Grammar and humour

 There are some jokes that play on various grammatical and literary concepts, that have been circulating on social media, here is my take on some more.

·   An Interjection bursts into a bar, exclaiming, "What a night!"

·   A Split Infinitive walks into a bar, boldly going where no one has gone before.

·   A Split Infinitive boldly walks into a bar.

·   An Ellipsis walks into a bar... and then just trails off.

·   An Ellipsis walks into a bar… and just keeps going.

·   A Double Negative walks into a bar and orders a drink, saying, "I don't not want a beer."

·   An Onomatopoeia walks into a bar with a bang, a crash, and a boom.

·   An Onomatopoeia crashes into a bar, BOOM!

·   A Personification strolls into a bar, and the door greets it with a smile.

·   An Alliteration walks into a bar, asking for a pint of perfect pilsner.

·   A Hypercorrection walks into a bar and corrects the bartender's grammar.

·   A Tautology walks into a bar and orders a free free drink.

·   A Tautology walks into a bar and orders a drink because a drink is what it wants.

·   An Euphemism walks into a bar and asks for a "gentleman's drink."

·   A Red Herring walks into a bar, but it's just there to distract you from the real joke.

·   An Anachronism walks into a bar, wearing a top hat and ordering a martini.

·   A Pleonasm walks into a bar and orders a completely and utterly full glass of beer.

·   A Neologism walks into a bar and invents a new word for "fun."

·   An Idiom walks into a bar, saying it's "raining cats and dogs" outside.

·   A Jargon walks into a bar, speaking in technical terms that confuse everyone.

·   A Homophone walks into a bar, asking for a "bare" instead of a "bear."

·   A homophone walks into a bar, whether it likes it or knot.

·   A Homograph walks into a bar, wondering if it's a "bank" or a "bank."

·   A Metonymy walks into a bar, asking for "the White House" instead of the bartender.

·   A Metonymy strolls into a bar and says, "Give me a pint of the strong stuff."

·   An Enjambment walks into a bar, continuing the sentence from the previous room.

·   A semicolon walks into a bar; it connects with everyone.

·   A misplaced apostrophe walks into a bar, orders it's usual.

·   A contraction walks into a bar. "I'll have what she's having."

·   A palindrome walks into a bar, saying, "Madam, in Eden, I'm Adam."

·   An appositive walks into a bar, its friend, a bartender, nods knowingly.

·   A rhetorical question walks into a bar, who needs drinks anyway?

·   A parenthesis walks into a bar (it's not really sure why).

·   An understatement walks into a bar, says, "This isn't the worst place I've been."

·   A litotes walks into a bar, not displeased to be there.

·   An antonym walks into a bar, walks out sober.

·   A capitalization walks into a Bar, making a Big Deal of It.

·   An anagram strolls into a bra... I mean, bar.

·   A spoonerism walks into a bar and orders a well-boiled icicle.

·   A paradox walks into a bar and says, "I’m nobody."

Vive la difference

Based on a piece by Dave Barry

 One of the most overlooked yet fascinating distinctions in the world is the difference between men and women. At first glance, it might seem like we’re quite similar—after all, we share the same basic anatomy. But once you dig a little deeper, you begin to notice that men and women think and feel in remarkably different ways. This story illustrates those differences so clearly that you’ll never forget it.

Imagine a guy named Fred who’s interested in a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie, and she says yes. They have a great time. A few days later, they go out to dinner and enjoy themselves again. They start seeing each other regularly, and before long, they’re no longer dating anyone else.

Then, one evening while driving home, Martha suddenly realizes something and says aloud, “Do you know that tonight marks exactly six months since we started seeing each other?”

Silence fills the car.

To Martha, the silence is deafening. She starts to worry: Is he upset that I mentioned it? Maybe he feels trapped in this relationship, or perhaps he thinks I’m pressuring him into something he’s not ready for.

Meanwhile, Fred is thinking: Wow, six months already.

Martha, now even more anxious, thinks: But wait, am I really sure I want this relationship to continue? Sometimes I wish I had more space to figure out what I truly want. Where is this going? Are we heading toward marriage? Children? A lifetime together? Am I ready for that? Do I even know this guy?

And Fred? He’s thinking: Let’s see, that means we started dating in February, right after I got the car serviced. I wonder if I’m due for an oil change.

Martha’s mind races: He’s upset. I can tell. Maybe he wants more from this relationship, more commitment, but he’s afraid I don’t feel the same way. Maybe he’s sensed my hesitation before I even realized it myself.

Fred is still lost in thought: I should have the transmission checked again. It’s not shifting smoothly, and I don’t care what those mechanics say—it’s definitely not the weather causing it. It’s 87 degrees outside, for crying out loud.

Martha, feeling increasingly guilty, thinks: He’s angry, and I can’t blame him. I’ve put him through so much, and I’m still not sure how I feel.

Fred, still thinking about his car, realizes: They’ll probably tell me the warranty’s expired. Those scumbags.

Martha, nearly in tears, thinks: Maybe I’m being unrealistic, waiting for a knight in shining armor when I’m sitting right next to a good man. A man who cares about me, and who I care about too. And now I’m hurting him with my silly, romantic fantasies.

Fred is now thinking: Warranty? I’ll show them a warranty…

“Fred,” Martha says softly.

“What?” Fred replies, startled.

“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” Martha says, her eyes filling with tears. “I never should have…I just feel so…” She breaks down, sobbing.

“What?” says Fred, completely bewildered.

“I’m such a fool,” Martha cries. “I know there’s no knight in shining armor. I know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

“No horse?” Fred echoes, confused.

“You must think I’m such an idiot,” Martha says.

“No!” Fred quickly replies, glad to finally know the right answer.

“I just need some time,” Martha says, her voice trembling.

Fred, thinking as fast as he can, comes up with what he hopes is a safe response. “Yes,” he says.

Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand. “Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?” she asks.

“What way?” Fred asks, bewildered.

“About time,” Martha says.

“Oh,” Fred replies. “Yes.” Martha turns to look at him, her eyes searching his, and Fred becomes increasingly nervous about what she might say next—especially if it involves a horse. Finally, she speaks.

“Thank you, Fred,” she says.

“Thank you,” Fred replies.

Fred takes Martha home, and while she lies in bed that night, a conflicted, tortured soul, crying until dawn, Fred gets back to his place, grabs a bag of Doritos, and settles in to watch a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges he’s never heard of. A small voice in the back of his mind tells him something significant happened in the car, but he’s pretty sure he’ll never figure out what, so he decides it’s best not to think about it.

The next day, Martha will call her closest friend, or maybe two, and they’ll talk about the situation for hours. They’ll analyze every word, every gesture, every nuance, considering all the possible meanings and implications. They’ll continue discussing it for weeks, maybe even months, without ever reaching a definite conclusion, but never losing interest.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and ask, “Hey, Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?”

And that, folks, is the difference between men and women.

More jokes for the fall

 1. Why don't scarecrows have brains? They're full of straw.

2. What do you call a scarecrow who's really good at his job? A scare-excellent.

3. Why did the pumpkin get a ticket? It was caught jack-o'-lantern-ing.

4. What do you call a pumpkin that's afraid of heights? A squash-afraid.

5. Why did the leaf change colours? It was feeling autumnal.

6. What's the difference between a scarecrow and a zombie? A scarecrow has a brain.

7. Why did the scarecrow love his job? He had a great outlook.

8. Why did the turkey go to the psychiatrist? He was feeling fowl.

9. What do you call a really small pumpkin? A mini-mellow.

10. Why did the scarecrow need a new job? He was too corny.

11. What do you call a pumpkin that's really shy? A gourd-geous.

12. Why did the scarecrow go to the doctor? He had a straw-berry in his teeth.

13. Why did the leaf love autumn? It was his favorite season.

14. What do you call a pumpkin that's really old? A vintage gourd.

15. Why did the scarecrow go to the dentist? He had a toothache.

16. What do you call a pumpkin that's really fast? A gourd-zilla.

17. Why did the scarecrow love his job? It was a real scare-tactic.

18. What do you call a pumpkin that's really sad? A gourd-geous mess.

19. Why did the scarecrow love his job? He had a great outlook on life.

If it goes wrong refer to

 Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: The moment your hands are covered in grease, that’s when your phone will ring.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool you drop will always roll to the farthest, most impossible-to-reach spot in the room.

Lowery's Law of Home Repair: If something is stuck, use force. If it breaks, well, it was bound to give out sooner or later.

Beach's Law: "Interchangeable" parts rarely are.

William's Law: There's no mechanical problem so tough that it can't be solved with a hammer and a complete disregard for instructions.

Lane's Law of Supply and Demand: The one item you need the most will always be out of stock.

Cannon's Karmic Law: If you ever use a made-up excuse to explain being late, the universe will make sure that excuse becomes reality the next day.

Norman Einstein's Law: If something ridiculous actually works, it’s no longer ridiculous.

Col. Murphy's Law of Combat: Always remember, your gear was probably supplied by the lowest bidder!

Age defing options are they for you?

So, here I am staring into the mirror, trying to convince myself that the man looking back at me is the same fresh-faced guy from my college days. And hey, why not? Who says only women get to indulge in a bit of vanity? These days, it’s not just acceptable for men to put effort into looking good—it’s practically a sport and I have several friends who engage in that sport! But while they might be tempted to chase that youthful glow, I think there is something to be said for embracing your age with a wink and a nod. After all, distinguished is the new young.

Wrinkle, Wrinkle, Little Star: Skin Treatments for the Modern Man

While I snap out of my funk about starting to look my age, I realize that there are many of my age, that don't want to be seen as being old. Sure, I am going to embrace my wrinkles as signs of wisdom and life well-lived.  Many are doing what over a million American men did back in 2005 and jump on the anti-aging bandwagon. That’s right—men are no strangers to the magic of skincare. If you’re looking to shave a few years off your face without resorting to anything too extreme (no one wants to look like they’ve had a permanent wind tunnel experience), here are some options that’ll keep you looking fresh-faced and fancy-free.

Microdermabrasion: The Skin’s Not-So-Secret Vacuum Cleaner

Let’s start with microdermabrasion, which is essentially like sending your face to a high-tech car wash. This procedure uses a vacuum suction device to remove those pesky dead skin cells that have been hanging around a little too long. Add a sprinkle of mild chemical crystals, and voilà! Your skin will look more even, fine lines might take a hike, and you’ll have a glow that screams, “I just woke up like this!”—even if it took 30 minutes and a tiny vacuum cleaner to get there.

Chemical Peels: Out with the Old, In with the Youthful

Next up, chemical peels—because who wouldn’t want to peel back the years, literally? These peels encourage your skin to shed its damaged outer layer, like a snake leaving behind an old skin. The result? Firmer, smoother skin that looks like it just got back from a relaxing tropical vacation. Sure, the light chemical peel will keep you coming back for more, but if you’re serious about looking fresh, a medium peel can keep the clock turned back for up to a year.

Light Skin Rejuvenation: Beam Me Up, Glowy

If you’re a fan of sci-fi, light-skin rejuvenation might be your thing. This treatment uses non-cutting laser beams to zap your skin into producing more collagen, the stuff that keeps you looking firm and youthful. It’s like telling your skin to go back to its younger days, minus the bad haircuts and questionable fashion choices. And the best part? No extreme aftercare is needed, so you can keep looking like the dashing gentleman you are without much effort.

Exercise: The Ultimate Youth Serum

Now, let’s not forget about the oldest trick in the book: regular exercise. It’s free, it’s effective, and it doesn’t involve lying on a table while someone with a mask and a scalpel hovers over you. According to the American Heart Association, a solid workout routine can help you build endurance, strength, and muscle, all while keeping you in fighting shape as the years go by. Plus, nothing says “I’m still in the game” like a fit physique. You might even find yourself catching a few extra glances at the gym—because who doesn’t love a man who takes care of himself?

Embrace the Distinguished Look (or Keep Chasing Youth—It’s Your Call!)

At the end of the day, whether you’re all about keeping that youthful glow or you’re ready to embrace the silver fox within, the choice is yours. Just remember: aging is inevitable, but looking great while doing it is totally optional. And who knows? You might just find that a little laughter at yourself and a lot of confidence in your age are the best age-defying tricks of all.