Jan 2, time to laugh

I've got old age figured out. It is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

My retired friend of mine applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form requested "prior experience," he wrote "lifeguard." That was it. Nothing else.

"We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance but who can sell himself as well," said the hiring manager. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?"

My pal replied, "I couldn't swim."

He got the job.

You know you're getting old when your dreams are dry and your farts are

wet.

Consciousness is that annoying time between naps.

One day at the watering hole, an elephant looked around and carefully surveyed the turtles in view. After a few seconds thought, he walked over to one turtle, raised his foot, and kicked the turtle as far as he could. 

A watching hyena asked the elephant why he did it. "Well, about 30 years ago I was walking through a stream and a turtle bit my foot. Finally, I found the S.O.B and repaid him for what he had done to me." "30 years!!! And you remembered ...But how???"

"I have turtle recall."

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

For my Aussie friends, My aunt's beloved cat Ginger had grown seriously overweight, so she decided to take him to the vet to find out if there was anything wrong with him - and more to the point, whether anything could be done about it. 

So, she put him into the kit- ty-carry box and drove to the surgery. The doc prescribed a course of pills, and my aunt

left, happy in the knowledge that Ginger would soon be his slim old self again. But after a few weeks of taking the pills, there was no change: Ginger was as fat as ever. Soon months had gone by, and still, there was no difference. In fact, if anything, it was getting worse. 

The other problem was the invoices from the vet - these pills were costing a fortune. It soon became clear to us all that Ginger had become a doc-billed fatty-puss.  :o)