The Questions We Should Ask Instead

 Most of us avoid talking about grief because we are afraid of saying the wrong thing. So, we say nothing. Or worse, we offer cheerful platitudes that land like salt on a wound.

“He’s in a better place.”
“At least you had so many years.”
“You’re so strong.”

None of those help. What helps is honest, quiet presence.

Here are a few questions that actually open the door,  without demanding the person perform their pain for you:

• “What part of your day feels hardest right now?”
• “Would you like to tell me something about them? Anything at all.”
• “I don’t know what to say, but I want to be here. Is that okay?”
• “What would feel helpful today – company, a task, or just silence?”

And if you are the one grieving, you are allowed to tell people what you need. “I don’t feel like talking. But I’d love you to sit here while I have tea.” Or: “Actually, could you help me with the garden? I need my hands busy.”

The goal is not to fix. The goal is to walk alongside.

Let’s Stop Treating Grief Like a Problem to Solve

We talk about death as if it’s a medical event. Then we talk about “moving on” as if grief is a suitcase we should unpack quickly and put away.

But losing a partner after forty, fifty, or sixty years together is not a problem to be fixed. It is a landscape to be learned.

One woman put it this way: “The loneliness isn’t just about missing one person. It’s about finding yourself on the outside of a world that assumed you’d always be paired up.”

That is the part no one prepares you for. The empty side of the bed. The table set for two. The conversation that only the two of you understood.

So here is the first thing that helps: Change the way you talk about grief. Don’t ask “Are you over it yet?” Ask “What does today feel like?” Don’t say “You need to get out more.” Say “I’ll come sit with you, even if you don’t want to talk.”

Grief in the second half of life deserves the same patience we give to a broken bone. It heals, but never exactly the same. And that is allowed.

Summer is Here. Hunger Did Not Take a Vacation.

It is Canada Day, The barbecue is firing up. The kids are out of school. The garden is starting to produce. Summer is finally here, and for most of us, that means more time with family, more good food, and more reasons to smile.

But here is something easy to forget when our own plates are full.

For too many families in Port Coquitlam and other communities across Canada and the United States, summer is not a break from hunger. It is when hunger gets harder.

Why? Because school meal programs stop. Because summer jobs for parents do not always cover the bills. Because the cost of feeding kids at home all day adds up fast. Because the food bank sees donations drop just when demand stays high.

Everyone is thinking about vacations and long weekends. No one is thinking about the empty cupboard.

That is where you come in.

The food bank can turn every dollar into three or four dollars worth of food. They know what is needed. They have buying power you do not. A $20 donation buys more than $20 worth of groceries at the store. It is the most efficient way to help.

If you prefer to donate food, summer needs are different.

In the summer, the food bank needs (this list is generic, please check with your own food bank before you donate food:

·         Canned meat (tuna, chicken, ham)

·         Canned fruit (packed in juice, not syrup)

·         Canned vegetables (low sodium)

·         Peanut butter

·         Whole grain pasta and sauce

·         Rice (small bags)

·         Hearty soups and stews

·         Shelf-stable milk

·         Baby formula and baby food

·         Cereal (low sugar)

·         Granola bars and snack packs (great for kids at home all day)

Please avoid: Glass jars (they break), expired items (they cannot use them), and perishable food (they have limited refrigeration).

July, and August are months when we focus on our own families. That is natural. That is good. But hunger does not take a holiday.

If you have a little extra this summer, even a few dollars or a few cans, please drop it off at the food bank. Or leave it in a collection bin at your local grocery store. Or donate online.

Every bit helps. Every bit matters.

Because no one should wonder where their next meal is coming from. Not in winter. Not in summer. Not ever.

Thank you for remembering.

It's Not Too Late to Take Control (And You Are Not Alone)

 For Women in Their 50s, 60s, and Beyond

You have spent decades managing everything for everyone else. The household finances. The kids' education. Maybe caring for aging parents. You have been so focused on everyone else's future that your own financial planning got pushed to the back burner. And now, as retirement approaches, you may be feeling a knot of anxiety.

Here is what you need to hear: You are not alone, and it is not too late.

The statistics can be frightening. Women retire with an average of 28% less savings than men. They are more likely to live in poverty during retirement. But those numbers do not have to be your story. The financial industry is finally waking up to the fact that women need and deserve a different kind of conversation, one that starts with your life, not with a product.

Here is what the experts want you to know:

Confidence is the secret ingredient.

It turns out that confidence matters more than knowledge. Highly confident savers put away 64% more of their income than their less confident peers. Knowledge alone only boosted savings by 12%. The takeaway? You likely know more than you give yourself credit for. Start acting like it.

You have powerful "catch-up" tools available to you.

If you are 50 or older, you can make additional "catch-up" contributions to your registered accounts. Use them. Max out your TFSA first if your income is modest (withdrawals don't count as income and won't claw back your government benefits). Then focus on your RRSP. Every dollar you put in now is a dollar that will work for you in retirement.

Women are expected to hold the majority of wealth in the coming years.

Financial advisors are beginning to understand that women have unique needs when it comes to retirement planning, including a need for guaranteed income that isn't subject to market swings. You deserve an advisor who understands that your priority is not beating the market, it is never running out of money.

It's never too late to get good advice.

Many women in your age group have never worked with a financial advisor. Or they have, but they felt talked down to or ignored. But when women do find the right advisor, one who respects them, speaks plainly, and takes their life goals seriously, their participation in investing more than doubles. It is worth the effort to find a good fit.

So, what can you do today? Gather your statements and get a clear picture of what you have and what you owe. If you are still working, increase your retirement contributions, even by 1%, it adds up. If you are retired or close to it, work with an advisor to create a sustainable withdrawal plan so you don't outlive your money.

Most importantly, stop letting the "I should have started earlier" voice paralyze you. You did the best you could with what you knew. Now you know more. And there is still time to make a difference.

The system is learning to talk to you. But you don't need to wait for it to be perfect. Start the conversation today, with an advisor, with a friend, or simply with yourself. Your future self will thank you.