Transitions to retirement or anything new 2

William Bridges wrote a very personal account of his own transition during and after his wife’s battle with, and eventual death from, breast cancer. The Way of Transition is the book. In the book, Bridges helps us to understand transition as so much more than simply a change from one state to another. He explains that transition has three parts, only one of which is the liminal space. The three parts, which Bridges says overlap rather than occur sequentially, are:

1.   Making an Ending

This involves more than just leaving your job, or waving bye to the kids as they move out of your house. A good ending requires that you let go not only of what you used to do but of who you used to be. For example, I retired and then immediately start working as a substitute teacher, my rationale was that I still wanted to teach and I thought a bit of extra money and an opportunity to continue to work with colleagues and students, would be helpful. But the real reason was that I still identified myself as a teacher. It took me another 8 years before I realized that I needed to end my role as a teacher and find a new role. Without an ending, there is no new beginning and no possibility of transition.

2.               Inhabiting the Neutral Zone

Danaan Pary describes it as letting go of one trapeze bar and grabbing the next one. “But every once in a while, as I'm merrily (or even not-so-merrily) swinging along, I look out ahead of me into the distance and what do I see? I see another trapeze bar swinging toward me. It's empty and I know, in that place in me that knows, that this new trapeze bar has my name on it. It is my next step, my growth, my aliveness coming to get me. In my heart of hearts, I know that, for me to grow, I must release my grip on this present, well-known bar and move to the new one.

Each time it happens to me I hope (no, I pray) that I won't have to let go of my old bar completely before I grab the new one. But in my knowing place, I know that I must totally release my grasp on my old bar and, for some moment in time, I must hurtle across space before I can grab onto the new bar.”

William Bridges speaks of this time, as a time of chaos, as “that state of pure energy that is experienced either as a jumble or a time of empty nothingness [that] makes us feel out of control and a little crazy.”

3.               Making a New Beginning

When beginnings come after a definite ending, and time hanging out in the liminal space, those beginnings have great power. Bridges assure us that they are “marked by a release of new energy in a new direction–they are the expression of a new identity.”

Every new beginning confirms that the ending we experienced was real. We will feel a sense of the original loss. And we may worry that this won’t be the right new beginning for us, or that we might fail.

How to Survive and Thrive in a Liminal Space

Liminal Spaces require that we be willing to live with the ambiguity of not knowing what’s next. That’s an incredibly uncomfortable, anxiety-provoking place for many of us.

While waiting is the primary task of the neutral zone, there are a few things you can do while you wait.

·       Schedule a new experience at least once a week. Ideas could be everything from wandering through a toy store to taking a guided walking tour of your own town.

·       Pay attention to meaningful coincidences, or what Carl Jung referred to as synchronicity. They often serve as arrows pointing the way to your next step.

·       Access your creativity in whatever form works for you. You might plant a garden, paint a picture, or write a poem. Creative acts are both soothing and supportive of self-understanding.

·       Meditate.  Meditation is enormously helpful in managing anxiety and getting us used to wait peacefully.

 “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” Joseph Campbell

Transitions to retirement or anything new 1

We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore. Anonymous     

I had not heard the term liminal space until a few days ago and I was enchanted by the concept. The word liminal comes from the Latin word limen, meaning threshold, any point or place of entering or beginning. A liminal space is not just the physical space between one place and the next it is also the time between the ‘what was’ and the ‘what will be our next.’ Liminal space for some is a place of transition, waiting, and most importantly, in my mind, not knowing.

Author and theologian Richard Rohr described this space as:

“where we are betwixt and between the familiar and the completely unknown. There alone is our old world left behind, while we are not yet sure of the new existence. That’s a good space where genuine newness can begin. Get there often and stay as long as you can by whatever means possible…This is the sacred space where the old world is able to fall apart, and a bigger world is revealed. If we don’t encounter liminal space in our lives, we start idealizing normalcy”.

Have you ever been in a physical liminal space? I have, and so have you I suspect. Every time I go to present a workshop to a new group, I stand at the door, just before crossing that threshold not knowing what to expect. The scariest physical liminal space I remember standing in was the room my wife had just entered to give birth to my daughter. I stood on the threshold and was afraid of going in, but I knew I had to enter to start our new adventure. Maybe you are more familiar with the emotional liminal space that you have encountered? Some of these could have been at the moment of transition from:

·       one home to another

·       married to divorced

·       employed to fired or retired

·       with children coming home to an empty-nester

·       the end of one decade to the start of another (i.e., age 59 to 60)

·       a loved one in your life is gone from your life through death

Each of these finds us where Rohr said, “where we are betwixt and between the familiar and the completely unknown”. It is a scary and lonely place to be. As a result, most of us will avoid making a transition if we don’t know what is coming next. We stay in a lousy marriage, we wait a few more years before moving, or we postpone our retirement date until we have amassed more money, sense or our health forces us to retire. Many of us will try to get through this time as quickly as possible. We will land on what next so we can feel comfortable.

Planning a get together for a person with dementia, some tips

I have a friend who has been diagnosed with Vascular Dementia and so as his illness gets worth, I and his friends are finding out all we can to help him. One of the ways is to have a get together to create wonderful traditions and lasting memories. How can you make these get-togethers more inclusive and successful when someone has dementia? Follow these tips offered by Dr. Heather Palmer, National Director of Cognitive Well-Being at Amica, where team members support residents as well as their families.

Pick a good time of day

People with cognitive impairments such as dementia have peak times when they’re most alert. Pay attention to when the person is at their best. If the person has more focus during the day, you might try hosting a birthday lunch instead of dinner. They’re more likely to be engaged, better able to cope and less likely to be tired or show behaviours.

This way, you get to spend time with them when they are happy and laughing rather than agitated and frustrated. Consider the impact of medications on mood or energy level and plan accordingly.

Consider the space

Laughter, conversation and music are signs of a great party, but these and other sounds can be very distracting to someone with dementia. If the gathering space is large and it’s too much for them, plan on having a second, quieter room where they can sit while a few people go in at a time to engage with them. Be prepared to move furniture or people around if the noise bothers him.

Keep the family informed

Designate one family member to take the lead on monitoring your loved one at the party. You might consider establishing signals if the person starts to get agitated: One person takes the lead and if, for example, they raise a hand, it means the kids are too chaotic and it’s time to move them. If the lead person suggests someone go for a walk, they’re trying to redirect a conversation that they may see is upsetting. Let everyone know that the lead family member isn’t bossing people around, they’re trying to make the event pleasant for everyone.

Practice good communication

Plan ahead: bring conversation topics, old stories and mementos that may help them reminisce, such as photographs, books, hobbies, etc. Visuals are great to support your questions and stories, but resist the temptation to ask, “Do you remember this…?”

In conversation, try to simplify your language, wait for a response and don’t hesitate to repeat a question. Through conversation and photos, see if you can reveal where your loved one sees herself in time. If your friend believes she’s 19 and getting ready for a date, agree with her and run with it. “Living in their moment is important, correcting their mistakes can impact their dignity, make them lose confidence in the interaction and lead to social retreat.

At the end of life

Neurologists say Dementia should be called "failure of the brain," because the other names are nebulous and do not show the severity of the disease to most people. As the patient's brain slowly dies, they change physically, lose the ability to speak, and the caregivers are often in shock and exhausted.

Patients will end up bedridden, unable to move, and unable to eat or drink. But it is the different phases beforehand that are just as painful. The day they suddenly forget how to dress, and become confused or combative when you try to fix the clothing, they've put on backwards. When they repeatedly ask where their life-long mate is or where their children are while looking straight at them. When they are confused, angry, or frightened, it is because they are still partially aware of who they were, yet are that person no longer.

There will be people who will not read this because dementia has not touched them. They do not know what it is to fight or to have a loved who leads a battle against dementia. For all the men and women l know, who have lived a battle against dementia, are still struggling, or have lost the battle please remember that dementia and Alzheimer ‘s as yet has no cure, but the hope is that day will come sooner than later.