"There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!"

 Question: How many days are there in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday 

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch. 

Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. 

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. 

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. 

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes. 

Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

"There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!" Groucho Marx 

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: Idiot 

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. 

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Lunch. 

"I have never liked working. To me, a job is an invasion of privacy." Danny McGorty 

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never-ending Coffee Break. 

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. 

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Question: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday through Friday, nothing; Saturday & Sunday, I rest. 

"I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day." 

Grandma and Her Boyfriend 

A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day. She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:  "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" 

Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. 

"The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." 

Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. 

Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door. 

When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?"

The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."