more humour, for a Saturday

REAL NEWSPAPER ADS:

Snowblower for sale... Only used on snowy days.

Wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15

Cows, calves never bred... Also 1 gay bull for sale.

Full sized mattress. 20 yr. Warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.

Nordic track $300 hardly used, call chubby

Georgia peaches California grown - 89 cents lb.

Nice parachute: never opened - used once

Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer & dryer $300.

Open house: body shapers toning salon - free coffee & donuts

Being a husband is like any other job. It helps a lot if you like the boss.

Groooaaannn.......

A young missionary on his first term in Africa was reading his Bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down by his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his Bible. As soon as he did, the two lions pounced on him and devoured him. Moral: Don't try to read between the lions.

  

 The following are some classically written excuses given to teachers in a public school system:

"Please excuse Dianne from being absent yeaterday. She was in bed with

gramps."

"Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault."

"Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side."

"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face."

"Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor."

"Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over."

"My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him."

"Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part."

"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines."

"Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip."

"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."

"Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night."

"Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating."

"George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach."

"Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout."

"Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."

"Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals."

This is sad but true............

If you speak three languages, you're trilingual.

If you speak two languages, you're bilingual.

If you speak one language, you're American