April 1 foolishness

His Excellent Memory Three old men are discussing their failing memories. The first old man says, "Today I was at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember if I had just gone up or was about to go down." The second old man says, "I was sitting at the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember if I was about to sleep or just woke up." The third man scoffs and says, "My memory is as good as ever, knock on wood." With this, he hits the table twice with his knuckle, looks up in surprise and yells "Who's there?"

It's Not Easy Finding a Job.  At my first job, I was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I just couldn't concentrate. 

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. 

After that, I tried being a tailor, but I wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job. 

Next, I tried working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because I got tired of the same old grind. 

Then, I tried being a chef - I figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. 

Next, I tried working in a deli, but anyway I sliced it, I just couldn't cut the mustard.

 My best job was as a musician, but I eventually found I wasn't noteworthy. 

I studied for a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

 Next up was a job in a shoe factory - I tried hard, but I just didn't fit in. 

After that, I became a fisherman, but I discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

 Next, I managed to get a job at a pool maintenance company, but the work was too draining. 

So, after that, I got a job at a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

 After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, but I realized there was no future in it. 

My last job was when I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting. 

So, I tried retirement! And I Found I'm PERFECT For the Job!

The Way it Used to Be  A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather. He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! Altogether, it came to $47.22. Here's your change." Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favourite candies, all for about five cents. "Can't do that today, though. No siree Bob!" "Why is that grandpa?" asks the boy. "Too many bloody cameras."

The Preacher's Paycheck There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby, so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers." And the congregation said, "Amen."