Why Is Making Friends So Hard (Even When You’re Over 70)?

One of the people on my board is not well-regarded by many other board members. After a conversation with a board member about this person, I decided to look at the issue of why some seniors have trouble making friends, fitting in and finding their place. I hope you enjoy the series.

It’s one of life’s odd little truths: making friends can get harder as we get older, not easier. You’d think that with seven decades of life experience, people skills would come naturally. But here you are, perhaps feeling a bit like the new kid at school again, except this time without recess or a soccer team to break the ice.

Let’s be honest: many seniors, even the most accomplished ones, find it tough to form new friendships or feel fully accepted in group settings. Maybe you’ve recently retired, moved to a new community, or joined a local club or volunteer board, and while the people are friendly enough, something feels just a bit off. You want to fit in. You want to be liked. But it’s not clicking. Why?

The Quiet Truth: Social Circles Shrink

In our younger years, social networks tend to build themselves. School, work, parenting, and sports all force us into contact with others. We didn’t have to work too hard at meeting people; they came with the territory. But as we age, life takes a turn. Careers wind down, children grow up, and longtime friends move away, or pass away. The comfortable, familiar circles we once belonged to quietly dissolve.

That’s when many of us find ourselves asking: “How do I start over socially at this stage of life?” And more importantly, “Why does it feel so awkward?”

Old Habits Die Hard

By the time we reach our 60s, 70s, and beyond, we’ve all developed communication habits, some helpful, some not so much. We may not even be aware of them. For example, maybe you love sharing your life story, and you’re proud of your accomplishments. That’s wonderful! But if you dominate every conversation with tales of “what I did back in the day,” others might start to tune out. It’s not that they don’t respect you; they just don’t feel heard.

That’s the heart of it: the need to be heard is universal. When we talk but don’t listen, we miss that connection. And over time, people begin to keep their distance.

Want to Be Interesting? Be Interested.

A simple rule to remember as we rebuild our social circles: People are drawn to those who show a genuine interest in them. Being friendly isn’t about dazzling others with our achievements or opinions; it’s about being curious, present, and open.

Try this the next time you’re in a group: instead of preparing what you want to say next, focus fully on what someone else is saying. Ask a follow-up question. Nod. Smile. You’ll be surprised at how quickly others warm to you when they feel you’re truly listening.

The Vulnerability of Starting Over

Here’s the part that doesn’t get talked about enough: making new friends takes courage. It can feel uncomfortable. You might feel rejected at times or worry that others are judging you. Those feelings are real and normal. The good news? They’re not permanent.

The more you practice showing up with openness, humility, and a sense of humour, the more others will respond in kind. You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be present.

What You Can Do Today

• Start with one person. Choose someone you see regularly, at a club, a meeting, or even at the grocery store, and make a small effort to connect. A compliment, a question, or a kind remark goes a long way.
• Be mindful of your stories. Share, of course, but keep it balanced. Make sure others get equal airtime.
• Laugh a little. A sense of humour, especially about yourself, breaks down walls faster than anything else.
• Be patient. Real friendships aren’t made overnight, but every warm exchange lays a brick on the road to connection.

Jazz

When I was in high school one of my best friends was a musician with an older brother who became the father of a singer Diane Krall. I am not a big jazz fan, but I have followed her career with interest, even though I have lost contact with my high school friend. 

For those who do not know, Diana Krall is an accomplished singer and jazz pianist. Born in Nanaimo, British Columbia, Canada, in 1964, she began playing the piano at the age of four. Music runs in her family, and during high school, she played in a jazz group and performed in various restaurants in Nanaimo. At 17, she received a scholarship from the Vancouver International Jazz Festival to attend Berklee College of Music, where she studied for one and a half years.

While performing in Nanaimo, she was encouraged by renowned bassist Ray Brown, the ex-husband of Ella Fitzgerald, to move to Los Angeles to further develop her talents with pianist Jimmy Rowles. She followed his advice, and this move introduced her to influential producers and teachers. In 1990, she moved to New York.

In 2003, Diana married British musician Elvis Costello on Elton John's estate. The couple welcomed twin boys, Dexter Henry Lorcan and Frank Harlan James, in 2006.

Diana's passion for jazz was influenced by her father's extensive collection of jazz records. She faced personal losses in 2002, with the passing of her mother due to multiple myeloma and her mentors Ray Brown and Rosemary Clooney within a few months of each other. Her younger sister remains a strong supporter of her career.

Her debut album, "Stepping Out," was released in 1993, featuring John Clayton and Jeff Hamilton. This album caught the attention of producer Tommy LiPuma, who produced her second album, "Only Trust Your Heart," in 1995. Her third album, "All for You: A Dedication to the Nat King Cole Trio," released in 1996, was nominated for a Grammy Award and spent 70 weeks on Billboard's jazz charts. In 1997, she released "Love Scenes," featuring guitarist Russell Malone and bassist Christian McBride.

In 2000, Diana toured with Tony Bennett and received multiple Grammy nominations. Her album "The Look of Love" (2001) achieved platinum status and reached number one on the Canadian charts and the top ten on the Billboard 200. In 2001, she embarked on a world tour, and her Paris Olympia concert was recorded and released as "Diana Krall: Live in Paris." The album topped the Billboard Jazz Charts, reached number five in Canada, and made the top 20 on the Billboard 200. It included covers of Billy Joel's "Just The Way You Are" and Joni Mitchell's "A Case of You."

After marrying Elvis Costello, Diana co-wrote songs with him, resulting in the 2004 album "The Girl in the Other Room." She also appeared in a Lexus advertisement that year and performed "Dream a Little Dream of Me" with pianist Hank Jones. In 2003, she received an honorary doctorate from the University of Victoria, and in 2004, she was inducted into Canada's Walk of Fame. Since 2004, Diana Krall has continued to make significant contributions to the jazz and music world. Here are some highlights of her career from 2004 onwards:

Albums and Music Projects:

• "Christmas Songs" (2005): A holiday album featuring The Clayton-Hamilton Jazz Orchestra.
• "From This Moment On" (2006): This album includes standards and ballads, reflecting her jazz roots.
• "Quiet Nights" (2009): A bossa nova-inspired album that received critical acclaim.
• "Glad Rag Doll" (2012): Produced by T-Bone Burnett, this album features songs from the 1920s and 1930s.
• "Wallflower" (2015): An album that includes covers of pop and rock songs from the 1960s to the present.
• "Turn Up the Quiet" (2017): A return to jazz standards, featuring collaborations with Tommy LiPuma.
• "Love Is Here to Stay" (2018): A collaborative album with Tony Bennett, focusing on the music of George Gershwin.
• "This Dream of You" (2020): An album featuring previously unreleased tracks from sessions with Tommy LiPuma.

Tours and Performances:

• Diana has toured extensively around the world, performing at prestigious venues and jazz festivals.
• She has collaborated with various artists, including Barbra Streisand, Paul McCartney, and her husband, Elvis Costello.

Awards and Honors:

• In 2008, she was awarded the Order of British Columbia.
• In 2013, she was made an Officer of the Order of Canada, recognizing her international influence in jazz and popular music.
• Diana has received multiple Grammy Awards and nominations throughout her career.

Personal Life:

• Diana continues to balance her career with her family life, raising her twin sons with Elvis Costello.

Recent Projects:

• She has remained active in the music industry, participating in various charitable events and projects.
• During the COVID-19 pandemic, she continued to engage with fans through virtual performances and social media.

Diana Krall's enduring talent and dedication to her craft have solidified her position as one of the leading figures in contemporary jazz.

With a little help from my friends

Having friends is a cornerstone of a happy and fulfilling life. Friends offer emotional support, help reduce feelings of loneliness, and foster a sense of belonging. They also encourage a healthier lifestyle through engaging in activities that benefit both mental and physical well-being. For seniors, maintaining friendships is crucial in combating social isolation and nurturing a sense of community and connection.

However, making new friends can be challenging for some of us due to various factors. Retirement, limited mobility, and the end of regular social activities often reduce opportunities for social interactions. Relocation, the death of a spouse, or the loss of old friends can further shrink social circles, leading to feelings of isolation. Physical or cognitive health issues may hinder participation in social events, and difficulty with technology can prevent seniors from connecting online, where many social interactions now occur.

 Additionally, ageism and negative stereotypes about aging can make some of us feel undervalued in social settings, discouraging us from seeking new friendships. The fear of not fitting in or being rejected, along with life changes such as retirement or health issues impacting self-esteem, can make reaching out and sustaining new friendships more difficult.

Overcoming these challenges involves creating accessible social opportunities, providing support for seniors, challenging ageist attitudes, and fostering an inclusive environment. One effective strategy is to identify hobbies or interests and join clubs, classes, or groups that align with them. Activities like book clubs, volunteer groups, fitness classes, and workshops are great for meeting people with similar interests. Potential friends could also be found among work colleagues, neighbours, fellow pet owners, and grandparents of your grandchildren's classmates. Connecting with these individuals through shared experiences can be a great starting point.

Using your existing relationships to expand your social circle can also be effective. Don’t be shy to leverage your current friendships to meet new people. Friends of friends often share common interests and values. When organizing group gatherings, prioritize setting a date that works for most people instead of delaying for the perfect time—there is no perfect date or time, and life can slip by while waiting.

Even brief interactions, like a quick coffee date or a casual text, can help maintain and grow friendships. The connection itself is what matters, not the length of the engagement. Reaching out to old friends you’ve lost touch with can also be worthwhile. They may be feeling the same hesitation, so a simple message to reconnect can revive the friendship.

Engaging with current media, like popular shows, books, or podcasts, provides easy conversation starters and helps you join in general social discussions. Contrary to the belief that talking less makes you more likable, research suggests that engaging more in conversations makes you appear more interesting and likable. Asking questions about the other person is a great way to do this, as everyone has a story to tell, and they are just waiting for someone to ask.

Once you’ve established new friendships, it’s essential to maintain them. Keep in touch regularly, even if it’s through brief messages or calls. Schedule regular meetups or activities to ensure continued interaction. Show interest in your friends’ lives and offer support when needed. Building and maintaining friendships as a senior requires effort and persistence, but the rewards are invaluable.

Firends and Old friends

 I was reading a post in The End Game written by Don Akchin where he said, “The difference between friends and old friends, in my mind, boils down to this: Friends know what you do and what you say; old friends know who you are. They know the Original You, before the trappings of education, marriage, career, successes, disappointments. They still recognize Original You even through hair loss, weight gain, wrinkles, and wear and tear. They see through all that to your essence, and they recognize that it hasn’t changed since you were both children. When you are in the presence of old friends, there are glimmering moments when you feel the presence of that innocent child, Original You, once more. The distinction between friends and old friends is a profound exploration of the evolution of relationships and the enduring essence of one's true self. The essence of this dichotomy lies in the depth of understanding that old friends possess—the ability to see beyond the superficial layers of life and connect with the core of who you are.” 

I want to expand on this theme. In the realm of friendships, friends are acquainted with your current endeavours, the words you speak, and the actions you take in the present. They are witnesses to the story you are actively creating in your life—they know the products of education, marriage, career, successes, and disappointments. These valuable companions on your journey may mostly connect with the external displays of your identity.

On the reverse side, old friends go beyond the boundaries of time and circumstance. Their understanding of you extends to the origins of your existence. They remember the unvarnished version of you, untouched by the complexities that life inevitably introduces. This living connection allows them to recognize the core of your being that remains unchanged despite the passage of years.

Old friends possess an ability to see through the external changes that accompany the journey through life. Whether it's hair loss, weight gain, wrinkles, or the wear and tear of experiences, they perceive these alterations as mere enhancements to the canvas of your life story. Beneath these superficial changes, they see the familiar contours of the person they've known since childhood.

The moments spent with old friends become a portal to your past, offering glimpses of the innocence that once roamed the landscapes of your shared history. In their presence, there's a subtle magic that rekindles your original spirit. They are a reminder of the pure soul that existed before the complexities of adulthood took hold.

In essence, the distinction between friends and old friends lies in the depth of connection and understanding. Old friends are not just witnesses to your life; they are keepers of your truest self, capable of transporting you back to the unspoiled moments of your shared history. The magic of old friendships lies in the ability to transcend time, allowing your essence to persist and shine through, even as the world around you continues to change. If you are lucky enough to have old friends, make sure you keep them close. If you have old friends and have not connected with them for a while, reach out to them. It will be worth it.

Friends and friendship

For several years, Bronnie Ware sat by the bedsides of dying people and as a result, she wrote a book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. The conversations shared were personal, life-changing, and enormously insightful. Others have expanded on her work by interviewing patients in palliative care units and nursing homes who are seeing their last days on earth to share their regrets in life. Their answers were memorable and worth considering as you retire. One of the top three regrets of people who were dying was I should have made more time for my friends.

When health and youth have faded, people realize what is truly valuable they find that all their income and achievements amount to nothing in the end. What matters in those last few moments are the people who are dear to them. At that time, they tend to miss their friends.

It’s so easy to get lost in the daily grind that you forget to take care of your relationships. If you don’t intentionally stay in touch, you may lose contact with your friends through the years.  It's challenging to maintain friendships as we age, especially if we move away from the people we’ve known for a long time. Our lifestyles and interests change. If we cannot maintain contact with old friends than we need to make new friends.  Making new friends as a senior or adult can be a rewarding experience that brings joy, companionship, and a sense of belonging. But many of us forget how to make new friends, so here are some starter ideas:

Join clubs, groups, or organizations that align with your hobbies and interests. Whether it's a book club, a gardening group, or a fitness class, these shared activities provide a natural way to meet like-minded individuals.

Senior centers often offer a variety of social activities, from game nights to art classes. These centers provide a welcoming environment where you can meet people your age and form connections.

Volunteering is a fantastic way to meet others who share your passion for giving back to the community. Whether you're helping at a local charity, animal shelter, or school, you'll find kindred spirits who value the same causes.

Keep an eye out for local events, fairs, and festivals. These gatherings can be a great place to strike up conversations and meet people in your neighbourhood or town.

Many seniors are active on social media platforms and websites designed for connecting with others. You can join online groups and forums that cater to your interests or demographic and then arrange to meet people in your area.

Enroll in classes or workshops that interest you, whether it's learning a new language, taking a cooking course, or attending a writing workshop. This is an excellent opportunity to interact with others who share your learning goals.

Staying active and healthy is important for seniors, and participating in fitness classes, yoga, or walking groups can be a great way to meet new friends who prioritize health and well-being.

If you are part of a religious or spiritual community, attend services and events to connect with people who share your faith or beliefs.

If you are a college or school alum, attend alumni gatherings and reunions. Reconnecting with old acquaintances and making new ones can be quite fulfilling.

To make new friends, you need to be open to new experiences and approachable. Smile, engage in conversations, and show genuine interest in others. Don't be afraid to initiate conversations and take the first step in building connections.

Remember that making new friends takes time and effort, so be patient and persistent. Building meaningful relationships can greatly enrich your life, providing companionship and support we need.