1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To
me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age
60 might be the new 40, but 8:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's
the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The
older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When
I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between
yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I
remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I
had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember,
if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't
fit any of your containers.
10. If
you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare
straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When
you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not
mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I
finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I
run like the winded.
14. I
hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know
whose side I'm on.
15. When
someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did
you hear?"
16. When
you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an
aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I
don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really
excited.
18. When
I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."
19. Don't
bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my
head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
No comments:
Post a Comment