Jokes and More jokes

 A man goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I keep hearing the words of The Green, Green Grass of Home - constantly ringing in my ears" The doc examines the man thoroughly, before pausing for a moment. He says "Well, sir I'm certain you have Tom Jones disease". The man asked, with an air of concern in his voice "Is this a rare condition?" to which the doc replied "It’s Not Unusual.

If you don't get going quick, they might lay you "neath the green, green grass of home".......

Next time you see the doctor just ask him ... What’s new pussycat?

What is made out of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?Trombones.

Many years ago, a smart old sculptor was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union and emigrate to the United States where his son lived.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: "What is that?" Old man: "What is that? What is that?! Do not say ‟What is that?” say ‟Who is that?” That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker’s paradise!" The official smiled and let the old man through.

The old man arrived at JFK airport, where an American customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: "What is that?" Old man:" What is that? What is that?! Do not say ‟What is that?” say ‟Who is that?” That is Lenin! The bastard! I’ll put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from having a good life." The official smiled and let him through.

When he arrived at his family’s house in Brooklyn, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: "Who is that grandpa?" Old man: "Who is that? Who is that?! Don’t say ‟Who is that?” say ‟What is that?” That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!"

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.  Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. 

How to prevent sagging?  Just eat until the wrinkles fill out. 

I've sure gotten old!    I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.  Have bouts with dementia.  Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.  Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.  Have lost all my friends. But thank God, I still have my driver's license! 

When I was about 7 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a co-worker of his, someone I didn't even know. When we got there, I stood in a corner waiting for the time to pass. 

A bitter looking man approached me and said, "Enjoy life kid, enjoy it because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it." Then he passed his hand over my head and left. 

My father, before leaving took me with him to pay honours to his friend. When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!! I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. 

I was terrified of being alone. I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years. It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear. It was many years later when I discovered something remarkable that completely changed my life. That bastard had a twin.