Top Regrets 7 - 10

 I have talked about the book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Australian author Bronnie Ware is an Australian author. For several years, Bronnie sat by the bedsides of dying people. The conversations shared were personal, life-changing, and enormously insightful.

NUMBER 7:

I wish I had children.

As people age, they often feel lonely and long for the company of their sons and daughters. Those who never had children often have regrets about having no one to comfort them or inherit their legacy.

With today’s modern thinking, kids may be viewed as inconveniences or hindrances to pursuing your goals. But keep in mind that your children will be the ones to show you love when you are old. They will also be the ones to whom you will entrust everything you’ve worked hard for after you’re gone.

Maybe that ship has sailed, but who can you become a father or mother figure to that would be meaningful for both of you?

What steps can you take right now to begin to make a difference in someone’s life?

NUMBER 8:

I should have saved more money for my retirement.

Failing to plan for the retirement years leaves people destitute in their old age. When that happens, their last moments on earth can be challenging and miserable.

While you are young, you might not yet grasp the reality of retirement, but it’s essential to plan for yourself. Be careful not to spend too much on things you think you need now; think about providing a comfortable life for yourself in the future.

Questions:

·        What can you do today to help shore up your retirement savings?

·        What step can you take today to get you started down that path?

NUMBER 9:

Not having the courage to live truthfully.

Looking back, people would wonder whether things would have been better if they were truly honest about who they were.

They think about the distress they caused themselves and others by pretending to be someone they’re not. You will naturally have concerns about whether people would reject you or accept you if you came clean; you might find it easier to compromise yourself just to be liked or loved. If you don’t yet dare to be truthful to others, you can start being honest to yourself.

Who are you at your core, and what perception have you put out into the world that isn’t your true self?

What steps or actions can you take today to rectify that situation and live authentically?

NUMBER 10:

Happiness is always a choice.

People rarely realize that they can choose to be happy. It’s so easy to play the victim of circumstance and prevent yourself from moving on in your life. You tend to settle for mediocrity because it’s familiar; you pretend to be content because you’re too afraid to explore.

Choose to have a happy life. Be unafraid of change, and don’t worry about what others think of you. Instead, learn to relax and appreciate the good things.

Life is what you make it. Don’t allow yourself to be plagued by regrets. A well-lived life begins today. What can you do today to choose happiness and make that a proactive choice moving forward?

Question:

·   What areas in your life have you played the “victim,” and how can you rectify that now?

Top regrets 4 -6

I have talked about the book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Australian author Bronnie Ware is an Australian author. For several years, Bronnie sat by the bedsides of dying people. The conversations shared were personal, life-changing, and enormously insightful.

Others have expanded on her work by interviewing patients in palliative care units and nursing homes who are seeing their last days on earth to share their regrets in life. Their answers were memorable and worth considering as you retire

NUMBER 4:

I should have said I Love You a lot more.

The importance of love becomes more pronounced toward the end of life. At this time, unreturned love will also be more painful.

It can be hard to tell someone that you love them, especially if you fear rejection. But not expressing those feelings will leave an unsettled need in you and possibly affect all future relationships. If you are afraid of getting hurt, remember that it’s better to make your love known than to spend the rest of your life dwelling on what could have been.

Question:

·   Who are the people you wish you had said “I Love You” more frequently?o   Why don’t you pick up the phone, send a text or an email and let them know how you truly feel about them?

NUMBER 5:

I should have spoken my mind more instead of holding back and resenting things.

Many people choose not to confront those who offend them, thinking that this would keep things civil. In truth, suppressing anger breeds bitterness, which leads to various diseases. Harbouring bitterness also makes you emotionally crippled and prevents you from fulfilling your true potential.

If you want to have healthy relationships, honesty and confrontation are necessary. The common misconception about conflict is that it creates division. In reality, if it’s done kindly and constructively, confrontation deepens mutual respect and understanding.

Question:

·    What are two or three things you didn’t speak your mind about that you now resent?

·    What are the first steps you can take today to rectify that situation?

NUMBER 6:

I should have been the bigger person and resolved my conflicts.

Many times, death beds and funerals are more miserable because of broken relation- ships that were never restored. Likewise, relationships are ruined when misunderstandings are not dealt with immediately, resulting in a lifetime of hostility.

Conflicts are a part of life; you can’t avoid them, but you should never let your anger last for more than a day. Choose to forgive. Right the wrongs that you can, while you can.

Questions

·   What are the outstanding conflicts from your past that have not been resolved?

·   Why don’t you be the bigger person and right the wrongs from your past while you still can?

Top regrets 1-3

I have talked about the book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Australian author Bronnie Ware is an Australian author. For several years, Bronnie sat by the bedsides of dying people. The conversations shared were personal, life-changing, and enormously insightful.

Others have expanded on her work by interviewing patients in palliative care units and nursing homes who are seeing their last days on earth to share their regrets in life. Their answers were memorable and worth considering as you retire-

NUMBER 1:

People’s number one regret on their death beds is that they were never brave enough to pursue their dreams but settled for what others expected of them. When they look back at their lives, they tend to recall their unmet goals and aspirations. They are often haunted by decisions that resulted in the lives they ended up with, which were for some not the life they wanted.

If you retire at the average age of retirement for your country, you still may have 25 to 35 years of life before you. I have said many times, retirement is not a destination it is a journey. Make some goals and start working toward your goals now; don’t keep putting things off until it’s too late. Questions:

·        What are 2 or 3 of your dreams that haven’t been fulfilled yet?

o   Write them down and then write down what are the steps you can take today to get you on the path to making those dreams a reality?

NUMBER 2:

I worked too much and never made time for my family.

Excessive dedication to work may have caused us to spend less time with loved ones. We cannot change the past, as we worked hard to provide for our family we missed out on our children’s lives because we spent their best years pursuing careers and making money. If you are still working, it might do you good to determine what is essential. Then, do away with unnecessary expenses and things that only crowd your life, and this might make room for improved relationships and better lifestyle choices. If you are retired, think about how you can make up for the time lost. Questions:

·        What are some of the ways you can apologize to those you love for devoting too much time to work?

·        How can you make more time for those you love over the next week, month, and years?

NUMBER 3:

I should have made more time for my friends.

When health and youth have faded, people realize what is truly valuable they find that all their income and achievements amount to nothing in the end. What matters in those last few moments are the people who are dear to them. At that time, they tend to miss their friends.

It’s so easy to get lost in the daily grind that you forget to take care of your relationships. If you don’t intentionally stay in touch, you may lose contact with your friends through the years.

Questions:

·   Who are the friends you wish you had made more time for?

·   Why don’t you reach out to them now? 

        It’s never too late to rekindle a friendship from the past.

A single person is missing for you

“A single person is missing for you and the whole world is empty. But one no longer has the right to say so aloud.” Phillipe Aries, (French medievalist and historian), Western Attitudes toward Death: From the Middle Ages to the Present, published in 1975

As I age I probably think about death more than my younger friends. I am nearer the end of my life than the beginning and I know this. It is interesting how over the years our society has changed in our attitudes toward death. In North America, death like sex is a taboo subject. We do not talk about death in polite society, just as we don’t talk about sex in polite society. We couch our talk of death by talking about longevity. Today my friends and I talked about how a 70-year-old today is as healthy as a 56 year off in the 1950’s. We also talked of all those Canadians who were reaching 100. We focused on longevity in our conversation. 

We talked about average life span and wondered at the fact that as a society people are living longer today than fifty years ago. Fifty years ago, a Canadian who lived to 100 was a news item and the recipient of a letter from the Queen. Today Canada has about 6,000 centenarians and their number increases by roughly 1,000 a year. They still get the letter from the Queen, but someone has to let the Queen know, so a form letter can be sent.

Our conversation touched on death, as some friends had died, and we thought about the fact that when an older person dies, it is part of life, but when a child dies it is a tragedy. How times change. A century ago, the death of a child was an expected part of family life; today we are appalled and outraged when it happens. Fifty years ago, suicide was universally abhorred and treated as a crime, if not a sin. Today the right to die, which means suicide for a good reason, is legal in several countries and some American states; it is now a part of Canadian life.

My friends and I say we don’t fear death.  But I am not sure that is true for me. To quote Robert Frost, “But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep” and I hope that when my time comes, I will still be looking for the next promise to keep. Our time in history is worldly, which means that it’s relatively easy to consider dying simply as the last page in our life story. Ideally, we would like death to visit us while we sleep, or when we are in a relaxed mood.

But dying can be horrible. My mother took a year to die and I watched her fade away. I don’t fear death but I want it to stay away for a long time. I’m however terrified of painful and boring months (or even years) in palliative care and watching those who love me watch me fade. I wonder will joy and wonder disappear, as another version of my life endures. My mother lost her ability to talk. I wonder what I would do if I could not exchange words with anyone? What if I can’t read? What if I can’t write? What if I can’t watch my grandson grow, and laugh with him? Will I truly be alive? But even then, I would not hasten death to my door although there are some who would do this. As the old joke goes, I don't want to die screaming as my aunt did, I want to die in my sleep as my uncle did when he was driving down them down the highway.

However, in our society where we don’t talk about death, jokes about dying are seen as offensive by some, dying people are often abandoned psychologically by family, friends and doctors. Compassion, honesty and reassurance can help the seriously ill adapt to the approach of death. Research shows that psychological distress diminishes if the person who is dying is not alone and is able to express feelings and concerns to those who care, and who will listen. Our society takes great stock, in putting a person who is dying into care, Palliative Care or hospital care. This allows those who are friends of the person dying to prepare for Bereavement but does little to help the dying face their own death. Bereavement is now perceived as a normal psychological and physiological reaction to death. 

We grieve for those who die. Grief is characterised as somatic distress, guilt, hostility, change in patterns of conduct. In our society individuals, after the initial shock, are typically left to grieve alone.  There are five stages of grief that a person might go through, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

When a person dies, they are mourned by those who love them, but when they are dying there is no time them and their dying.  Our fear of death and the hope that we will live and enjoy our lives with interest and joy make it hard for some to be around those who are dying.

When a person dies, their passing becomes a community event, a celebration of life. Family members friends, and acquaintances band together with each other to share the moments of sorrow. This helps all, as we can share our emotions and be there for each other at a stressful time. A celebration of life is a good reason for being together and for an afternoon or a day we share our sorrow. 

However, in the days after the celebration of life, the closest to the deceased, still face the fact that for them, a single person is missing and their whole world appears to be empty. Take time with those who grieve, so that they know they don't need permission but have the right to say they miss their loved one aloud.

Biggest regrets?

We are always getting ready to live but never living.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Australian palliative care nurse, Bronnie Ware, put together a list of the most common regrets people approaching death expressed, it went viral. But surprisingly, not because her article was so incredibly profound.

Quite the opposite really, as it was the simplicity that struck a chord with most people. What the article stated was that it’s the small things in life that matter; but often the things our pride, ego or desire to please others gets in the way of.

So after reading it and being reminded of what really counts, I wanted to share her findings with you too…

1. “I wished I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
Sometimes the easier path to take is to breeze through life, as it takes serious soul searching to work out what’s going to make you happy. Not to mention the courage to pursue it – especially if it means disappointing your family, partner or society’s expectation of you.

But it’s your life. Only you confront the reflection in the mirror each morning – so it’s worth making sure you’re happy with what you see.

(And just a reminder, if you’re not, it’s never too late to make a positive change.)

2. “I wish I did not work so hard.”
Life regrets by those approaching death

This one is especially true if you have a family.

Being a provider for someone else is a big responsibility. Wanting to have a nice house, a car, medical insurance and the option to send your kids to a good school are perfectly understandable goals.

But there needs to be a balance in this equation.

If you need to work 80 hours a week only to slump in a heap on the couch on your only day off – the fancy new car isn’t going to mean anything to your attention-starved kids.

Or if you don’t have a family, continuously working to the grind and never making time to pursue some of your other dreams – such as travel, adventure sports or falling in love – is going to leave you with a heavy heart at the end of it all.

Work isn't everything. So don’t let it be the only thing that defines who you are.

3. “I wish I had the courage to express my feelings.”
Why would you deny yourself of such a powerful expression?

As Buddha said:

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of harming another; you end up getting burned.”

So by holding onto anger and resentment, or not letting more heartfelt statements such as “I forgive you” leave your lips – you’re only harming yourself. Not to mention messing up your inner peace… as it’s hard to be happy when you’re enshrouded by negativity!

Don’t miss a chance to let those you care about know how you feel – as you never know when that chance may be taken away from you.

4. “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”
For most of us, over a lifetime, the number of sincere friendships that have had a significant impact on our lives probably won’t equate to double digits.

You know the kind I mean. The type who become like family. The ones who are always a steady rock during life’s ups and downs  – and who aren’t afraid to confront you when you’re acting out of line!

Make an effort to stay in touch with these friends.

Don’t let petty differences or life get in the way of the people who have valued you the most.

Life regrets by those approaching death

5) “I wish I had let myself be happier.”
I think on a whole, society gets happiness wrong.

It’s not the result of having waited for the right job, partner or a fat bank account to materialize.

It’s a choice. And it’s a conscious one you have to make every day. Are you going to choose to be happy, or are you going to let your happiness be washed away by the events of the day?

There are always going to be reasons to be annoyed, disappointed or angry about something.

But that’s life.

Once you realize this, and decide to choose happiness, you’ll notice it improves tenfold.

Pretty powerful!