Thursday, January 8, 2015

Relationship between husbands, wives and the game of golf

As we move very slowly towards spring, only a little over two months from now, my friends and I start to have biweekly pub meetings to talk about the last season in golf and how well we are going to do next season. So in light of the game, lets take a very light-hearted look at the relationship between husbands, wives and the game of golf.

One night a man returns home well after dark after having supposedly left at 6:30 that morning to play golf. His wife is furious and demands to know where he’s been.

"Well, I got up this morning at 6.30, went to the car and it wouldn't start. So I called Frank to drive and it was 7.15 until he could pick me up. On our way to the course, Frank gets a flat tire so we have to walk 8 miles to the nearest station to get someone to help us. By the time we finally get going again it’s 10.30. When we get to the course, there is a seniors group going off so we have to wait two hours before we can tee off.”

"Yeah, but that was still almost 11 hours ago!” his wife said.

"Well, we were playing along when on the fifth hole a golf ball comes whizzing by and strikes Frank in the head, killing him. So for the next 13 holes, it’s hit the ball, drag Frank, hit the ball, drag Frank, hit the ball….”

One day Steve and his wife, Sorrel, were out playing golf.

Everything was going well for Steve until the 7th hole. He sliced his tee shot a mile to the right so he and his wife had to go looking for the ball. Eventually they came across a shed with the door slightly ajar, and surprisingly enough the golf ball was slap bang in the center of the floor.

And so, not wanting to drop a shot, Steve decided to play on instead of taking a penalty by dropping the ball.

Sorrell, noticing that if Steve played a good shot he could get his ball on the green, offered to hold the door open while her husband played the shot. After a lengthy period of sizing up his shot, Steve hit the ball, but struck his wife in the temple with it. She slumped down dead, instantly.

Five years later, Steve found himself on the same golf course, on the same hole, this time with his friend, Jim. So, coincidentally, Steve’s tee shot took the exact same path as it did five years ago, and the ball found itself, again, slap bang in the center of the shed.

As Steve thought what to do with his shot, Jim offered to hold the door of the shed open so he could take his shot. But with a look of shock on his face, Steve replied instantly,

"Hell No!!! The last time I tried that it took me 7 shots to get on the green.”

It’s a nice hot summer’s day and two men are playing golf on a course near a main road.

As he is about to tee off on the 10th hole one of the men notices a hearse driving slowly along the road. He stops in mid swing and places his club on the ground, turns round, faces the road and removes his hat in a solemn gesture. The second man turns round to him and says. “Come off it, it’s only a hearse.”

"But you don’t understand, it’s my wife’s funeral…”

Two golfers are at the first tee:

Golfer one: “Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!”

Golfer two: “Great trade!”

A husband and wife died and went to Heaven together. They were met at the gates by an angel who was to show them the place.

"Right over here we have our very own golf course."

"Wow! It’s beautiful! Can we play it now?" they both asked.

"Sure," said the angel.

So the couple began playing. It was the most beautiful course they had ever seen. Everything was perfect… the fairways, the greens, even the rough. The more they played the more the woman beamed with happiness, but she noticed her husband was becoming disheartened and angry.

"I can’t understand why you’re not happy. We’re in Heaven! We’re together! We’re playing on the most beautiful and most perfect golf course ever! What’s wrong with you?" she asked.

"If you hadn’t fed us all that damn health food, we’d have been here years ago!"

Jim and Bob were avid golfers, faithfully playing a round of golf every Sunday. One particular Sunday, after the first few holes they found themselves waiting for two very slow playing women to move on, so that they could play the next hole.

Jim took the initiative.

Jim: “Bob, go and ask those two women in front to move over and let us pass will you? We’ll be here forever otherwise.”

Bob: “No worries mate. I won’t be a minute.”

So off trots Bob down the fairway toward the two offending women. But when he gets halfway there he suddenly stops and starts to walk back toward Jim.

Jim: “What’s the matter?”

Bob: “I can’t go down there.”

Jim: “Why not?”

Bob “Well it’s those women. One’s my wife and the other’s my mistress.”

Jim: “No worries mate. I’ll go.”

So off he goes, but when he gets halfway Jim turns around and heads back to Bob.

Bob: “Well?”

Jim: “It’s a small world.”

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