The Games That Taught Me How to Live

 In 1969 a singer named Joe  South had a hit song called “The Games People Play” I heard it on the radio, and it got me thinking about the games I used to play.

When I was young, I played a lot of games.

I played softball and football. I played Scrabble, checkers and chess. Some were games of speed and strength. Others required patience, strategy and the ability to sit quietly and think while your opponent was trying to figure out what you were thinking.

I played most of them pretty well.

Looking back, I realize that I was learning much more than how to hit a ball, throw a pass or put the right letter on a triple-word score. I was learning how to deal with life. That may sound like a stretch, but think about what happens when you play a game.

You don't always win.

Sometimes the ball takes a bad bounce. Sometimes your opponent makes a move you didn't expect. Sometimes you make a spectacularly stupid decision and spend the next few minutes wondering what on earth you were thinking.

And then you have a choice.

You can complain about the bounce, blame the umpire, argue with your opponent or simply walk away.

Or you can get on with the game.

Life has a habit of doing much the same thing.

We make our plans. We think we know where we are going. Then something happens. A job disappears. A marriage ends. Someone we love becomes ill. A friend dies. Retirement arrives and suddenly the identity we carried for forty years is no longer part of our daily routine.

The ball takes a bad bounce.

What matters then is not that the bounce was unfair. Sometimes it was. What matters is what we do with the next play.

I think that is one of the great gifts of games. They give us a safe place to practise being human.

Softball taught me that you can't spend the whole game worrying about the last error. Football taught me that sometimes you have to move forward while people are trying to stop you, and that you will have people to help you move forward. Scrabble taught me that a small advantage can become a big one if you know how to use it. Checkers taught me to think ahead. Chess taught me that every move has consequences, and that sometimes the move you make today won't reveal its importance until much later.

Those lessons have stayed with me.

We are shaped by what happens to us, including the difficult things. The poet and philosopher David Whyte has written about how suffering can become part of the making of a person. I like the idea that the things that harrow us can also help us mature.

Even the word "harrow" has an interesting history. It is connected to the idea of preparing the soil. Before a field can produce a harvest, the earth must be broken up and worked.

Perhaps people are not so different.

Life occasionally breaks up the comfortable soil of our existence. We experience loss, disappointment, failure and uncertainty. None of us would volunteer for most of these experiences. Yet somehow, over time, we can use them to grow.

That doesn't mean suffering is good. It isn't.

It means we have the remarkable human ability to decide what we will do with what has happened to us.

And perhaps that is where hope enters the picture.

Hope is a strange thing. We continue to hope even when experience tells us that things may not work out. We plant gardens knowing winter will come. We make plans knowing they may change. We fall in love knowing that one day someone will have to say goodbye.

John Steinbeck described hope as a kind of tragic miracle of consciousness. It is miraculous because we continue to imagine what might be possible, and tragic because the world doesn't always cooperate with our hopes.

But we keep playing.

That may be one of the defining characteristics of being human.

We lose a game and come back tomorrow.

We fail and try again.

We grieve and eventually discover that we can laugh again.

We retire and discover that although one chapter has ended, there are still pages left to write.

The games of my childhood didn't prepare me for every twist and turn of life. Nothing could.

But they taught me something important: you cannot control everything that happens during the game. You can control how you respond to it.

Sometimes you win.

Sometimes you lose.

Sometimes you make a brilliant move. Sometimes you wonder what possessed you.

But the game continues.

And perhaps the real lesson of all those games is this:

Don't spend your life standing on the sidelines complaining about the score.

Get back in the game.

Music Has a Way of Sneaking Past Dementia

 There is something almost magical about music.

We don't fully understand why, but time and again researchers have found that music can reach people living with dementia in ways that conversation often can't. A familiar song can calm anxiety, lift a person's mood, reduce agitation, and, for a few precious moments, reconnect them with the people they love.

That's one of the reasons we offer our monthly Music Café for caregivers and people living with dementia. We've seen the smiles, the tapping feet, the singing, and sometimes even the conversations that follow a favourite song.

The research backs up what families have been noticing for years. Study after study has shown that music is one of the most effective non-drug approaches for reducing agitation and distress in people living with dementia. Other research has found that listening to personally meaningful music can stimulate parts of the brain that remain relatively untouched by Alzheimer's disease.

The key isn't just any music.

It's their music.

Researchers at the University of Utah found that songs connected to important life events light up parts of the brain that hold on the longest. One researcher described music as "an anchor" that helps ground a person back in their world. Another study found that nursing home residents who listened to personalized playlists often needed fewer antipsychotic medications.

Think about the music that mattered when your loved one was between the ages of 10 and 25. Those are often the songs that stay with us for life.

Creating a playlist doesn't take much time, and it could become one of the greatest gifts you give someone. Build it free. Any streaming app, 20 to 30 songs. Or try m4dradio.com, ( a Britishi free 24/7 station sorted by birth decade). Incredible resources right there.

Start by figuring out the years that shaped their musical memories. If they were born in 1946, look for songs from about 1956 to 1971.

Then become a musical detective. Ask brothers, sisters, old friends, or family members about wedding songs, favourite singers, church hymns, dances, or music that was always playing in the house. You can even ask simple questions like, "Were you an Elvis fan or did you prefer Sinatra?" You may be surprised by the smile that appears.

Build a playlist with 20 or 30 songs using your favourite streaming service, or explore one of the many free online stations that play music by decade.

When it's time to listen, choose a quiet moment. Comfortable headphones often work well, but speakers are fine if they're preferred. Watch for a tapping foot, a smile, or someone quietly singing along.

And here's one little suggestion that can make a big difference.

Instead of asking, "Do you remember this song?" simply ask, "Do you like this one?" There's no memory test to pass. Just enjoy the moment together.

This isn't a cure. The door may only open for a few minutes. But those minutes can be priceless.

A friend once told me that the song that always brought him back was "Viva Las Vegas." People joke that Elvis has left the building, but for three wonderful minutes, Elvis brought my friend right back into it.

The next time you visit someone living with dementia, don't worry about finding the perfect words.

Bring the music instead.

You may discover that the song says everything that needs to be said, except "Two cell towers got married. The ceremony wasn’t great, but the reception was perfect."

Retirement a road to discovery

I have written about preparing for retirement since 2010, and I have spent considerable time exploring the emotional adjustment that comes with this major life transition. When we retire, many of us leave behind an identity that has been shaped by our work, our responsibilities, and the roles we have proudly carried for decades. The challenge, and the opportunity, is discovering who we want to become in this next chapter. When I retired, I gave it about 10 minutes of consideration. My wife had decided to retire after a two-year medical issue. Once she was fully recovered, she decided to retire. She told me, I thought it would be a good idea, so I wrote my retirement letter and gave it to HR on the same day. I still had five years to go before I was eligible for full retirement. So, I did not think about, longevity, money, or who I wanted to become in the next chapter. Four years later, I realized that I had missed some important conversations with myself, I started to have them. I started this blog for many reasons, and one is to encourage others to have these important conversations before they retire. Don’t make my mistakes.

The experts spend so much time asking whether we have saved enough money for retirement that we are rarely asked whether we have prepared ourselves for the person we are about to become. I believe that is the conversation we need to start having.

This chapter of life is not defined by decline. It is defined by possibility. Retirement is the first time many of us have the freedom to separate who we are from what we did. That freedom can feel unsettling at first. After years of schedules, deadlines, and responsibilities, having unlimited choices can almost feel overwhelming. But uncertainty is often the beginning of transformation, not a sign that something has gone wrong.

The most meaningful preparation for the years ahead will not be found only in another financial projection or retirement calculator. It will come from asking ourselves deeper questions:

What brings me joy now that I have more time?

What interests or dreams have I postponed?

How do I want to contribute and make a difference?

What relationships do I want to strengthen?

What new experiences do I want to explore?

The conversation about retirement needs to move beyond "Can I afford to retire?" and include "How do I want to live when I retire?"

We don’t simply retire from the lives we’ve built. If we are willing to be curious, embrace change, and redefine success on our own terms, we have the opportunity to finally meet the person we have been waiting to become.

Many of us avoid retirement conversations because they think they need to have all the answers. Instead, encourage curiosity.

A few conversation starters:

For couples:

• "When we retire, what do we hope our days will look like?"
• "What are three things we want more time for?"
• "What parts of our current routine will we miss?"
• "How will we create purpose when work is no longer filling our calendar?"

For friends approaching retirement:

• "What are you looking forward to most?"
• "What is something you've always wanted to try?"
• "How do you want people to describe this next chapter of your life?"
• "What do you want retirement to give you that working life couldn't?"

For individuals:

• "Beyond financial security, what does a successful retirement look like for me?"
• "What parts of myself have I neglected while building my career?"
• "What legacy do I want to continue creating?"

Once method of preparing for retirement is to take a "retirement rehearsal." Before leaving work, take a few weeks or months and experiment: volunteer somewhere, take a class, reconnect with friends, explore a hobby, or change your daily routine. Retirement should not be a cliff we step off, it should be a bridge we begin building before we cross it.

The real question is not "What am I retiring from?" but "What am I retiring to?" Ask the questions befoe you retire, you will save time. It took me six years of an interesting journey before I felt I had found what I needed. 

 

Happy October! Don't forget the Foodbank!

 May your coffee stay hot, your pumpkin pie have extra whipped cream, your golf ball avoid the leaves, and your laughter echo louder than any ghost.

October is one of my favourite months. The air is crisp, the trees put on a spectacular show of colour, families gather around Thanksgiving tables, and we are reminded of just how much we have to be grateful for.

Gratitude, however, is more than counting our blessings. It is also about sharing them.

While many of us will enjoy a traditional Thanksgiving dinner  this upcoming weekend,  thousands of our neighbours will quietly wonder how they will put food on the table this month. Rising grocery prices have made life difficult for young families, seniors living on fixed incomes, and people facing unexpected hardships. More and more people are turning to their local food bank for help.

That's where each of us can make a difference.

You don't have to donate a truckload of groceries to change someone's day. A few cans of soup, a jar of peanut butter, a box of cereal, pasta, rice, canned vegetables, or other non-perishable items can help someone enjoy a meal they might otherwise have gone without.

But there is another important way to help: cash donations.

Many people don't realize that financial donations are incredibly valuable to food banks. With donated dollars, food banks can often purchase food in larger quantities, take advantage of wholesale pricing, and buy the items that are most urgently needed. A dollar donated can often provide more food than a dollar spent at the grocery store.

Cash also gives food banks the flexibility to respond quickly when needs change. Whether it is helping more families during difficult times, providing fresh produce, or filling gaps in their shelves, financial support allows them to make every donation go further.

One bag of groceries or one financial gift may not seem like much.

To someone who is struggling, it can mean hope.

As we admire the beauty of autumn and gather with those we love, let's also remember those whose tables may be a little emptier this year.

This October, when you're doing your grocery shopping, consider picking up one or two extra items for your local food bank. If you're able, make a financial contribution. Your generosity—whether it comes in a grocery bag or an envelope—helps ensure that more people in our community have enough to eat.

October reminds us that nature is generous. Trees share their beauty without expecting anything in return. Perhaps we can do the same.

May your coffee stay hot, your pie be delicious, your golf ball stay out of the leaves, and may your generosity warm someone's heart long after the Thanksgiving leftovers are gone.