Two eaglets and some ketchup

The eaglets were preparing to leave the nest and fly out into the world when their grandfather happened by. He perched on the side of the nest to wish them well. The eaglets asked what grandfather liked to eat most. 

"That'd have to be salmon, or maybe trout. Oh, one day soon you'll find out!" 

A granddaughter asked, "What do you usually eat?" 

"Rabbits are always good, and squirrels, you've seen squirrels?" 

"Sure, we see a lot, running around on the branches." 

"Keep an eye out, because those are tasty." Said the grand old eagle. 

"An eagle-eye," a smart-mouthed grandson said and was immediately smacked. 

The granddaughter asked, "Birds, what about birds, do we eat those?" 

"Well some, sure. Seagulls, those are fine and pretty easy to catch." Answered the great eagle. 

A grandson asked, "There's a big white bird with long legs, it lives by rivers and streams, do you know? Do you eat those?"

 "I think you mean egrets?" his grandfather asked. 

"That's right, egrets, have you eaten a lot of those?" 

"Egrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention."

Two tomatoes cross the road, and one of them gets squished by a passing car. The other tomato turns to his friend and says, "Come on, ketchup!"

Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired of standing up!

How do you stop a bull from charging?

'' Cancel its credit card!

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending!

Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!

How does a rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator!

Why did the fish get bad grades? Because it was below sea level!

What’s a bear with no teeth called? A gummy bear!

Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? He was a little shellfish!

How do you impress a female baker? Bring her flours!

What kind of cheese isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!

How do you make a Swiss roll? Push him down a mountain!

What kind of music do mummies listen to? Wrap music!

What is the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!

How many lips does a flower have? Tu-lips!

How do you make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eyes!

Did you hear about the sensitive burglar? He takes things personally!

What job did the frog have at the hotel? Bellhop!

What do you call a group of unorganized cats? Cat-astrophe!

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one!

Why couldn’t the pirate learn the alphabet? Because he was always lost at C!

What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? A bagel!

 What do you call a man that irons clothes? Iron Man!

How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut!

What do you call a pile of cats? A meow-tain!

How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool!

What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away? A receding hare line!

Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!

Where does the electric cord go to shop? The outlet mall, of course!

What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine? “Give me my quarterback!”

Why can’t you trust the king of the jungle? Because he’s always lion!

Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All of the fans left!

When does a duck wake up? At the quack of dawn!

A tribute to Yogi Berra

Yankees legend Yogi Berra passed away in 2015. An 18-time All-Star, Berra appeared in 14 World Series as a member of the Yankees and won 10 of them.

Berra’s contributions to MLB history are incalculable, but his legacy might be even better remembered for what he contributed to the American language. A sportswriters’ favourite, Berra had countless expressions and turns of phrase that were memorable because most of them didn’t make any sense. (At the same time, everyone had some truth to it.)

Berra-isms (colloquial expressions that lack logic) are now countless, and many of them are just attributed to Berra, even if he never actually said them. As he so perfectly put it: “I never said most of the things I said.” Here are 50 of our favourites.

1.          When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

2.          You can observe a lot by just watching.

3.          It ain’t over till it’s over.

4.          It’s like déjà vu all over again.

5.          No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.

6.          Baseball is 90% mental and the other half is physical.

7.          A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.

8.          Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

9.          We made too many wrong mistakes.

10.     Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken.

11.     You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.

12.     You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you.

13.     I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four.

14.     Never answer an anonymous letter.

15.     Slump? I ain’t in no slump… I just ain’t hitting.

16.     How can you think and hit at the same time?

17.     The future ain’t what it used to be.

18.     I tell the kids, somebody’s gotta win, somebody’s gotta lose. Just don’t fight about it. Just try to get better.

19.     It gets late early out here.

20.     If the people don’t want to come out to the ballpark, nobody’s going to stop them.

21.     We have deep depth.

22.     Pair up in threes.

23.     You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.

24.     All pitchers are liars or crybabies.

25.     Even Napoleon had his Watergate.

26.     Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.

27.     He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious.

28.     It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.

29.     I can see how he (Sandy Koufax) won twenty-five games. What I don’t understand is how he lost five.

30.     I don’t know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads.

31.     I’m a lucky guy and I’m happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary.

32.     I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.

33.     In baseball, you don’t know nothing.

34.     I never blame myself when I’m not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn’t my fault that I’m not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?

35.     I never said most of the things I said.

36.     It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility.

37.     If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.

38.     I wish everybody had the drive he (Joe DiMaggio) had. He never did anything wrong on the field. I’d never seen him dive for a ball, everything was a chest-high catch, and he never walked off the field.

39.     So I’m ugly. I never saw anyone hit with his face.

40.     Take it with a grin of salt.

41.     (On the 1973 Mets) We were overwhelming underdogs.

42.     The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

43.     Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.

44.     Mickey Mantle was a very good golfer, but we weren’t allowed to play golf during the season; only at spring training.

45.     You don’t have to swing hard to hit a home run. If you got the timing, it’ll go.

46.     I’m lucky. Usually you’re dead to get your own museum, but I’m still alive to see mine.

47.     If I didn’t make it in baseball, I won’t have made it workin’. I didn’t like to work.

48.     If the world were perfect, it wouldn’t be.

49. Why buy good luggage, you only use it when you travel.

50.     A lot of guys go, ‘Hey, Yog, say a Yogi-ism.’ I tell ’em, ‘I don’t know any.’ They want me to make one up. I don’t make ’em up. I don’t even know when I say it. They’re the truth. And it is the truth. I don’t know.

Advice on Children and other thoughts

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.

He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "l sure hope this parrot can talk.

I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer. "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

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A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it.

The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car.

They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

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To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said, "Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never

changed. BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.   Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"

A bit of humour

My thanks to the people at “Postscript” for these gems

·       Crushing pop cans is soda pressing

·       The problem with political jokes is that they sometimes get elected

·       People are making apocalypse jokes like there is no tomorrow

·       Autocorrect made me say things I didn’t Nintendo

·       If ignorance is bliss than I know some people who should be happier than they seem

·       I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.

·       Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

·       Puns ab out communism are not funny unless everyone gets them

·       If cats could text you back, they wouldn’t.

·       I ordered a chicken and an egg on the Internet just to see which one comes first

·       I ate a dictionary and got thesaurus throat.

·       I can tell if people are judgmental just by looking at them.

·       Despite the high cost of living it remains popular

·       WELL, TO BE FRANK, I’d have to change my name

·       A book hit my head and I have only my shelf to blame

·       The cook was a good cook, as cooks go, and as cooks go, she went.

·       In baiting a mousetrap with cheese, always leave room for the mouse.

·       Think about how many blameless lives are brightened by the blazing indiscretions of other people.

·       A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

·       Every reformation must have its victims. You can’t expect the fatted calf to share the enthusiasm of the angels over the prodigal’s return.

·       Never be a pioneer. It was the Early Christians that got the hungriest lion.

·       I hate posterity—it’s so fond of having the last word.

Family get togethers need not be expensive

Wondering how to get everyone together for the holidays, Marty knows how this can be done without huge expenses. (an oldie but still funny)

A man named Marty called his son. "Harry I have news to tell you, I know it's going to upset you but I have made up my mind and their is nothing you can do about it. I have decided to divorce your mother." 

"But dad how can that be "the son asked "you have been married for 40 years, and you always seemed to get along? What happened suddenly?" 

"Son, I have made up my mind, and I don't want you to try to convince me out of it." 

"OK" the son responded "but promise me you won't do anything until I come and talk to you in person, and I am going to ask all of the siblings to fly in also. 

"Alright" said the father hanging up "you have my word." 

"Well" said Marty, turning to his wife "I got them all to come in and I didn't even have to pay for the tickets." 

Some dark humour for dark times

I went to the thirtieth reunion of my preschool. I didn't want   to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.

Every time I sit down to try to take a dump, I start reading the newspaper and end up forgetting to do my business. I think I might have Attention Defecate Disorder.

Tampax Launches a New Ad Campaign: "We're Not #1! But We're Way Up There!

Upon taking a seat at the bar, the exec noticed that each stool had a number painted on it. Sitting next to him was a rather depressed-looking gentleman and an attractive young woman who was obviously enjoying herself. The newcomer turned toward the unhappy fellow and asked if he knew the purpose of the numbers. "Sure," the guy said. "Every half hour, the bartender spins a wheel and whoever has the winning seat gets to go upstairs for the wild sex orgy they have up there." "That's terrific!" exclaimed the surprised customer. "Have you won?" "Not yet," the man said, miserably, "but my date has, four times in a row!"

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end  of the bench. 
After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?' 
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.' 
'So, where were you all these years?' 
'In prison,' he says. 
'Why did they put you in prison?' 
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.' 
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!' 

Some golf humour

We are about a week away from our annual golf trip and to make light of how we golf is one of the ways we cope with the game. Enjoy

1.      During the first round with a brand new set of clubs, the ball has to be played from a road.

2.      The most important inches in golf are NOT those between the ears: they ARE the ones between your ball and the hole on the fourth putt.

3.      Curing the faults in your swing can never be affected in just one lesson from a professional.

4.      Delicate chip shots over bunkers always catch the top of the bank and fall back.

5.      Immediately you put on your waterproofs it stops raining.

6.      In a four-ball game, your partner is right on his game while you aren’t or vice versa.

7.      It’s always the next round that will find you playing your normal game.

8.      The more you play a course the more obsessed you become with its dangers…

9.      The number of practice balls recovered is always less than the number hit.

10. The only downwind holes are par threes.

11. The people in front of you are playing too slowly, the people behind you are playing too quickly.

12. The reserve glove you have kept for wet weather has shrunk.

13. The shorter the putt, the smaller the hole becomes.

14. Whatever the rule for a particular situation, you’ve probably broken it.

15. When playing to a temporary green, your ball finishes stone dead to the hole cut in the proper green.

16. Add more in the comments below! Maybe we’ll feature it on the next round

17. When setting up further left or right on the tee to compensate for a slice or hook, you will always drive the ball straight.

18. Best drive of the day lands in a sanded divot or next to a muddy drainage area in the middle of the fairway.

19. Golf is 90% mental, and 10% mental.

20. 100% of putts that are short never drop in the cup

21. Your game always comes together and you have your best round the last round of the season

22. you always have your best score by yourself

23. The only time you make pure ball first contact is when your trying to splash one out of a green side bunker.

24. Saying things like " I will not hit the water" usually produces a spectacular splash because the last thing going through your mind is WATER!!!

25. Whenever they change the hole location on a par 3, your tee shot lands inches away from the old hole plug.

A few more off beat jokes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are on a camping trip.

In the middle of the night, Holmes nudges Watson awake, and says, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions of stars, my dear Holmes."

"And what do you infer from these stars?"

"Well, a number of things," he says, lighting his pipe:

Astronomically, I observe that there are millions of galaxies and billions of stars and planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I expect that the weather will be fine and clear.

Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and man, his creation, small and insignificant.

What about you, Holmes?"

"Watson, you fool. Someone has stolen our tent!"

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A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe as his boss lectured and answered difficult questions about the nature of things and the meaning of life.

Then, one day, the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for just one evening. The philosopher agreed, and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well.

However, when the time came for questions, someone at the back of the room asked him, "Is the epistemological meta-narrative that you seem to espouse compatible with a teleological account of the universe?"

"That's an extremely simple question," he replied. "So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer it."

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A Zen student goes to a temple and asks how long it will take him to gain enlightenment if he joins the temple. 

"Ten years," says the Zen master. 

"Well, how about if I really work and double my effort?"

"Twenty years."

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A Zen student asked his master, "Is it OK to use email?"

"Yes," replied the master, "But no attachments." 

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Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.

"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.

"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."

"Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said.

"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer.

"Applied psychology."

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A psychotherapist returned from a conference in the Rocky mountains, where the delegates spent more time on the icy ski slopes than attending lectures and seminars.

When she got back, her husband asked her, "So, how did it go?"

"Fine," she replied, "but I've never seen so many Freudians slip."

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