Important info on shampoo

I have just discovered this important information below. Please share with all your friends.

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner.  It's the shampoo I use in the shower! 

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body. Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No WONDER I have been gaining weight! 

Well, I have got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dish Washing Liquid instead.

It's label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE." 

Problem solved!

Here is old age humour at its best

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something..

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and—lo and behold!--there sat Russ!  Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the  coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I  pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.

Paraprosdokians

I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition:"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

Ok, so now enjoy!

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Words of Wisdom

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

Short and to the point!!

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand.

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED. I beg to differ because, there is :

When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE".

And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... "COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!!

Banned from Sainsbury's

Sainsbury's is a British grocery store chain for those who are not familiar with the name.

Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.   What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired, and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.   I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.   The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)   Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.   I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he waslaughing so hard. I'm now banned from Sainsbury's. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Happy Halloween

The Pope and Harper are on the same stage in Rogers Arena in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Harper and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Harper replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

glorious insults with some humour

Thanks to Gale for these:

These  are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it"

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the  gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies  or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with  great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to  the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time  reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I  approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring  a friend.... if you have one."

- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there  is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."  - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on  it?"- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support  rather than illumination."

- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.But this wasn't it."- Groucho Marx