The loss of a spouse

I have known Gary for over 40 years and his wife, with the support of her family, committed assisted suicide (which is legal in Canada). Gary is in mourning, he is feeling grief and sorrow at the loss. He is going through many different feelings at this point. All of his feelings are normal and there are no rules about how he should feel. When I and his friends last saw Gary, he said that there were so many people asking him how he was doing, and when he told them the truth, they backed away, so he is now saying "I'm doing as well as can be expected. or I'm OK". One of the guys told him that he could tell us how he was feeling or he could lie to us, either way, we were not going to go away and we were there for him. We all, including Gary, laughed, and he did tell us how he was really feeling. We just listened.

Although we all feel is a loss, many of us have not lost a spouse and here are some ideas to remember when you are around a person who is grieving. The first is to just accept that the person is grieving and in pain, and let them know you are there for them. Simple advice, but hard to follow, but just saying "I am here for you." may be enough. 

When a person grieves, they can feel both physical and emotional pain. People who are grieving often cry easily and can have:

·       Trouble sleeping

·       Little interest in food

·       Problems with concentration

·       A hard time making decisions

In addition to dealing with feelings of loss, they also may need to put your own life back together. This can be hard work. Some people feel better sooner than they expect. Others may take longer. Family, friends, and faith may be sources of support.

As time passes, the intense pain will lessen. A person who is grieving will have good and bad days. Mourning can go on so long that it becomes unhealthy because the person grieving may be sinking int serious depression and anxiety. If you notice this advice them to talk with their doctor.

Support may be available until they can manage the grief on their own. Consider getting them to join a grief support group. Sometimes, it helps to talk with people who also are grieving. If they cannot help by check with hospitals, religious communities, and local agencies to find out about support groups. Choose a support group where they feel comfortable sharing your feelings and concerns. Members of support groups often have helpful ideas or know of useful resources based on their own experiences. Online support groups make it possible to get help without leaving home.

Mourning takes time. It’s common to have rollercoaster emotions for a while. After years of being part of a couple, it can be upsetting to be alone. Many people find it helps to have things to do every day. Whether the person is grieving is still working or are retired, suggest that they write down their weekly plans. Some ideas you could give include:

·       Take a walk with a friend.

·       Visit the library.

·       Volunteer.

·       Try an exercise class.

·       Join a singing group.

·       Join a bowling league.

·       Offer to watch the grandchildren.

·       Consider adopting a pet.

·       Take a class at a nearby senior center, college, or recreation center.

·       Stay in touch with family and friends, either in person or online.

·       When they feel stronger,  think about getting their legal and financial affairs in order. For example, you might need to:

o   Write a new will and advance directive.

o   Look into an enduring power of attorney for legal matters and a representation agreement (In BC only) for health care, in case you are unable to make your own medical decisions in the future.

o   Put joint property (such as a house or car) in their name.

o   Check on changes you might need to make to health insurance as well as your life, car, and homeowner’s insurance.

Having a social life on their own can be tough. It may be hard to think about going to parties or other social events. It can be hard to think about coming home alone. They may be anxious about dating. Many people miss the feeling of closeness that marriage brings. After a time, some are ready to have a social life again. Here are some things to remember:

·       Go at a comfortable pace. There’s no rush.

·       It’s okay to make the first move when it comes to planning things to do.

·       Try group activities. Invite friends for a potluck dinner or go to a senior center.

·       With married friends, think about informal outings like walks, picnics, or movies rather than the couple’s events that remind you of the past.

·       Find an activity you like. The key is to have fun and meet people who like to do the same thing.

·       Take the time to develop meaningful relationships with friends and family members of all ages.

·       Many people find that pets provide important companionship