When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So I took her to a gas station. And that's when the fight started...
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my
old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those
many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who
would think that a person could go on celebrating that long?" And that's
when the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter,
for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium
rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the
mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the
fight started...
A woman is standing nude, looking in the
bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's
damn near perfect." And that's when the fight started...
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case
of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started...
My wife asked me if a certain dress made
her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress that she had worn
yesterday. And that's when the fight started...
A man and a woman were asleep like two
innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from
outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
"Holy crap. That must be my husband!"
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared
and naked he jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran
through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later
he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, "I AM your
husband!"
The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why
were you RUNNING?" And that's when the fight started...
Saturday morning, I got up early, quietly
dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I
hooked up the boat to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back
into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to
my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The
weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And
that's when the fight started...
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to
go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So
I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started...
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be
A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want
to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that
your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time,
simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a
friend." And that's when the fight started...
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