In the Mood for fun?

Venison for dinner again? Oh, deer!

How does Moses make tea?   Hebrews it.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typ-O.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

 This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.   It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

I call my horse, Mayo. Sometimes Mayo Neighs!

 I swallowed a dictionary, it gave me thesaurus throat ever.

Where do you take someone who is injured in a “Peek a Boo” contest? The ICU.

I was struck by a bottle of Omega 3 oil. Lucky for me, my wounds were only Super Fish Oil.

Nothing comes easy in life, even Santa comes with a Clause.

 And finally

Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.

 

Twas The Night Before Christmas 2020 by Carole L. Campbell

 Twas the year 2020, and all through the house

every creature was stirring, from Human to Mouse.

The stockings were tossed on the chimney, who cares,

it's been months since we entertained, would Saint Nick even dare?

The children were nestled all snug in their beds

as visions of rubber gloves danced in their heads.

and Mama in her gaiter and me and my mask,

had just settled our brains for a long cleaning task.

When out on the roof, there arose such a clatter.

I sprang from my mop to see what was the matter.

Away to the window, I flew like a flash.

I peeked through the shutter, barely touching the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

gave me faith that someday we'd have somewhere to go.

When what do my wondering eyes should appear,

but a miniature sleigh, and eight spotless reindeer.

With a little old driver decked out in full gear,

I knew in a moment we'd have Christmas this year!

More safely than Hazmat the reindeer they came,

and he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

Now Clorox! Now Pine-Sol! Now Lysol and Purex!

On Comet! On Purell! On Top Job and Germ-X!

Wipe the top of the porch! Then the top of the wall!

Now wipe away! Wipe away!  Wipe away all!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

when they finished and then took a jump to the sky.

So up to the housetop the reindeer they flew.

With a sleigh full of masks, and Saint Nicholas too!

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,

the pawing of each little rubber-gloved hoof.

As I pulled up my mask and was turning around,

Down the chimney a big bucket came with a bound!

It was covered in plastic from bottom to top,

and the contents were sterile, despite the long drop.

I missed seeing his eyes and his dimples so merry.

But this virus prevents that, these times are so scary.

I imagined his face and his little round belly,

That shook when he laughed like hand sanitizer jelly.

but I saw him outside though, as he stood near his sleigh,

and I laughed when I saw him, from six feet away.

With a wink of his eye and a wave of his hand,

I felt warm inside, Santa too understands.

And without a word, I went right to my work.

I filled all our stockings, then turned with a jerk

And laying a finger aside of his mask,

The reindeer rose up, they had finished their task.

He waved to me then, to his team gave a shout,

and socially distancing, quickly flew out.

But I heard him proclaim as he drove out of sight,

Merry Christmas to all,  we will all be all right!

Carole L. Campbell

2020

Do you have a retirement plan?

The facts are clear, women tend to live longer than men, and tend to have less money to live on in their later years. There are many reasons, including the impact of the gender wage gap on retirement savings.

According to recent research from the Transamerica Center for Retirement Studies, just 19% of women have a written retirement plan compared with 34% of men. This may not seem like a big deal, but since not knowing where to start is a leading obstacle to retirement savings, the process of making a written plan can make a world of difference in retirement readiness.

The first step in making a written retirement plan is to identify when you'll leave the workforce. This tells you what your government benefits will be, what your deadline is for building your nest egg, and how long your money will need to support you.

When considering your retirement age, err on the side of retiring earlier rather than later. While many people plan to work well into retirement, few do. The easiest way to do this is to plan to retire at the age where you can claim your government's retirement benefit, you'll be in good shape to leave work then if you must. If it turns out you can work longer, you'll simply end up with some extra money.

Next, you'll need to figure out how much money you'll need as a retiree. There are several approaches to doing this calculation, but one of the easiest is to figure out your final salary and assume you'll need 10 times that amount. If you're 20 years away from retirement, assume a 1% raise each year from now until you leave the workforce to calculate your final salary, and then multiply that amount by 10.

Once you've got an idea of how large your nest egg needs to be, it's time to break that big number down so you'll know what to save each month to achieve it. There are lots of online calculators that can help you do that.

Setting a monthly goal makes it possible to work retirement savings into your budget and, ideally, to automate your investments so money is transferred right away to your investment account.

Investing your money can help you hit your retirement target because your invested funds will work for you. But you want to minimize the risk associated with investing -- and developing a comprehensive strategy is the best way to do that. The best way to do this is to see a Registered independent Financial Planner

Finally, keep track of your progress and make sure you're following your written plan and are on track to achieving your goal.

By taking these steps, you can make sure you're well-prepared for retirement. And it's not just women who should take them -- although of course women owe it to themselves to be just as likely to make a written plan as men. The reality is, no matter your gender, a written retirement plan is necessary to prepare for your future

Vulnerability and retirement

 Feeling vulnerable could be part of the brain’s survival design, triggering the fight or flight response which once protected us from danger. And there is research that shows that some of us are genetically more inclined to feel vulnerable than others. So, if you are wired to feel vulnerable what does that really mean?

Being vulnerable, means you are human. And it may mean you are being asked to decide. Is this really a time to protect yourself? Are you engaging with the wrong person from which to risk judgement? Then steer clear.

Or is this a time to be brave, and to step towards personal growth? To risk rejection and perhaps by doing so gaining a stronger sense of self, a feeling of being connected to others, and a sense of freedom to create the life that feels right for you, personally. If you believe it is time to be brave then think of it as just starting out on a new journey. When you start on a new journey it's only natural to feel vulnerable, like you have so much to lose. But may I remind you that never again, at any other point in the same journey, will you have so much to gain?

The best part of being human is our ability able to connect with others. We’re hardwired for it. We live in tribes and families, work in groups, love as couples and thrive in friendships. The drive to connect is in all of us whether we acknowledge it or not.

and as you embark on the new journey of retirement you should leave yourself vulnerable and open yourself to connect to others. Vulnerability is an openness to experiences, people, and uncertainty. It’s terrifying at times, and brave always. Vulnerability is the driving force of connection. It’s brave. It’s tender. But we’ve turned it into a weakness.

We’ve made ourselves ‘strong’. We’ve toughened up, hardened up and protected ourselves from being hurt. We’ve protected ourselves from vulnerability and disallowed the surrender. Here’s the problem. When we close our vulnerability, we are shielded from hurt, but we are also shielded from love, intimacy,  and connection. They come to us through the same door. When we close it to one, we close it to all.

When you retire, there is no longer a need to be strong, embrace your vulnerability and say to those you love, ‘Here I am – my frayed edges, my secrets, my fears, my affection. Be careful – they’re precious.' Doing this will build trust, closeness and a sense of belonging. Relationships won’t thrive without it.

Occasionally we get hurt. Relationship pain is an unavoidable part of being human. When this happens, we make the decision to not be vulnerable. We shut it down. By shutting down to the risks of being vulnerable, we also shut down to the possibilities – the possibility of joy, intimacy, closeness, gratitude, and connection. To enjoy your retirement leave yourself open to the possibility of happiness, affection, closeness, recognition, and attachment, you will be glad you did.