A look at ageing and relationships with humour

 My wife and I were watching TV, and a commercial came on for a wrinkle cream.

She said, "Do you think I should try that?"

I said, "Why? You're not the target demographic yet."

And that's when the fight started.

I told my wife, "You still look as beautiful as the day we met."

She smiled and said, "Aww, that’s so sweet!"

Then I added, "Except now, your beauty comes with more character lines."

And that's when the fight started.

We were at the doctor’s office for our annual checkup, and the doctor asked if I was staying active.

I said, "Does chasing after my wife when she can’t remember where her keys are count?"

And that’s when the fight started.

I was flipping through our wedding album when my wife sat next to me.

She said, "Do you think I’ve changed much since then?"

I replied, "Not at all! The photo just needs better lighting now."

And that’s when the fight started.

My wife was doing yoga in the living room, and I said, "Wow, you’re really flexible for your age!"

She smiled and said, "Thanks!"

I added, "Yeah, your joints make all kinds of interesting sounds now."

And that's when the fight started.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.

She said, "Something that’ll make me feel young again."

So I handed her a coloring book and crayons.

And that’s when the fight started.

My wife told me she read an article that said a positive attitude can help you age gracefully.

I said, "Great! You’re already aging; now you just need the grace part."

And that’s when the fight started.

We were grocery shopping, and I grabbed a pack of energy drinks.

My wife said, "Don’t you think you’re a little old for those?"

I replied, "Well, I’d grab the prune juice, but you already put it in the cart."

And that's when the fight started.

I was reading the newspaper when my wife asked, "What does the horoscope say to me?"

I said, "It says you should stop asking me questions while I’m trying to read."

And that’s when the fight started.

My wife said, "Let’s make a bucket list for our golden years."

I said, "Sure, as long as it includes sitting quietly and not spending money."

And that’s when the fight started.

A bevy of very old jokes for recycling in 2025

My wife asked me to take her to one of those fancy places where they serve small portions of food on big plates.

So I took her to a hardware store.

And that's when the fight started.

I was in the kitchen when my wife asked, "What's for dinner?"

I replied, "Whatever you're making smells amazing!"

She wasn't cooking.

And that's when the fight started.

My wife was putting on makeup, and I asked, "Why do you wear so much makeup? You look great without it."

She smiled and said, "Really? That’s sweet!"

Then I added, "But with it, you look amazing on Zoom calls."

And that's when the fight started.

My wife was struggling to open a jar, so she handed it to me.

After I opened it easily, I said, "Looks like you loosened it for me."

She replied, "At least I loosened it, unlike your sense of humour."

And that's when the fight started.

I asked my wife, "Honey, where do you want to go for our anniversary this year?"

She said, "Somewhere I've never been before."

I said, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school

reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his

drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking

right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he

hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,

making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing

scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into

the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again

I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the

grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the

boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential

downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather

would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;

now with a different anticipation,

and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply

for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped

your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you

to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot

as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

Seniors in 1925 vs. 2025: The "Good Old Days" Revisited

 We are in the middle of the 20s an era that in 1900 was seen in retrospect as the good old days, a time of jazz, flapper dresses, and, for seniors, what could generously be described as a simpler life. But was it really simpler, or just harder with fewer options? My friends and I were talking about how life might have been in the Roaring 20s for seniors. So, I did some research (very little) so let's take a friendly stroll down memory lane to see how life for those over 65 in 1925 stacks up against their counterparts in 2025. Spoiler alert: nostalgia may not hold up to scrutiny!

In 1925, healthcare for seniors was a mixed bag of hope and horseradish. Medical advances like insulin had just been discovered, but antibiotics? Not until 1940. If you were unwell, you might rely on a local doctor whose toolkit included little more than a stethoscope, a few tinctures, and a cheerful bedside manner. Surgery was often more dangerous than the ailment it aimed to cure, and if your condition lingered, it was common to hear, "Well, Grandma’s got the vapours again!"

By 2025, healthcare has entered the Jetsons era. Seniors receive help from routine checkups via telehealth, advanced diagnostic tools, and medications for almost every ailment. While the waiting rooms might still be filled with Muzak and outdated magazines, at least you’re waiting for effective treatments instead of dubious elixirs. Sure, deciphering a health insurance policy may feel like solving a Rubik’s Cube, but it beats trusting your well-being to snake oil.

Housing in 1925 was straightforward: most seniors lived with extended family; in the same house they’d occupied for decades. There were no retirement communities, and the concept of "aging in place" didn’t need a name, it was simply the reality. The heating might come from a coal stove, and your best "smart home" feature was a grandchild fetching your slippers.

Fast forward to 2025, and seniors can choose between downsizing, assisted living, or staying at home with the help of gadgets like smart thermostats, voice-activated assistants, and even robotic vacuum cleaners that have better social skills than some of their old neighbors. Of course, housing costs are higher now, but at least you’re not chasing squirrels out of the attic (unless you miss that sort of thing).

In 1925, the idea of "retirement" was more myth than reality. Pensions were rare, Social Security didn’t exist yet (it was introduced in 1935), and most seniors worked as long as they could physically manage. If you couldn’t work, you relied on family or charity. Your golden years? More like tarnished bronze.

By 2025, retirement is more nuanced. Many seniors enjoy a mix of leisure and part-time work—not because they have to (though some do) but because they want to. The internet offers opportunities for consulting, remote work, or selling crafts on Etsy. And while you might grumble about inflation nibbling at your savings, at least you’re not trudging to the factory at 70.

Retirement in 1925 often meant sitting on the porch and watching the world go by if you could afford it. Vacations were for the wealthy, and hobbies were practical: knitting, gardening, or whittling. For many, retirement simply wasn’t in the cards.

In 2025, retirement is a vibrant phase of life. Seniors take cruises, learn new languages, volunteer, and even start new businesses. Sure, technology can be frustrating (“Why does my phone keep talking to me?”), but it also opens doors to global adventures and connections that the seniors of 1925 couldn’t dream of.

In 1925, seniors often lived with their adult children, whether they liked it or not. This arrangement had its perks, grandkids underfoot and home-cooked meals—but privacy was nonexistent. Heated family debates might occur over dinner instead of text, which may or may not have been an improvement.

By 2025, families are more spread out, and visits might involve planes and Zoom calls rather than a walk down the hall. While some seniors lament the loss of constant contact, others appreciate the independence and quiet. And let’s be honest, avoiding the occasional family drama isn’t the worst thing in the world.

While life in 1925 had its charms, community ties, simpler times, and less email seniors in 2025 enjoy freedoms and opportunities unimaginable a century ago. From modern medicine to accessible hobbies and greater financial security, the past may have been "good," but the present is undeniably better.

So, the next time someone sighs wistfully about the "good old days," remind them that, in 1925, "Alexa, what’s the weather?" would have gotten you strange looks, and dental care often involved pliers. The good news? We’re living in the good days now, and they’re only getting better.

Grammar and humour

 There are some jokes that play on various grammatical and literary concepts, that have been circulating on social media, here is my take on some more.

·   An Interjection bursts into a bar, exclaiming, "What a night!"

·   A Split Infinitive walks into a bar, boldly going where no one has gone before.

·   A Split Infinitive boldly walks into a bar.

·   An Ellipsis walks into a bar... and then just trails off.

·   An Ellipsis walks into a bar… and just keeps going.

·   A Double Negative walks into a bar and orders a drink, saying, "I don't not want a beer."

·   An Onomatopoeia walks into a bar with a bang, a crash, and a boom.

·   An Onomatopoeia crashes into a bar, BOOM!

·   A Personification strolls into a bar, and the door greets it with a smile.

·   An Alliteration walks into a bar, asking for a pint of perfect pilsner.

·   A Hypercorrection walks into a bar and corrects the bartender's grammar.

·   A Tautology walks into a bar and orders a free free drink.

·   A Tautology walks into a bar and orders a drink because a drink is what it wants.

·   An Euphemism walks into a bar and asks for a "gentleman's drink."

·   A Red Herring walks into a bar, but it's just there to distract you from the real joke.

·   An Anachronism walks into a bar, wearing a top hat and ordering a martini.

·   A Pleonasm walks into a bar and orders a completely and utterly full glass of beer.

·   A Neologism walks into a bar and invents a new word for "fun."

·   An Idiom walks into a bar, saying it's "raining cats and dogs" outside.

·   A Jargon walks into a bar, speaking in technical terms that confuse everyone.

·   A Homophone walks into a bar, asking for a "bare" instead of a "bear."

·   A homophone walks into a bar, whether it likes it or knot.

·   A Homograph walks into a bar, wondering if it's a "bank" or a "bank."

·   A Metonymy walks into a bar, asking for "the White House" instead of the bartender.

·   A Metonymy strolls into a bar and says, "Give me a pint of the strong stuff."

·   An Enjambment walks into a bar, continuing the sentence from the previous room.

·   A semicolon walks into a bar; it connects with everyone.

·   A misplaced apostrophe walks into a bar, orders it's usual.

·   A contraction walks into a bar. "I'll have what she's having."

·   A palindrome walks into a bar, saying, "Madam, in Eden, I'm Adam."

·   An appositive walks into a bar, its friend, a bartender, nods knowingly.

·   A rhetorical question walks into a bar, who needs drinks anyway?

·   A parenthesis walks into a bar (it's not really sure why).

·   An understatement walks into a bar, says, "This isn't the worst place I've been."

·   A litotes walks into a bar, not displeased to be there.

·   An antonym walks into a bar, walks out sober.

·   A capitalization walks into a Bar, making a Big Deal of It.

·   An anagram strolls into a bra... I mean, bar.

·   A spoonerism walks into a bar and orders a well-boiled icicle.

·   A paradox walks into a bar and says, "I’m nobody."

Vive la difference

Based on a piece by Dave Barry

 One of the most overlooked yet fascinating distinctions in the world is the difference between men and women. At first glance, it might seem like we’re quite similar—after all, we share the same basic anatomy. But once you dig a little deeper, you begin to notice that men and women think and feel in remarkably different ways. This story illustrates those differences so clearly that you’ll never forget it.

Imagine a guy named Fred who’s interested in a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie, and she says yes. They have a great time. A few days later, they go out to dinner and enjoy themselves again. They start seeing each other regularly, and before long, they’re no longer dating anyone else.

Then, one evening while driving home, Martha suddenly realizes something and says aloud, “Do you know that tonight marks exactly six months since we started seeing each other?”

Silence fills the car.

To Martha, the silence is deafening. She starts to worry: Is he upset that I mentioned it? Maybe he feels trapped in this relationship, or perhaps he thinks I’m pressuring him into something he’s not ready for.

Meanwhile, Fred is thinking: Wow, six months already.

Martha, now even more anxious, thinks: But wait, am I really sure I want this relationship to continue? Sometimes I wish I had more space to figure out what I truly want. Where is this going? Are we heading toward marriage? Children? A lifetime together? Am I ready for that? Do I even know this guy?

And Fred? He’s thinking: Let’s see, that means we started dating in February, right after I got the car serviced. I wonder if I’m due for an oil change.

Martha’s mind races: He’s upset. I can tell. Maybe he wants more from this relationship, more commitment, but he’s afraid I don’t feel the same way. Maybe he’s sensed my hesitation before I even realized it myself.

Fred is still lost in thought: I should have the transmission checked again. It’s not shifting smoothly, and I don’t care what those mechanics say—it’s definitely not the weather causing it. It’s 87 degrees outside, for crying out loud.

Martha, feeling increasingly guilty, thinks: He’s angry, and I can’t blame him. I’ve put him through so much, and I’m still not sure how I feel.

Fred, still thinking about his car, realizes: They’ll probably tell me the warranty’s expired. Those scumbags.

Martha, nearly in tears, thinks: Maybe I’m being unrealistic, waiting for a knight in shining armor when I’m sitting right next to a good man. A man who cares about me, and who I care about too. And now I’m hurting him with my silly, romantic fantasies.

Fred is now thinking: Warranty? I’ll show them a warranty…

“Fred,” Martha says softly.

“What?” Fred replies, startled.

“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” Martha says, her eyes filling with tears. “I never should have…I just feel so…” She breaks down, sobbing.

“What?” says Fred, completely bewildered.

“I’m such a fool,” Martha cries. “I know there’s no knight in shining armor. I know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

“No horse?” Fred echoes, confused.

“You must think I’m such an idiot,” Martha says.

“No!” Fred quickly replies, glad to finally know the right answer.

“I just need some time,” Martha says, her voice trembling.

Fred, thinking as fast as he can, comes up with what he hopes is a safe response. “Yes,” he says.

Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand. “Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?” she asks.

“What way?” Fred asks, bewildered.

“About time,” Martha says.

“Oh,” Fred replies. “Yes.” Martha turns to look at him, her eyes searching his, and Fred becomes increasingly nervous about what she might say next—especially if it involves a horse. Finally, she speaks.

“Thank you, Fred,” she says.

“Thank you,” Fred replies.

Fred takes Martha home, and while she lies in bed that night, a conflicted, tortured soul, crying until dawn, Fred gets back to his place, grabs a bag of Doritos, and settles in to watch a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges he’s never heard of. A small voice in the back of his mind tells him something significant happened in the car, but he’s pretty sure he’ll never figure out what, so he decides it’s best not to think about it.

The next day, Martha will call her closest friend, or maybe two, and they’ll talk about the situation for hours. They’ll analyze every word, every gesture, every nuance, considering all the possible meanings and implications. They’ll continue discussing it for weeks, maybe even months, without ever reaching a definite conclusion, but never losing interest.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and ask, “Hey, Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?”

And that, folks, is the difference between men and women.

More jokes for the fall

 1. Why don't scarecrows have brains? They're full of straw.

2. What do you call a scarecrow who's really good at his job? A scare-excellent.

3. Why did the pumpkin get a ticket? It was caught jack-o'-lantern-ing.

4. What do you call a pumpkin that's afraid of heights? A squash-afraid.

5. Why did the leaf change colours? It was feeling autumnal.

6. What's the difference between a scarecrow and a zombie? A scarecrow has a brain.

7. Why did the scarecrow love his job? He had a great outlook.

8. Why did the turkey go to the psychiatrist? He was feeling fowl.

9. What do you call a really small pumpkin? A mini-mellow.

10. Why did the scarecrow need a new job? He was too corny.

11. What do you call a pumpkin that's really shy? A gourd-geous.

12. Why did the scarecrow go to the doctor? He had a straw-berry in his teeth.

13. Why did the leaf love autumn? It was his favorite season.

14. What do you call a pumpkin that's really old? A vintage gourd.

15. Why did the scarecrow go to the dentist? He had a toothache.

16. What do you call a pumpkin that's really fast? A gourd-zilla.

17. Why did the scarecrow love his job? It was a real scare-tactic.

18. What do you call a pumpkin that's really sad? A gourd-geous mess.

19. Why did the scarecrow love his job? He had a great outlook on life.

If it goes wrong refer to

 Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: The moment your hands are covered in grease, that’s when your phone will ring.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool you drop will always roll to the farthest, most impossible-to-reach spot in the room.

Lowery's Law of Home Repair: If something is stuck, use force. If it breaks, well, it was bound to give out sooner or later.

Beach's Law: "Interchangeable" parts rarely are.

William's Law: There's no mechanical problem so tough that it can't be solved with a hammer and a complete disregard for instructions.

Lane's Law of Supply and Demand: The one item you need the most will always be out of stock.

Cannon's Karmic Law: If you ever use a made-up excuse to explain being late, the universe will make sure that excuse becomes reality the next day.

Norman Einstein's Law: If something ridiculous actually works, it’s no longer ridiculous.

Col. Murphy's Law of Combat: Always remember, your gear was probably supplied by the lowest bidder!

Age defing options are they for you?

So, here I am staring into the mirror, trying to convince myself that the man looking back at me is the same fresh-faced guy from my college days. And hey, why not? Who says only women get to indulge in a bit of vanity? These days, it’s not just acceptable for men to put effort into looking good—it’s practically a sport and I have several friends who engage in that sport! But while they might be tempted to chase that youthful glow, I think there is something to be said for embracing your age with a wink and a nod. After all, distinguished is the new young.

Wrinkle, Wrinkle, Little Star: Skin Treatments for the Modern Man

While I snap out of my funk about starting to look my age, I realize that there are many of my age, that don't want to be seen as being old. Sure, I am going to embrace my wrinkles as signs of wisdom and life well-lived.  Many are doing what over a million American men did back in 2005 and jump on the anti-aging bandwagon. That’s right—men are no strangers to the magic of skincare. If you’re looking to shave a few years off your face without resorting to anything too extreme (no one wants to look like they’ve had a permanent wind tunnel experience), here are some options that’ll keep you looking fresh-faced and fancy-free.

Microdermabrasion: The Skin’s Not-So-Secret Vacuum Cleaner

Let’s start with microdermabrasion, which is essentially like sending your face to a high-tech car wash. This procedure uses a vacuum suction device to remove those pesky dead skin cells that have been hanging around a little too long. Add a sprinkle of mild chemical crystals, and voilà! Your skin will look more even, fine lines might take a hike, and you’ll have a glow that screams, “I just woke up like this!”—even if it took 30 minutes and a tiny vacuum cleaner to get there.

Chemical Peels: Out with the Old, In with the Youthful

Next up, chemical peels—because who wouldn’t want to peel back the years, literally? These peels encourage your skin to shed its damaged outer layer, like a snake leaving behind an old skin. The result? Firmer, smoother skin that looks like it just got back from a relaxing tropical vacation. Sure, the light chemical peel will keep you coming back for more, but if you’re serious about looking fresh, a medium peel can keep the clock turned back for up to a year.

Light Skin Rejuvenation: Beam Me Up, Glowy

If you’re a fan of sci-fi, light-skin rejuvenation might be your thing. This treatment uses non-cutting laser beams to zap your skin into producing more collagen, the stuff that keeps you looking firm and youthful. It’s like telling your skin to go back to its younger days, minus the bad haircuts and questionable fashion choices. And the best part? No extreme aftercare is needed, so you can keep looking like the dashing gentleman you are without much effort.

Exercise: The Ultimate Youth Serum

Now, let’s not forget about the oldest trick in the book: regular exercise. It’s free, it’s effective, and it doesn’t involve lying on a table while someone with a mask and a scalpel hovers over you. According to the American Heart Association, a solid workout routine can help you build endurance, strength, and muscle, all while keeping you in fighting shape as the years go by. Plus, nothing says “I’m still in the game” like a fit physique. You might even find yourself catching a few extra glances at the gym—because who doesn’t love a man who takes care of himself?

Embrace the Distinguished Look (or Keep Chasing Youth—It’s Your Call!)

At the end of the day, whether you’re all about keeping that youthful glow or you’re ready to embrace the silver fox within, the choice is yours. Just remember: aging is inevitable, but looking great while doing it is totally optional. And who knows? You might just find that a little laughter at yourself and a lot of confidence in your age are the best age-defying tricks of all.