Stages of Grief Bargaining

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross understood that the five phases are not strictly encountered in a linear manner and that the person dealing with their own impending death may jump back and forth between them.

There is the general misunderstanding that these steps, in this exact order, are required to progress to any sense of recovery. That is what leads to a great deal of confusion, and often to frustration.

This is certainly the case with the stage labelled as “bargaining”. It's understandable that the person facing a terminal illness might fall into this phase. They might promise the deity they worship that they will be a better person if this diagnosis is reversed. If they are not a person of faith, they may promise themselves that they will make better choices in the future if they survive their illness. It's not unusual, especially if the impending death is that of a child, for a parent to wish or pray that the illness is transferred to them instead. This is the basic concept of bargaining and one that you would expect a person facing death to try.

The problem with trying to use this concept, when a loved one dies is that there is little likelihood of application. While the griever may wish that they could turn back time, so that they would not be facing this loss, that would better be described as regret than as any form of bargaining.

When a griever is dealing with any loss that they have experienced, regret is a common thread. They often think of how things might have gone differently in that relationship and things they may wish they had said or not said. It may be regret over actions taken by the other party in that relationship. They may regret that they didn't have more time to complete the unfinished business of some kind. They may regret that this relationship isn't going to continue in the future in the way they hoped, dreamed, or planned it would.

In the perfect world, no one would have regrets! We would think with perfect clarity before we ever spoke or took any kind of action. The problem is that no one lives in a perfect world. We often speak or act spontaneously, without thought of how others might interpret what we say or do. Compounding this problem, others do exactly the same thing. This can often lead to regrets.

If a relationship has ended by death, these regrets can literally come back to haunt us. If a relationship has ended with estrangement or someone moving away, finding a way to deal with these regrets can be complicated. Each and every loss presents its own problems in dealing with this unfinished business. While we may do some internal “bargaining” in an attempt to deal with the loss, the problem is that, without direction and support, we are still left at a loss.

Perhaps the best "bargain" a griever can make with him or herself is to actually choose to take action, rather than having their life limited by the emotional pain of their personal loss!