For all those grumpy old f*rts

·        When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious shite about how hard things were.

·        When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning… uphill… barefoot… both ways yadda, yadda, yadda

·        And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of shit like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!

·        But now that… I’m over the ripe old age of forty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.

·        You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a f*cking utopia!

·        And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don’t know how good you’ve got it!

·        I mean when I was a kid, we didn’t have the internet.

o   If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the bloody library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

·        There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter – with a pen!

o   Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there! The stamps were 5 pence!

·        Child protective services didn’t care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick the shit out of us! Nowhere was safe!

·        There were no mp3′ s or napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

·        Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and f*ck it all up! There were no cd players! We had tape decks in our car. We’d play our favourite tape and “eject” it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause – that’s how we rolled, dig?

·        We didn’t have fancy crap like call waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that’s it!

·        And we didn’t have fancy caller id either!

o   When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mum, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

·        We didn’t have any fancy Sony PlayStation video games with high-resolution 3-d graphics! We had the Atari 2600!

o   With games like ‘space invaders’ and ‘asteroids’. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen… forever! And you could never win.

o   The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like life!

·        You had to use a little book called a tv guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the tv to change the channel!

o   No remotes!!!

o   There was no cartoon network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait all week for cartoons, you spoiled little rat bastards!!

·        And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the cooker! Imagine that!

·        That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled. You little arseholes wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or before!

o   Regards,

o   Grumpy ole f*cker

British Humour

 In the UK, some supermarkets have admitted that there is horse meat in their home-cooked burgers. Even places like Burger King have had to admit that there are "small amounts" of horse meat in their burgers.

Tesco is a big supermarket chain in the UK. Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained 30% horse meat, the following quips hit the Internet:

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse. Thanks, Tesco!

Does anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

Not entirely sure how Tesco is going to get over this hurdle.

Had some burgers from Tesco for supper last night. I still have a bit between my teeth.

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is listed as stable.

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ... "AND THEY'RE OFF!"

Tesco is now forced to deny the presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

I said to my spouse, "These Tesco burgers give me the trots...”

"To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian.”

A cow walks into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long face?” Cow says, "Illegal ingredients are coming over here stealing our jobs!"

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead horse.

Since they're selling the meat wrapped in plastic, is that technically a "Trojan Horse?"

Instead of choosing ‘Rare, Medium or Well Done’, it's now ‘Win, Place or Show’.

At first, I thought, "Oh great, I've been saddled with another email to forward, but something spurred me to do it.”

Retirement Income

I frequently see the question “How much do you need for retirement?” It is a legitimate question that has no correct answer. I know that there are many people who want certainty and will be disappointed in the answer I have, and many others give.

When a person retires the assumption that is made is that they have three sources of income to draw on to support themselves. The first is their savings. The second is their pension and the third is their government pension. So how much income do you need?

I have heard several ways to calculate what you will need. Some experts tell us that you will need 70% of your pre-retirement income, others say you will need 80% of your pre-retirement income. Take you pick and once you have decided about what you think you need, then budget for it. I am living well on 60% of my pre-retirement income.

Everyone is different and has their unique situations so it is hard to give a good answer, but we can calculate out a retirement income for the average worker in Canada. Let's say you consider yourself the average retiree, here is how you can calculate your needs in retirement. I have heard it said that you will need over a million dollars to live comfortably in retirement.

As of January 2020, the average Canadian salary in 2020 was $1,050.59 per week for employees across the country – which means that the annual average salary for full-time employees is $54,630.68 per year. If you require 70% you need (the math is as follows $54,630.68 * .70=) $38,241.48. So, if you require 80% of your income you need, (the math is as follows ($54,630.68 * .80=) $43,704.54. 

The idea is that once you retire, you'll be able to eliminate certain expenses. You'll no longer have to save for retirement (obviously), and you might spend less on commuting expenses and other costs related to going to work. Your lifestyle will also help determine how much you will need. For example, if you plan to travel frequently in retirement, you may want to aim for 80% of your pre-retirement income. On the other hand, if you plan to pay off your mortgage before you retire or downsize your living situation, you may be able to live comfortably on less than 70%.

So, in my example, you may need between $38,241.48 and $43,704.54 a year to fund your retirement. The next question is, where will this money come from.

As said earlier you have three sources to draw on to help you.

Savings, is where we should start, and if you have no other sources of income then the question becomes how much income from my savings do I need to generate the retirement income that I need? 

The experts tell us that we should only withdraw 4% a year from our savings to fund retirement. So how much will you need in savings to generate an income of between $38,000 and $43,000 a year if you withdraw 4% a year? You would need between $625,000 and $705,000. That is a lot of money to save, but nowhere near the million-plus, the experts tell us we need. But remember in Canada we have two other sources of income when we retire.

The first is your Canada Pension Plan income. The amount of your CPP retirement pension depends on different factors, such as:

• the age you decide to start your pension

• how much and for how long you contributed to the CPP

• your average earnings throughout your working life

For 2021, the maximum monthly amount you could receive as a new recipient starting the pension at age 65 is $1,203.75. The average monthly amount in March 2021 is $ 619.44. Your situation will determine how much you’ll receive up to the maximum but you can go online and calculate the exact amount you will receive. This means if you have a Canada Pension and are the average worker, you could generate between $7,433.28 to $14,445 a year in Canada Pension.

The second source of income is the Old Age Security income. At age 65 all Canadians receive Old Age Security which is $626.49 a month or $7,517.88 a year.

What other yearly income do I have as the average Canadian from other sources to help me in retirement. 

I need between $38,000 and $43,000 a year to live in retirement, and I have between $14,900 coming in from other sources. How much savings do I need to generate an income of $23,100 (which is the difference between what I need and what I have)?

If you have a company pension then you may want to add it to the mix, as most Canadians do not have a company pension, I am not including It in the calculations of how much you should save. If you do not have a company pension, then you may want to consider savings of around $355,000. This is what you will need if you take out 4% a year as recommended by the experts. That is a lot easier to save for than one million or even $600,000. If you have a company pension and know what you will receive then add it to the mix and you may find you do not need to save as much.

It is always a good idea to try to save as much as you can for retirement, but sometimes the numbers seem daunting. The reality is that in Canada at least we have two other sources to help us when we retire, and we forget to calculate these when we look at how much we should save.

Retirement Fear

The following is from a survey of over 1,000 Americans by Zety (an online Career site)

Conclusion

Fear of retirement is real. For many people, it trumps even the fear of death or illness. And like other fears and anxieties, much of it is driven by uncertainty.

Our research has revealed that far too many people don’t know how much they’ll be able to receive in retirement. Others have no arrangements at all in place.

Here’s a reminder of our key findings:

•        When people are frightened of retirement it’s a fear worse than death for 40% and worse than poor health for 47%.

•        Younger people are more frightened of retirement than their elders.

•        25% of people say they won’t claim Social Security. 53% have no access to other pension plans and 20% say they have nothing at all for retirement.

•        According to their current financial arrangements, most people will struggle to maintain their standard of living in retirement.

There’s a ticking time bomb of future struggling seniors waiting. And their numbers are set to explode too. There were 54 million Americans aged 65 and older in the 2019 census. By 2040 that’ll hit 80 million.

Our advice is to confront your fears and start making plans for retirement, even if you’re skeptical about being able to stop working. There is plenty of help available for all sorts of circumstances.

A Google search on retirement planning will reveal a wealth of information. And if you’re having trouble cutting through the noise, take a look at the link below to a useful leaflet produced by the Department of Labor.

Retirement can be frightening, there’s no shame in feeling daunted by it. But it’s not just going to go away if you ignore it. Start taking steps, however small, to get your golden years in order.

And as promised, here’s the link to the DOL’s very useful Top Ten Ways to Prepare for Retirement. (This is a PDF file)