Grandma and Her Boyfriend

Some oldies but goodies for you

A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day. She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:  "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. "The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door. When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?" The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The Wise Old Sculptor

Many years ago, a smart old sculptor was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union and emigrate to the United States where his son lived. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: "What is that?" Old man: "What is that? What is that?! Do not say ‟What is that?” say ‟Who is that?” That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker’s paradise!" The official smiled and let the old man through. The old man arrived at JFK airport, where an American customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: "What is that?" Old man:" What is that? What is that?! Do not say ‟What is that?” say ‟Who is that?” That is Lenin! The bastard! I’ll put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from having a good life." The official smiled and let him through. When he arrived at his family’s house in Brooklyn, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: "Who is that, grandpa?" Old man: "Who is that? Who is that?! Don’t say ‟Who is that?” say ‟What is that?” That, my child, is thirty pounds of gold!"

The Old Lady and the Bold Question

A little old lady with blue hair entered a se* shop and asked in a quivering voice, “Yy-youuuung man, dd-do y-you, sell-l d-didildoes h-hhhere?” The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop answered, “Uh, yes ma’am, we do.” The little lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, “Dddd-do y-you ha-ave any ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?” “Well... yes ma’am, a few of them are about that big.” “D-do aa-ny of them ha-ave a v-v-v-vibra-a-ator?” “Yes ma’am, one of them does.” “W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?” 

I'm not ready yet

Many of us are in denial, those of us who are standing at the brink of change in life become frozen and unable to decide, thinking “I’m not ready yet.”

This does not just happen to us as individuals, industries can become frozen in denial, as well. For more than 300 years, watchmaking has been Switzerland’s most identifiable industry, yet there was something the industry almost did not survive: technological change. The mass production of the Industrial Revolution reduced costs, but there has always remained the cherished element of handwork in a Swiss watch.

In the United States, a quiet revolution was brewing. It was the “quartz revolution,” an electrical watch best known as the Accutron by Bulova introduced to the US market in 1960. But Swiss companies, steeped in tradition were slow to embrace quartz technology. By 1974, exports of Swiss mechanical watches which had risen to 84 million units, plummeted to 40 million units only a year later in 1973, and down to only 3 million ten years later.

In 1979, the management of the Swiss group embarked on an ambitious plan to produce its own inexpensive line of quartz watches. The watch is known as the Swatch (Swiss watch), launched in March 1983 and it was the phenomenon that put Swiss watches back on consumers’ wrists.

In looking at the history of Swiss watchmaking over the last few years, it’s clear that if the industry was not prepared and when the revolution was upon them, it took them years to respond and to regain the dominance they held for so long.

In life, the operative question to those who are frozen in life stage denial is:

 “So, you’re not ready. What are you doing to prepare for when you are ready?”

At whatever age you are at if you are frozen the above question applies, but I am talking to those of us who are ageing and are in denial about the future. As we age, many of us are not ready, we still are active, social, and financially secure. We do look at others who are older than us and notice the subtle changes they are making in our lifestyle as our bodies age. We should be taking steps that could mitigate the ravages of older age but many of us are frozen, so we are not ready. So, again the question that needs to be answered is: what are you doing to prepare for when you are ready?

 

Anxiety attack

 Many of us are fighting to stay in our own zone, and sometimes we let the demons overtake us, and we give in to our anxiety and our fear. That is ok because we live in scary times and we survived as a species because when we were afraid, we took action to fight or to flee. Sometimes it is better to flee. 

My daughter was working in Australia and they were preparing the towers for the upcoming snow season, and while up on the tower, her co-worker disturbed a nest of Huntsman spiders. My daughter was at the bottom and suddenly there were hundreds of Huntsman floating down, She got out of the way and after the initial landings the Huntsman, for the most part, ran away, and my daughter let them go. However, there were a few of the Huntsman spiders who decided to attack those that had, attacked them. The Huntsman who did that did not survive. Sometimes it is better to get away and hide for a while until things settle down.

Great advice for us older folk, but what about the kids who are caught up in the restrictions and having their world turned upside down, we need to take care of them or they will feel more and more anxious and upset. Many of them will hide it because they don't want to appear weak or they don't know what they are feeling. 

I did not believe that anxiety could shut a person down until I had a full-blown anxiety attack when I was at university. It was devastating because I had up until that point in my life, never been really out of control. I did not seek help because I did not know there was help available. I finally overcame but that one episode stayed with me. So, please if you are suffering from depression, or anxiety get help.

As we move more and more into the unknown, make sure that you talk to the children in your circle. Reassure them that even if we don't know what will happen next, we are listening to the experts who are leading us. Also, tell them that they are loved and that it is ok to be anxious and that you support them and they can talk to you about their fears and feelings and you will not be judgemental. As the Beatles said, "All we need is Love" but we have to let others know that we love and support them so they can come to us and we can get them the help they need.

Questions for Retired People

Question: How many days are there in a week? 

Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? 

Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? 

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? 

Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? 

Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies? 

Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? 

Answer: Idiot

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? 

Answer: Lunch.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? 

Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? 

Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?

 Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Question: What do you do all week? 

Answer: Monday through Friday, nothing; Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

​And now some quotes:

"There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!" Groucho Marx"I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So, I do it three or four times a day." 

"I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy." Danny