necessarily in their medical training. The problem comes in when they are treating the presenting symptoms, without dealing with the underlying issues of what is causing the pain of the emotional loss.

The emotional pain of any loss can be intense. Whether we try to deal with this pain by hiding our feelings or by medicating them, to make them less intense, still does nothing regarding processing them. At the end of the day, that pain is still there if we take no substantive action.

Telling a griever that, in the stages of grief, depression is a step that may or must be experienced, simply gives them a label for these feelings. It may not even be an accurate one. It does nothing to help them move beyond those feelings. It actually may serve as a stopping point to their moving forward since they can now just tell people that they are in a stage or state of depression, and since it was due to a loss, there is not a cure.

Grief is not, in and of itself, a medical condition. It cannot be cured in a medical sense. It can, however, be something through which we pass if we are willing to realize that it is directly related to the unfinished business with the relationship lost.

If the griever is willing to take action to identify this unfinished business, and take additional action to deal with that business, there is hope for a better and happier tomorrow. A permanent solution cannot be accomplished with a pat on the head or a pill, but rather requires honest work in dealing with these feelings in their rawest form.

Stages of Grief Bargaining

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross understood that the five phases are not strictly encountered in a linear manner and that the person dealing with their own impending death may jump back and forth between them.

There is the general misunderstanding that these steps, in this exact order, are required to progress to any sense of recovery. That is what leads to a great deal of confusion, and often to frustration.

This is certainly the case with the stage labelled as “bargaining”. It's understandable that the person facing a terminal illness might fall into this phase. They might promise the deity they worship that they will be a better person if this diagnosis is reversed. If they are not a person of faith, they may promise themselves that they will make better choices in the future if they survive their illness. It's not unusual, especially if the impending death is that of a child, for a parent to wish or pray that the illness is transferred to them instead. This is the basic concept of bargaining and one that you would expect a person facing death to try.

The problem with trying to use this concept, when a loved one dies is that there is little likelihood of application. While the griever may wish that they could turn back time, so that they would not be facing this loss, that would better be described as regret than as any form of bargaining.

When a griever is dealing with any loss that they have experienced, regret is a common thread. They often think of how things might have gone differently in that relationship and things they may wish they had said or not said. It may be regret over actions taken by the other party in that relationship. They may regret that they didn't have more time to complete the unfinished business of some kind. They may regret that this relationship isn't going to continue in the future in the way they hoped, dreamed, or planned it would.

In the perfect world, no one would have regrets! We would think with perfect clarity before we ever spoke or took any kind of action. The problem is that no one lives in a perfect world. We often speak or act spontaneously, without thought of how others might interpret what we say or do. Compounding this problem, others do exactly the same thing. This can often lead to regrets.

If a relationship has ended by death, these regrets can literally come back to haunt us. If a relationship has ended with estrangement or someone moving away, finding a way to deal with these regrets can be complicated. Each and every loss presents its own problems in dealing with this unfinished business. While we may do some internal “bargaining” in an attempt to deal with the loss, the problem is that, without direction and support, we are still left at a loss.

Perhaps the best "bargain" a griever can make with him or herself is to actually choose to take action, rather than having their life limited by the emotional pain of their personal loss!

Stages of Grief Anger

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified anger as the second phase of grief that people experience when they are diagnosed with a terminal illness. Some people may experience periods of anger, for one reason or another, but anger as part of grieving is not guaranteed.

This isn't to say that some people may not become angry at some point after experiencing a loss. Most of us have had the experience of seeing a parent running up and down the aisles of a store frantically looking for a child that has wandered away. When those parents find their children, do they calmly tell the child that they should not do this? More often than not, they grab their child’s arm and start yelling at them. Why? It's because they are scared. Anger is the most common response to fear.

Dealing with grief can be a scary experience. As was mentioned previously, the emotions we may experience when grieving any loss can be overwhelming. These are feelings that we cannot control. That loss of control can be scary. Occasionally, that fear is displayed as anger.

Every major change in our lives can result in a person feeling a sense of grief. When someone goes through a divorce, there might be an element of fear about how the future will be different than the one that was originally planned. This fear may be displayed in anger. It's also possible that their former spouse did something that justifiably resulted in them feeling angry!

When a relationship ends, or there's a change in the workplace, or with any major life change, we may experience anger. Certainly, if someone we care about dies in an accident or some needless reason, we may be angry with the situation or whoever caused it. In no way are we saying that anger isn't a possible result of a loss.

The problem with labelling anger as a definite stage that must be experienced with any grief producing loss is that it isn't guaranteed. There are situations where anger just doesn't exist for the griever on any level. Does this mean that something is wrong with the griever?

Whether a griever experiences anger or not has nothing to do with their recovery. There is any number of different emotions that may confront a griever dealing with a life-changing event. Anger may or may not be one of them. Each emotional relationship is different, which means that the emotions felt by the griever will be different for each loss experience.

Too often, grievers have well-meaning friends and family tell them what they should or shouldn't be feeling. Telling a griever that, as a part of going through the stages of grief, anger is a stage they must experience, is just another example of people telling them what they must feel. Most of us do not want to do that but helping by presenting a plan of action might help.

Stages of Grief Denial

In this Pandemic, a lot of people are facing the death of loved ones, loss of jobs or many other life events that cause grieving. Over the years I have talked about grief and most of my discussions have been based on the ideas of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist, who was a pioneer in the field of hospice. In her 1969 book, "On Death and Dying," she wrote that there were five phases very common to people dealing with their impending mortality.

She described the five stages as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. She found that while some went through these stages, in dealing with their impending death, in that order, others bounced back and forth between them. It is an excellent study concerning those who are dying and one of the first meaningful studies dealing with any element of grief.

Unfortunately, a large number of people including myself overlooked the fact that she was writing about grief strictly from the standpoint of those who were facing their own death

It's not at all unusual to hear them used to describe what a griever experiences after the death of a loved one, or any other significant emotional loss.

I used to believe that telling grievers they "must" go through these stages serves would help them, however after doing some research that position does nothing to help in their emotional recovery. It would be great if we could fit all grievers into these five boxes, so we would know how to deal with them, but it does not work that way. Each person is different. Each loss is different. Grief is emotional, not intellectual. So let's take a look at the five stages and see what the research says we should do.

Denial

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified denial as the first phase of grief that people experience when they are diagnosed with a terminal illness. When your physician tells you that you are suffering from a condition that has no cure and that you are doing to die, it's normal to question the diagnosis. It's normal and natural to think that there might have been an error. A common first reaction to this type of news is to seek a second opinion because we simply cannot believe it! A Yale study renamed this phase as “disbelief,” which is a better description of what these people are experiencing.

When a loved one dies, the grievers are dealing with something that truly hurts them emotionally. They are overwhelmed with feelings they have never experienced concerning this relationship. To be told that these feelings have anything to do with denial mislabels this experience for them and sends them the signal that these feelings are wrong on some level.

Grief is normal and natural, but very scary since it is something that can’t be controlled. To give people any sense that these feelings are wrong encourages them to bury those feelings, which is the first step to impeding their recovery. If anything, to tell people that they are in denial encourages them to deny their feelings.

One of the problems we face is that we are taught how to get or acquire things in life, but not how to deal with losing them. When you suggest, on any level, that a person is in denial about their loss they may feel that their emotional pain is being discounted. It's far better to encourage them to express the pain in their heart.

I have done this and I suspect you have as well when a person is grieving, I have said to them you “need to be strong,” to get through this experience. What the griever could take from this is that they need to hide their feelings. I was simply passing on the same useless information that I heard when they were dealing with a personal loss.

If, somewhere or sometime we were told that all of us who grieve must go through “The stages of grief,” no matter the loss, it's important that we remember that the source of this information, Kübler- Ross’s book “On Death and Dying”, dealt with the phases of grief experienced by those diagnosed with a terminal illness. It was not about the other grief experiences in our lives.

When a person suffers a loss, they receive endless, and often useless, advice from friends and family. Many of those people have heard about the stages of grief. Since these friends don't understand where and how these stages were first defined, they don't realize that applying them for every loss isn't helpful to the griever. They simply know that in the stages of grief, denial is the first stop. A person who is grieving really could care less about these stages until someone told them that they must go through them. They know that they are hurting and just want to feel better.

Rather than telling them that they must go through these arbitrary steps, it makes far more sense to offer them the opportunity to express their feelings without analysis, criticism, or judgment.

The loss of a spouse

I have known Gary for over 40 years and his wife, with the support of her family, committed assisted suicide (which is legal in Canada). Gary is in mourning, he is feeling grief and sorrow at the loss. He is going through many different feelings at this point. All of his feelings are normal and there are no rules about how he should feel. When I and his friends last saw Gary, he said that there were so many people asking him how he was doing, and when he told them the truth, they backed away, so he is now saying "I'm doing as well as can be expected. or I'm OK". One of the guys told him that he could tell us how he was feeling or he could lie to us, either way, we were not going to go away and we were there for him. We all, including Gary, laughed, and he did tell us how he was really feeling. We just listened.

Although we all feel is a loss, many of us have not lost a spouse and here are some ideas to remember when you are around a person who is grieving. The first is to just accept that the person is grieving and in pain, and let them know you are there for them. Simple advice, but hard to follow, but just saying "I am here for you." may be enough. 

When a person grieves, they can feel both physical and emotional pain. People who are grieving often cry easily and can have:

·       Trouble sleeping

·       Little interest in food

·       Problems with concentration

·       A hard time making decisions

In addition to dealing with feelings of loss, they also may need to put your own life back together. This can be hard work. Some people feel better sooner than they expect. Others may take longer. Family, friends, and faith may be sources of support.

As time passes, the intense pain will lessen. A person who is grieving will have good and bad days. Mourning can go on so long that it becomes unhealthy because the person grieving may be sinking int serious depression and anxiety. If you notice this advice them to talk with their doctor.

Support may be available until they can manage the grief on their own. Consider getting them to join a grief support group. Sometimes, it helps to talk with people who also are grieving. If they cannot help by check with hospitals, religious communities, and local agencies to find out about support groups. Choose a support group where they feel comfortable sharing your feelings and concerns. Members of support groups often have helpful ideas or know of useful resources based on their own experiences. Online support groups make it possible to get help without leaving home.

Mourning takes time. It’s common to have rollercoaster emotions for a while. After years of being part of a couple, it can be upsetting to be alone. Many people find it helps to have things to do every day. Whether the person is grieving is still working or are retired, suggest that they write down their weekly plans. Some ideas you could give include:

·       Take a walk with a friend.

·       Visit the library.

·       Volunteer.

·       Try an exercise class.

·       Join a singing group.

·       Join a bowling league.

·       Offer to watch the grandchildren.

·       Consider adopting a pet.

·       Take a class at a nearby senior center, college, or recreation center.

·       Stay in touch with family and friends, either in person or online.

·       When they feel stronger,  think about getting their legal and financial affairs in order. For example, you might need to:

o   Write a new will and advance directive.

o   Look into an enduring power of attorney for legal matters and a representation agreement (In BC only) for health care, in case you are unable to make your own medical decisions in the future.

o   Put joint property (such as a house or car) in their name.

o   Check on changes you might need to make to health insurance as well as your life, car, and homeowner’s insurance.

Having a social life on their own can be tough. It may be hard to think about going to parties or other social events. It can be hard to think about coming home alone. They may be anxious about dating. Many people miss the feeling of closeness that marriage brings. After a time, some are ready to have a social life again. Here are some things to remember:

·       Go at a comfortable pace. There’s no rush.

·       It’s okay to make the first move when it comes to planning things to do.

·       Try group activities. Invite friends for a potluck dinner or go to a senior center.

·       With married friends, think about informal outings like walks, picnics, or movies rather than the couple’s events that remind you of the past.

·       Find an activity you like. The key is to have fun and meet people who like to do the same thing.

·       Take the time to develop meaningful relationships with friends and family members of all ages.

·       Many people find that pets provide important companionship

Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience

Death came to my home this year on December 24th and took one of our young friends from Australia who was visiting with us. He was part of our extended family who were here for a white Christmas and my 70th Birthday. Boges went skiing on the 24th and was injured, he said by a Snowboarder, who knocked him over and hurt Boges already injured knee.

He was in pain and because he had very strong medication for his previous knee injury, he many have taken some medication. Boges came home and he was in bad shape; he had been drinking as well to ease the pain. I spent the night talking to him about life, and he kept apologizing for his inability to walk or to carry on a cohesive conversation. We put Boges to bed around 11:30 and he went to sleep. The next day around 10:30 his partner Dan and I went to wake Boges up. We could see that he was in distress, there was no pulse and he was colder than the inside of my freezer. He had died in his sleep. As of yet, we have no word from the coroner as to cause of death. Boges was 40 years old. 

All of us were in deep shock. I called 911 and told them that that a young man had died. The police arrived shortly after and they were polite and understanding. A Victim Services officer arrived shortly after the police and she explained the process so we would know what would happen next. The coroner arrived about 45 minutes later and the investigation started. Just before the body was removed Dan went to see the body of his friend to say goodbye. Shortly after that Dan had to talk to Boges ’ mum. It was a very hard conversation, we were lucky Victim’s Services were still here when the phone call happened. The Australian Consul phoned later that night to see how the Australians were all doing. Both Victim Services and the Consul have been helpful to our Australian family in their time of distress.

Death of a loved one at any time is difficult, but at this time of the year, it is doubly hard. After the police, Coroner, and the Victim’s Services left, we started to focus on the children in the household. They were all upset, we answered their questions and were honest in how we all felt. We then changed the focus of the day to the arrival of Santa Claus and the celebrations of the next day.

Children are very resilient, although they are still upset, they focused on the good times they had with Boges and they fact he wanted them to have a good time while they were here in Canada.

There are five stages of grief denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief. Everyone grieves differently

Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your age, your faith, and the nature of the loss. The grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried—and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. 

For others, the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold.

In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the “five stages of grief.” These stages of grief were based on her studies of the feelings of patients facing terminal illness, but many people have generalized them to other types of negative life changes and losses, such as the death of a loved one or a break-up.

Michael Lindemann, former chief of psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital defines grief as:

sensations of somatic distress occurring in waves lasting from twenty minutes to an hour at a time, a feeling of tightness in the throat, choking with shortness of breath, need for sighing, and an empty feeling in the abdomen, lack of muscular power, and an intensive subjective distress described as tension or mental pain.

Intensive subjective distress. Yes, exactly: That was the objective description I was looking for. The experience is, as Lindemann notes, brutally physiological: It literally takes your breath away. This is also what makes grief so hard to communicate to anyone who hasn't experienced it.

One thing I learned is that researchers believe there are two kinds of grief: "normal grief" and "complicated grief" (which also called "prolonged grief"). Normal grief is a term for the feeling most bereaved people experience, which peaks within the first six months and then begins to dissipate. ("Complicated grief" does not—and evidence suggests that many parents who lose children are experiencing something more like complicated grief.)

The five stages of grief:

Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”

Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”

Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”

Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”

Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

As my extended family, my family and myself experience these emotions as we have just suffered a loss, it helps to know that our reaction is natural and that we will heal in time. However, I have told my loved one’s that not everyone who grieves goes through all of these stages—and that’ it is okay.   Dan was full of life and there will be other friends who will write a proper obituary for him but for me, at this time I am focused on my family, my extended family from Australia and their well-being. For all of those out there that suffered the loss of a loved one recently, our hearts go out to you and to yours.

Let the Band play on.

A friend of mine died suddenly the other day with his family while on holiday in Texas. Bob and I first worked together back in the 70’s when he started teaching Band and Choir at the Inner City school that we both worked at when he started teaching. 

 Bob and I had gone to high school together, (he was three years behind me, but I knew him through my brothers). Bob was full of life and love for music; it was in his soul. Bob build up the band program at the school, working long hours, taking kids on band trips that became legendary (if not among the students, among the people who travelled with him). 

Bob left that school a few years after I did leaving behind a legacy that lives on today for his students as evidenced by these facebook comment from some of his students from his time with me at Whalley:

RIP Mr. Bob LaBonte, you will be missed! I remember the late 70's and the  rough kids we were in Whalley, and how much even then we respected and  loved you. You were a special kind of teacher and person!

So sad to hear...he was my favourite teacher is all of West Whalley. He alway seemed to respect and understand us. I will always remember our band trips. RIP Mr. LaBonte.

Bob moved on to other schools, built wonderful band, and choir programs, and he was always looking for a challenge. When he retired a couple of years ago,  like me he became bored wit retirement and was quickly re-hired by the district and ended up teaching on a temporary contract at Frank Hurt (an Inner city school in Central Surrey). During his first year at Frank Hurt,(two years ago),  he started to build the Band program back up, by his second year it was in full swing, and Bob was hired on a continuing contract to continue his work at the school

His second year was this last school year and I was lucky enough to work with him again. Bob rarely took lunch as he would rather take the time to work with students who wanted extra practice time. When he did take lunch, he and I would talk about the Band program, old times, old friends, his family and how he was looking forward to next year. 

He was very excited that he had expanded the program and he had a lot of grade 8’s coming into the program. We talked about his upcoming trip where he was going to go to Texas, then New Orleans and other areas where he could relax and enjoy the music. We heard today that he had died in Texas, in his sleep. 

His death is such a loss to his family, his friends and to all of the people that he touched. Music was in his soul and my sympathy goes to his wife and children. Bob LaBonte, rest in peace, you will be missed!

Greiving is like an altered state

Mourning is like an altered state of being and grief has to be endured.
The following is from The Long Goodbye, The moment I heard my mother's diagnosis. By Meghan O'Rourke

The clinical literature on grief is extensive. Much of it reinforces what even the newish mourner has already begun to realize: Grief isn't rational; it isn't linear; it is experienced in waves. Joan Didion talks about this in The Year of Magical Thinking, her remarkable memoir about losing her husband while her daughter was ill: "[V]irtually everyone who has ever experienced grief mentions this phenomenon of waves," she writes. She quotes a 1944 description by Michael Lindemann, then chief of psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital. He defines grief as:

sensations of somatic distress occurring in waves lasting from twenty minutes to an hour at a time, a feeling of tightness in the throat, choking with shortness of breath, need for sighing, and an empty feeling in the abdomen, lack of muscular power, and an intensive subjective distress described as tension or mental pain.

Intensive subjective distress. Yes, exactly: That was the objective description I was looking for. The experience is, as Lindemann notes, brutally physiological: It literally takes your breath away. This is also what makes grief so hard to communicate to anyone who hasn't experienced it.
One thing I learned is that researchers believe there are two kinds of grief: "normal grief" and "complicated grief" (which is also called "prolonged grief"). Normal grief is a term for the feeling most bereaved people experience, which peaks within the first six months and then begins to dissipate. ("Complicated grief" does not—and evidence suggests that many parents who lose children are experiencing something more like complicated grief.) Calling grief "normal" makes it sound mundane, but, as one researcher underscored to me, its symptoms are extreme. They include insomnia or other sleep disorders, difficulty breathing, auditory or visual hallucinations, appetite problems, and dryness of mouth.

Researchers at Yale recently conducted an extensive study of bereavement and found that Kübler-Ross' stages were more like states. While people did experience those emotions, the dominant feeling they experienced after a death was yearning or pining
I thought this was an interesting article.

On death and taxes

In the last few months, a friend of mine lost his mother, another friend lost her husband and then her Uncle in a violent accident,  a friend lost a close chum from high school, I lost a cousin and then an Aunt. Every month I read in the monthly teachers magazine of teachers who will be missed, meaning they have died. Some of the names I know, most I don't. One of the facts of life that we do not want to face, his we are mortal, we live for a brief moment and then leave. I know I am at the time of my life when I will start recognizing more of the names of those who who will be missed.

Celebrations of life will be held, as they should be as these are more for the living to remember the goog of those who past. Yet it is hard to help ourselves and others deal with the pain and shock when someone we love dies. As I move through my 60's I am becoming more aware of the need to face the issue of mortality and to be alert to the way I can help others. I am at the age where I will start to lose more friends and relatives.

 Earlier I posted some thoughts on  Grief and I thought I would revisit them now

Have you ever lost someone close to you to death? We go through a grief process that was best described by Elizabeth Kublar-Ross in On Death and Dying. In it she talks about the five stages that people go through---denial and isolation; anger; bargaining; depression and finally acceptance. The dying, as well as those who love them, go through these stages although rarely at the same time and these stages are not predictable.

You may think you are in the anger phase, then jump to depression and then, back to denial again. There is no rhyme or reason---only what feels right for each individual at the time. No one can predict how long a phase will last. If you are grieving and some well-meaning person suggests that you shouldn’t be feeling what you are feeling, kindly thank them for their concern but know that you are exactly where you need to be.

However, with grief, sometimes you will become aware of something not feeling right. You may think, “I should be over this by now” or “I don’t like feeling this way.” When you, yourself, recognize that it is time to move beyond where you are at, then trust that feeling as well.

I’d like to talk about grief from a Choice Theory perspective. I need to start with the Choice Theory expression that all behavior is purposeful since grief is really just a behavior in choice theory terms. Choice theory tells us that everything we do at any point in time is our best attempt to get something we want---some picture we have in our Quality World that will meet one or more of our needs in some way. Grief is no exception.

Once you understand that all behavior is purposeful and that grief is a person’s best attempt to get something they want, then it becomes easier to know what to do about it. What could we possibly be trying to get by grieving? Most people would say that there isn’t a choice. When someone we love dies, we have to grieve. I say it is natural that we will miss the person’s presence in our life but it isn’t inevitable that we have to grieve, not in the way most people think of grieving.

The first thing I believe that we are trying to get with our grief is the person who died. When we grieve, it is our best attempt to keep that person alive, at least in our perceived world. We know they no longer exist in the physical world as we know it. However, if we continue to think about them, pine for them, grieve their presence, then it keeps the thought of that person active in our perception and it feels better to us than the total void or absence of the other person.

Another possible advantage of grief is that it shows others just how much we cared for and loved the person who died. I’m not suggesting that people are being manipulative in their grief. What I am saying is that there is a side benefit to grief in that it shows others how much we cared. It also says, “See what a good ___________ I was.” Fill in the blank with husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, mother, father, sister, brother, etc.

Grief is also instrumental in getting us the support we need from others during our time of bereavement. People do things for us that we would normally be expected to do ourselves. Again, please don’t think that I am suggesting that a grieving person wakes up and “decides” to grieve so someone will stop by the house with a meal. None of this is conscious but I’m merely pointing out the potential advantages of grief.

Once we become totally conscious and aware of what our grief does and doesn’t do for us, then comes the hard part. We need to make some decisions about how we want to live.

There are always at least three options in every situation and they can be framed up in terms of---leave it, change it or accept it. With death, you may wonder how someone is going to “leave it.” Well, some possible ways would be major denial of the loss, suicide, drugs and/or alcohol abuse, or sinking deep into mental illness, among others.

When we get caught up in changing things, we may continue in our grief as our best attempt to get the person back. That might look like constant trips to the cemetery, frequent conversations with the deceased, refusing to believe he or she is truly gone, constantly talking about the one who’s gone. There are many things we can do to attempt to change the reality of the loss.

If and when we come to accept it, we can experience some measure of peace and rejoin the living. A healthy step in this process is finding a way to somehow maintain that person’s presence in our lives. Now, this is a very individual thing and you must be very careful not to judge the choices of the bereaved.

Most people saw Meet the Parents. In it, Robert DiNero’s character kept the ashes of his mother in an urn on his mantle. Many people do this with the cremated remains of their loved ones. Others place some ashes in a necklace and wear it around their neck. Some will set up scholarship or memorials.

There are all kinds of creative ways to maintain the person’s presence. There is no wrong way. Whatever brings comfort to the bereaved should be supported by those around them. Remember that just because a person is choosing something that may be distasteful or wrong to you, doesn’t make it wrong for that person.

When acceptance occurs, then the grieving person can begin to reassimilate back into their life and the lives of those around them but it won’t happen overnight. We need patience and loving understanding for those coming back from grief.

Another possible choice is the person who doesn’t appear to grieve at all. There may be many explanations for this behavior. The person may be very private and won’t do his or her grieving where others can see. Another possibility is that the person is trying to be strong for everyone else.

If you are grieving, or you are involved in the life of someone who is grieving, please don’t judge yourself or them. Understand that all behavior is purposeful and the person is getting something out of what they are doing. When they become conscious that there is a choice, then they can make a conscious decision about which of the three choices they want to make. Once they know the direction they want to go in, they have to flesh out the details of their plan.

Grief and loss

Have you ever lost someone close to you to death? We go through a grief process that was best described by Elizabeth Kublar-Ross in On Death and Dying. In it she talks about the five stages that people go through---denial and isolation; anger; bargaining; depression and finally acceptance. The dying, as well as those who love them, go through these stages although rarely at the same time and these stages are not predictable.

You may think you are in the anger phase, then jump to depression and then, back to denial again. There is no rhyme or reason---only what feels right for each individual at the time. No one can predict how long a phase will last. If you are grieving and some well-meaning person suggests that you shouldn’t be feeling what you are feeling, kindly thank them for their concern but know that you are exactly where you need to be.

However, with grief, sometimes you will become aware of something not feeling right. You may think, “I should be over this by now” or “I don’t like feeling this way.” When you, yourself, recognize that it is time to move beyond where you are at, then trust that feeling as well.

I’d like to talk about grief from a Choice Theory perspective. I need to start with the Choice Theory expression that all behavior is purposeful since grief is really just a behavior in choice theory terms. Choice theory tells us that everything we do at any point in time is our best attempt to get something we want---some picture we have in our Quality World that will meet one or more of our needs in some way. Grief is no exception.

Once you understand that all behavior is purposeful and that grief is a person’s best attempt to get something they want, then it becomes easier to know what to do about it. What could we possibly be trying to get by grieving? Most people would say that there isn’t a choice. When someone we love dies, we have to grieve. I say it is natural that we will miss the person’s presence in our life but it isn’t inevitable that we have to grieve, not in the way most people think of grieving.

The first thing I believe that we are trying to get with our grief is the person who died. When we grieve, it is our best attempt to keep that person alive, at least in our perceived world. We know they no longer exist in the physical world as we know it. However, if we continue to think about them, pine for them, grieve their presence, then it keeps the thought of that person active in our perception and it feels better to us than the total void or absence of the other person.

Another possible advantage of grief is that it shows others just how much we cared for and loved the person who died. I’m not suggesting that people are being manipulative in their grief. What I am saying is that there is a side benefit to grief in that it shows others how much we cared. It also says, “See what a good ___________ I was.” Fill in the blank with husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, mother, father, sister, brother, etc.

Grief is also instrumental in getting us the support we need from others during our time of bereavement. People do things for us that we would normally be expected to do ourselves. Again, please don’t think that I am suggesting that a grieving person wakes up and “decides” to grieve so someone will stop by the house with a meal. None of this is conscious but I’m merely pointing out the potential advantages of grief.

Once we become totally conscious and aware of what our grief does and doesn’t do for us, then comes the hard part. We need to make some decisions about how we want to live.

There are always at least three options in every situation and they can be framed up in terms of---leave it, change it or accept it. With death, you may wonder how someone is going to “leave it.” Well, some possible ways would be major denial of the loss, suicide, drugs and/or alcohol abuse, or sinking deep into mental illness, among others.

When we get caught up in changing things, we may continue in our grief as our best attempt to get the person back. That might look like constant trips to the cemetery, frequent conversations with the deceased, refusing to believe he or she is truly gone, constantly talking about the one who’s gone. There are many things we can do to attempt to change the reality of the loss.

If and when we come to accept it, we can experience some measure of peace and rejoin the living. A healthy step in this process is finding a way to somehow maintain that person’s presence in our lives. Now, this is a very individual thing and you must be very careful not to judge the choices of the bereaved.

Most people saw Meet the Parents. In it, Robert DiNero’s character kept the ashes of his mother in an urn on his mantle. Many people do this with the cremated remains of their loved ones. Others place some ashes in a necklace and wear it around their neck. Some will set up scholarship or memorials.

There are all kinds of creative ways to maintain the person’s presence. There is no wrong way. Whatever brings comfort to the bereaved should be supported by those around them. Remember that just because a person is choosing something that may be distasteful or wrong to you, doesn’t make it wrong for that person.

When acceptance occurs, then the grieving person can begin to reassimilate back into their life and the lives of those around them but it won’t happen overnight. We need patience and loving understanding for those coming back from grief.

Another possible choice is the person who doesn’t appear to grieve at all. There may be many explanations for this behavior. The person may be very private and won’t do his or her grieving where others can see. Another possibility is that the person is trying to be strong for everyone else. 

If you are grieving, or you are involved in the life of someone who is grieving, please don’t judge yourself or them. Understand that all behavior is purposeful and the person is getting something out of what they are doing. When they become conscious that there is a choice, then they can make a conscious decision about which of the three choices they want to make. Once they know the direction they want to go in, they have to flesh out the details of their plan.