Some Jokes on a Sunday afternoon

A philosopher, a mathematician, a chemist and a physicist were at the coffee shops. The physicist turns to the chemist sitting next to him and says "You know, chemistry is just applied physics!" 

They all laugh a bit at the chemist. 

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!" 

They all share a laugh at the physicist. 

At this point, the philosopher interjects, "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!" 

The laughter roars even louder. 

The mathematician turns to the philosopher and says: "That's funny. Now shut up and bring me the coffee I ordered."

A young man dressed walks tall through the doors of the local coffee shop one Sunday morning. He sits lazily and looks the place up and down before raising his hand and summoning a waiter. "I would like your FRESHEST coffee, none of that muddy stuff you probably usually make from yesterday's leftovers." 

The waiter assured him they make fresh coffee many times per day. 

"I'll believe it when I taste it." Said the young man. "I'm from New York and I know good coffee. There's very little chance you've got good coffee here, so at least make a new batch for me." and he shoos him away. 

The waiter goes to the kitchen and comes back with a cup of steamy coffee. The man tastes it and immediately makes a disgusted face. "Just what I thought, that's not FRESH. Come on, make me another one!" 

The waiter goes back to the kitchen and indeed takes some time to return. Upon his return, he is holding a steaming and aromatic coffee cup. The waiter gives the gentleman the cup and he takes a sip... before spitting it out immediately. 

He turns to the waiter and shouts, “This is way worse! This coffee tastes like mud!”

 The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the man and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

April 1 foolishness

His Excellent Memory Three old men are discussing their failing memories. The first old man says, "Today I was at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember if I had just gone up or was about to go down." The second old man says, "I was sitting at the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember if I was about to sleep or just woke up." The third man scoffs and says, "My memory is as good as ever, knock on wood." With this, he hits the table twice with his knuckle, looks up in surprise and yells "Who's there?"

It's Not Easy Finding a Job.  At my first job, I was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I just couldn't concentrate. 

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. 

After that, I tried being a tailor, but I wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job. 

Next, I tried working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because I got tired of the same old grind. 

Then, I tried being a chef - I figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. 

Next, I tried working in a deli, but anyway I sliced it, I just couldn't cut the mustard.

 My best job was as a musician, but I eventually found I wasn't noteworthy. 

I studied for a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

 Next up was a job in a shoe factory - I tried hard, but I just didn't fit in. 

After that, I became a fisherman, but I discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

 Next, I managed to get a job at a pool maintenance company, but the work was too draining. 

So, after that, I got a job at a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

 After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, but I realized there was no future in it. 

My last job was when I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting. 

So, I tried retirement! And I Found I'm PERFECT For the Job!

The Way it Used to Be  A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather. He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! Altogether, it came to $47.22. Here's your change." Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favourite candies, all for about five cents. "Can't do that today, though. No siree Bob!" "Why is that grandpa?" asks the boy. "Too many bloody cameras."

The Preacher's Paycheck There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby, so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers." And the congregation said, "Amen." 

Jokes and More jokes

 A man goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I keep hearing the words of The Green, Green Grass of Home - constantly ringing in my ears" The doc examines the man thoroughly, before pausing for a moment. He says "Well, sir I'm certain you have Tom Jones disease". The man asked, with an air of concern in his voice "Is this a rare condition?" to which the doc replied "It’s Not Unusual.

If you don't get going quick, they might lay you "neath the green, green grass of home".......

Next time you see the doctor just ask him ... What’s new pussycat?

What is made out of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?Trombones.

Many years ago, a smart old sculptor was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union and emigrate to the United States where his son lived.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: "What is that?" Old man: "What is that? What is that?! Do not say ‟What is that?” say ‟Who is that?” That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker’s paradise!" The official smiled and let the old man through.

The old man arrived at JFK airport, where an American customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: "What is that?" Old man:" What is that? What is that?! Do not say ‟What is that?” say ‟Who is that?” That is Lenin! The bastard! I’ll put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from having a good life." The official smiled and let him through.

When he arrived at his family’s house in Brooklyn, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: "Who is that grandpa?" Old man: "Who is that? Who is that?! Don’t say ‟Who is that?” say ‟What is that?” That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!"

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.  Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. 

How to prevent sagging?  Just eat until the wrinkles fill out. 

I've sure gotten old!    I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.  Have bouts with dementia.  Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.  Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.  Have lost all my friends. But thank God, I still have my driver's license! 

When I was about 7 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a co-worker of his, someone I didn't even know. When we got there, I stood in a corner waiting for the time to pass. 

A bitter looking man approached me and said, "Enjoy life kid, enjoy it because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it." Then he passed his hand over my head and left. 

My father, before leaving took me with him to pay honours to his friend. When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!! I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. 

I was terrified of being alone. I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years. It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear. It was many years later when I discovered something remarkable that completely changed my life. That bastard had a twin.

 

More jokes for my grandson, Groaners for sure

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
Answer: A cloud

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Answer: Nacho Cheese.