Riders on the course

For all the old golfers out there. This is the way I played last year, but wait till the Spring. (I am the three rider man). Thanks to Colleen for this.
'
Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, Did you guys have a good game today?

The first old guy said, Yes, I had three riders today..
The second old guy said, I had the most riders ever. I had five.
The third old guy said, I had 7 riders, the same as last time.
The last old man said, I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today.

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, I've been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?

The pro said, A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it. .

An oldie, but still a cutie!

My thanks to Jim for this gem. When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating."  You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead…well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."  Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

JI was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

A good laugh, even if you’re NOT over 50!

Grandparent humour

      As his birthday is coming up in a few weeks , my grandson asked me, 'Grandpa, how old are you?'

I told him, 'I'm so old I don't remember anymore.'

      He looked at me with concern and said, 'If you don't remember, you must look in the back of your underpants. Mine say three to four.

Life before the computer

People post the strangest things on Facebook, worth a laugh for those of us who remember life before the computer.

An oldie but a goodie

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ..

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends.

And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special..

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.

In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.

It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP,you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.

When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP?

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,

for now my time is UP,

so........it is time to shut UP!

so you don't have to put UP  with me

Now it's UP to you what you do with this infromation.

The older I get, the better I was.

Thanks to Marie for this reminder of what could be

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church,  I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.  I was looking for my keys.   

They were not in my pockets.   A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized,  I must have left them in the car.   

Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.   My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.   My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.   

Her theory is that the car will be stolen.   As I burst through the doors of the church,  I came to a terrifying conclusion.   

Her theory was right.   The parking lot was empty. 
I immediately called the police.   

I gave them my location,  confessed that I had left my keys in the car,  and that it had been stolen.


Then I made the most difficult call of all,  "Honey,"  I stammered...I always call her "honey" in times like these. 

  "I left my keys in the car,  and it has been stolen."


There was a period of silence.   I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.   "Idiot",  she barked,  "I dropped you off!"

 
Now it was my time to be silent.   Embarrassed,  I said,  "Well,  come and get me."  

 She retorted,  "I will,  as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."


Yep it's getting like that.   The golden years.

Isn't everyone a bit blond?

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I'm really a blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

Don't get mad get even

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!" 

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unnoticed. The next morning the husband took a pair of his underwear out of his drawer. "What the heck is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"Maria!," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put baby powder in my underwear?" 

She replied with a giggle..."It's not baby powder...... It's 'Miracle Grow'!"

Your Duck Is Dead -- Health Care Billing

My thanks to Joanne for this:

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a Black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" 

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Price of gas in France

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings---is 

I had no Monet

To buy Degas

To make the Van Gogh."

I hope you have De Gaulle to recommend this to someone else.

I posted this because I figured I had nothing Toulouse

They walk among us

Some  guy bought a new fridge for his house.

To get  rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard  and hung a

Sign on it saying: 'Free to good  home. You want it, you take it.'

For three days  the fridge sat there without anyone looking  twice.

He eventually decided that people were  too mistrustful of this deal.

So he changed the  sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The  next day someone stole it!

-------------------------------------

I  stopped at Mc Donald’s and ordered some  fries.

The  girl behind the counter said "would you like some  fries with that?"

--------------------------

*One  day I was walking down the beach with

Some  friends when someone shouted.....

'Look at that  dead bird!'

Someone looked up at the sky and  said...'where?'

----------------------------------------------------------

While  looking at a house, my brother asked the

Estate  agent which direction was north because

He  didn't want the sun waking him up every  morning.

She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the  north?'

My brother explained that the sun rises  in the east

And has for sometime. She shook her  head and said,

'Oh, I don't keep up with all  that stuff......'

--------------------------------------------

My  colleague and I were eating our lunch in our  cafeteria,

when we overheard an admin girl  talking about the

sunburn she got on her  weekend drive to the beach.

She drove down in a  convertible, but said

she 'didn't think she'd  get sunburned

because the car was  moving'.

My  sister has a lifesaving tool in her car

which  is designed to cut through a seat belt

if she  gets trapped. She keeps it in the car  trunk.

They Walk Among  Us!

-------------------------------------------------

I

I  couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage  area and went to the lost luggage office and  reported the loss.

The woman there smiled and  told me not to worry

because she was a trained  professional and

said I was in good hands.  'Now,' she asked me,

'Has your plane arrived  yet?'...

(I work with professionals like  this.)

They Walk Among  Us!

------------------------------------------------

While  working at a pizza parlor I observed a  man

ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared  to be alone and the cook asked him if he would  like it cut

into 4 pieces or 6. He thought  about it for some time

then said 'Just cut it  into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry

enough  to eat 6 pieces.

And  last, but not least:

TRUE  STORY:

A  noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an  academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to  appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to  schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a  question with which he was most at  ease.

'Would you mind telling me,  Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental  deficiency in somebody who appears completely  normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied.  'You ask a simple question which anyone should  answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates,  that puts you on the track..'

'What sort  of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you  might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around  the world and died during one of them. Which  one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then  said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen  to have another example would you? I must  confess I don't know much about  history.'

Sadly,   they walk among us!

Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

You can't fix stupid.

New Version of "My Favourite Things"

(Sing to the tune of My Favourite Things,  from the Sound of Music)

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,

Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,

Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favourite things..

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,

When the knees go bad,

I simply remember my favourite things,

And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,

These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',

And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,

When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,

When the eyes grow dim,

Then I remember the great life I've had,

And then I don't feel so bad

Yoga mat for sale. Used once.

 

Date: 2011-09-13, 10:32PM

Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows:

11:45a

Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.

11:55a

Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.

11:57a

I feel the need to be as near to her as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.

11:58a

The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiance may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.

11:59a

Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me, but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.

12:00p

Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Asian woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my self. My bride is notably unfazed.

12:02p

Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. After class we will get together for the rest of our lives.

12:10p

It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other's body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don't worry, I'll mention them later.)

12:26p

It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.

12:33p

It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I'm in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, "for better or worse" is what we committed to so we press on.

12:40p

The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.

12:44p

I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.

12:52p

It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.

12:55p

This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?

1:01p

140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, witch, I need my space here so don't get all mad with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!

1:09p

150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Asian lady is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed. I lose consciousness.

1:15p

I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish witch. I can't really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.

1:17p

I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it's voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It's like juice and cracker time, ok?

1:20p

It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell, but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some offensive smell on my towel or something?

1:30p

Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and 'cool down' in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.

1:34p

My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level - probably by 15 degrees. So let's conservatively say it's 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.

1:37p

The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both of my nipples stiffen to diamond strength from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day's turmoil and mental scaring.

1:47p

Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein -- effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.

3:47p

Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the "shakes" consume my body.

4:29p

Note to self - check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.

Location: Bellevue

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

A Test for Seniors--not Boomers

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Here are the Answers

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

Answer: Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ...]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

You can go back to sleep now ...

Alerts in Europe from John Cleese

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and the announcement of the death of Osama bin Laden, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer (of Monty Python fame), actor and tall person