Headlines to grab your attention

RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES. 

NICARAGUA SETS GOAL TO WIPE OUT LITERACY

FILMING IN CEMETERY ANGERS RESIDENTS

FEDERAL AGENTS RAID GUN SHOP, FIND WEAPONS

CRASH COURSES FOR PRIVATE PILOTS

CHEF THROWS HIS HEART INTO HELPING FEED THE NEEDY

BODIES NEEDED TO LOOK AFTER GRAVEYARD

BODIES IN GARDEN ARE A PLANT SAYS, WIFE

30 YEAR FRIENDSHIP ENDS AT ALTER

STOLEN PROSTHETIC ARM DISCOVERED IN A SECONDHAND SHOP

BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

And now for something completely different:

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - an exceptionally long shot - won the race!

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th racehorses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long-shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first. By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money.

By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM withdrew all his savings and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was. Confronting the old priest, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All-day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with most people, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'