Retirement and couples

 Since I started work, back in the 60s' there have been many changes in living arrangements for both couples and families. There are many who have studied these changes in relationships over time. This does affect the dynamics of retirement, with more women working and fewer women being exclusively housewives, the balance between independence and dependence has significantly changed couples’ relationship patterns that may carry over when both or one person wants to retire.

Couples are often forced to accept more independence in their relationships as a matter of economic necessity. Dependency and co-dependency can result in stresses that can end a relationship. Sometimes the degree of independence in a relationship can be carried into and even exacerbated by retirement.

When there is an age difference within a couple, one person might be retired while the other is still working. Women may be reluctant to retire until necessary if they have spent earlier years raising a family but are now engaged with their careers. For retired older male partners of such women, the prospect of “home alone” and “cabin fever” may result unless the partner is willing to live more independently. Also, women who have stayed at home may have developed life, apart from their partner, that they wish to continue even when their partner retires.

The balance between intimacy and isolation is important for a variety of living arrangements. However, the transition to retirement begins a new lifestyle that can change the nature of past patterns of intimacy and isolation. A couple probably needs to adjust to the acceptance of increased mutual independence in retirement if their retirements are not concurrent. 

This urge to merge is often motivated by the need for security or the lowering of anxiety regarding the tenure of a relationship. There is also the magical belief that this merging will bring healing that solves many personal problems. Research based on socio-emotional selectivity theory suggests that as people age, they may prefer fewer but closer friends whose company they enjoy. As a result, there could be more time spent in solitude unless retirees spend more time with fewer friends.

It is hard for us to make new friends. When we were younger, we could make friends and it was easy. We made friends at work, with people we shared hobbies with, with people we met at our children’s activities. We cast a wide social net and met many acquaintances some of whom became friends. Our social network shrinks over time, friends move, or we move, children move on, and those who share our hobbies are younger. There are many reasons why it is hard to make new friends. There is also the distinct possibility that retirees who move to a distant new residence will not have a shared history with new friends formed in that location. The social convoy of which they were a part in their previous community is left behind. This can become an additional loss to those already triggered by retirement.