A strange old man has moved into my house. I have no idea who he is, where he came from, or how he got in. I certainly did not invite him. All I know is that one day he wasn't there, and the next day he was.
He is a clever old man and manages to keep out of sight for
the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of him. And,
whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there he is hogging the
whole thing, completely obliterating my handsome face and body. This is very
rude! I have tried yelling at him, but he just yells back.
The least he could do is offer to pay part of the bills, but
no. Every once in a while, I find a $5 bill stuck in a coat pocket or some
loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough. And I don't
want to jump to conclusions, but I think he is stealing money from me. I go to
the ATM and withdraw $50 and a few days later, it's all gone! I certainly don't
spend money that fast, so I can only conclude the old man is pilfering from me.
And money isn't the only thing I think he is stealing.
Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate-especially the
good stuff like ice cream, chips, and sweets. He must have a real sweet tooth,
but he'd better watch because he is really packing on the pounds. I suspect he
realizes this, and to make herself feel better, he is tampering with my scale
to make me think I am putting on weight, too.
For an old man, he is quite childish. He likes to play nasty
games, like going into my closet when I'm not home and altering my clothes so
they don't fit. And he messes with my files and papers so I can't find
anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and
organized.
He has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. He gets
into my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I
can't read it. And he has done something really sinister to the volume controls
on my TV, radio, and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers. He
has done other things-like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum heavier and all
the knob and taps harder to turn. He even made my bed higher so that getting
into and out of it is a real challenge.
Lately, he has been fooling with my groceries before I put
them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to
open the jars. He has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try
something on, he stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes
it. He looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus, he keeps me
from seeing how great they look on me.
Just when I thought he couldn't get any meaner, he proved me
wrong. He came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's
license, and just as the camera shutter clicked, he jumped in front of me
I hope he never finds out where you live!
Thanks to the funny grandmas who sent me this
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