That Thing We Don’t Talk About

Have you ever heard the phrase, “The 200-pound gorilla in the room”? It’s a phrase that refers to a topic that nobody talks about, but it so dominates everybody’s thoughts. Everyone knows the gorilla is there, but nobody gets anxious because, after all, you don’t want to upset the gorilla.

There is a 200-pound gorilla in the room at any time being spent with a senior. It is a topic that is blatantly pertinent to any senior, but it is a topic that nobody talks about either because it’s too upsetting, or nobody knows how to talk about it. But it is a topic that weighs on the mind of every senior, and your mom and dad virtually every day. The 200-pound gorilla in the room is death and the end-of-life issues that are ahead for every senior citizen at some point or another.

As the caregiver for your mom or dad, you should be aware of how heavily the topic we don’t talk about weighs on the minds of your parents. If you have lost one parent, the surviving spouse is even more aware of the issue. But there are good reasons to remove the stigma from talking about end-of-life issues with your elderly parent. That is because there are numerous ends of life issues about which you must reach some decisions before that time actually comes along including:

·       The condition of the Will.

·       Do not Resuscitate and other advance directive document decisions to give to end of life medical personnel.

·       A review of insurance and the location of other financial documents that you, the executor of the Will or the person who has power of attorney will resolve.

·       Any desires the senior citizen might have about funeral arrangements.

In order to be able to discuss the end of life and issues related to death, you will have to be at a point emotionally where you can deal with the topic yourself. Many of us bury our thoughts of death in a mental trick we play that seems like we think we will not have to go through this part of life. We do that perhaps because we prefer to think about life or because we are uncomfortable about the discussion of the afterlife and religious ideas.

So, to get ready to be able to be a good caregiver and counsellor to your aging mom or dad, you should sit down and get some peace and resolution about the topic yourself. If that means confronting your religious anxieties, well, that is part of adulthood and those who are depending on you including your aging parents and your children may be looking to you for some answers in that area. It will take some courage but face those issues so you can be ready to help your parents face them too.

If you have a religious faith and your parents share that outlook, this is the time to review the afterlife assurances that come from your religious upbringing. By spending time with your mom or dad reviewing the doctrines of heaven and the comfort those religious texts bring, you can give them renewed hope and peace about the coming of death because they will know that passing from this life is not the end.

Don’t let the 200-pound gorilla stay in the room. Confront the issue of death with your aging parent or parents and do so with compassion and kindness. If you do, you will help your parent reach a place of peace and acceptance about what is going to happen that will benefit them for the whole of their golden years remaining on this earth.

Giving Thanks for Being a Caregiver

Much of the adjustment that goes into being a caregiver for your aging parent goes into dealing with the stress and the emotional drain that role can bring. In addition to the issues of how to care for her in the best possible way, there are the emotions of anger when programs don’t work right or when the facility, she is in has problems. There is resentment at other siblings or even at your aging parent because of the demands this job has on you personally.

There are other adjustments that are a huge drain on you emotionally. Balancing work, home and private life with the demands on your time being a caregiver requires is a juggling act that will involve as many “dropped balls” as successes before you ever get it right. And about the time you do get a good balance, the demands of your elderly parent might change, and you are again pulled back into that stressful situation.

So, you have to think about ways you can offset the demands on you and try to take some time for you and for your family. These are all difficult emotions which may be why it takes a real adult to be a caregiver for an elderly person. But there is one emotion you may wish to foster and dwell on as much as you can to offset the worry, the anxiety, the anger and the resentment. That is the emotion of thankfulness.

Now it may seem impossible to even ponder how thankfulness could become part of your emotional reaction to this demanding situation you find yourself in. But if you can find ways to be thankful that you are the caregiver for your parent, that positive emotion can do wonders to drive out those negative emotions in your heart. And when you think about it, there are quite a few great things you can be thankful for BECAUSE you are the primary caregiver for your aging parent. Some of those are…

·  You are able to give back a bit of the sacrifice they made to raise you. The amount of time and money and emotional effort your parents used upon you as a child is something that can never be repaid. But you are giving a little bit back in caring for them when they are old to say, “Thank you for raising me and never giving up on me. And now I am not going to give up on you.”

·  There would be anxiety if you were not here. If you were far away in another state, you would be a basket case if you didn’t know your mom or dad’s medical condition. So by being close, you can get the facts quickly and get them right which cuts down on all of those “what if” bad dreams about your mom and dad.

·  You always know what’s going on. There are a lot of “false alarms” with an elderly person. They need someone that can say, “It’s all right. It’s under control” to them. That someone is you.

·  You are needed and you are important to your elderly mom or dad. If ever there was a time when you felt needed not just every so often but every day and every hour of the day, it is when you are there to help your parents through this tough time of their lives.

·  Celebrate those little times of laughter and joy. Celebrate when you enjoy a movie together or laugh at those “insider” family jokes that always bring a smile. Those times will be precious to you when your parent go on to their reward someday.

There is something deep inside us that feels a sense of completion when we are able to stay with someone we love through a very tough time. Your love for your parent and between you and her will deepen and grow stronger in a way that will stay with you for the rest of your life.

 And even after your parent goes on to their eternal reward, you will be able to look back on those months when you gave all you could to make those final months of her life happy and peaceful and you will be able to say, “I did the right thing.” And that is one feeling that is irreplaceable and something you will be able to be thankful for forever.

 

There’s more to life than being a passenger.

 Amelia Earhart came perhaps before her time… the smiling, confident, capable, yet a compassionate human being, is one of which we can all be proud. Through her writing and numerous interviews, Earhart left us with many inspirational words, on everything from the joy of flying to the empowerment of women, to the simple beauty of living. Earhart was and remains an inspiration, for her bravery and determination, her modern outlook on life, and her shining personality. At this time some of us need inspiration, I hope you find them in her words

·         There’s more to life than being a passenger.

·         After midnight, the moon set, and I was alone with the stars. I have often said that the lure of flying is the lure of beauty, and I need no other flight to convince me that the reason flyers fly, whether they know it or not, is the esthetic appeal of flying.

·         Decide… whether or not the goal is worth the risks involved. If it is, stop worrying.

·         I’ve had practical experience and know the discrimination against women in various forms of industry. A pilot’s a pilot. I hope that such equality could be carried out in other fields so that men and women may achieve equally in any endeavour they set out.

·         The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure, the process is its own reward.

·         It is far easier to start something than it is to finish it.

·         The more one does and sees and feels, the more one is able to do, and the more genuine may be one’s appreciation of fundamental things like home, and love, and understanding companionship.

·         Never interrupt someone doing something you said couldn’t be done.

·         This modern world of science and invention is of particular interest to women. For the lives of women have been more affected by its new horizons than those of any other group.

·         I know a great many boys who should be making pies – and a great many girls who would be better off in manual training. There is no reason why a woman can’t hold any position in aviation providing she can overcome prejudices and show ability.

·         [The cross country air derby for women] was generally called the “powder puff derby” and those who flew in it variously as “Ladybirds,” “Angels” or “Sweethearts of the Air.” (We are still trying to get ourselves called just “pilots.”)

·         Who would refuse an invitation to such a shining adventure?

·         Please know I am aware of the hazards. I want to do it because I want to do it. Women must try to do things as men have tried. When they fail, their failure must be but a challenge to others.

·         Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace.

·         The most effective way to do it, is to do it.

·         Preparation, I have often said, is rightly two-thirds of any venture.

·         Young people and old people, too, are too timid about experimenting, trying their little adventures, flying their own Atlantics. Step out! Try the job you are interested in! Use the talents which give you joy! There’s plenty of time.

·         A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make a new tree

 

Rules, rules, everywhere there are rules.

I just finished reading a digested version of a book called 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos by Jordan B Peterson. I thought it was an interesting read and from it grew other rules. The first one I read was My 12 rules for work, and then a response to My 12 rules for work.

If you love rules and believe that rules are made by those who know what they are doing, then having someone write the rules for you makes it easier to navigate live. However, if you are not a big believer in rules, or understand that rules are usually made up by people who don’t know anything but are trying to remove chaos from their lives, then these rules are an interesting read at least and at most a set of rules to be ignored.

If you are interested in the rules for life, then I suggest you read the book to get an understanding of what the author means. Rules usually need interpretation and for the most part, do not stand on their own.

First here are the digested version of the 12 rules of life

·        Stand up straight with your shoulders back."

·        "Treat yourself like you are someone you are responsible for helping."

·        "Make friends with people who want the best for you."

·        "Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today."

·        "Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them."

·        "Set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world."

·        "Pursue what is meaningful (not what is expedient)."

·        "Tell the truth — or, at least, don’t lie."

·        "Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don’t."

·        "Be precise in your speech."

·        "Do not bother children when they are skateboarding."

·        "Pet a cat when you encounter one on the street

Here are some rules for work 

·        Never forget work is much bigger than what you do.

·        Although you are good at what you do, remember that doesn't mean you are good at everything.

·        The person that you forgot about will throw a wrench into what you want to accomplish.

·        When someone asks if there are any questions... ask one.

·        Work is an intellectual pursuit, not an emotional one.

·        You know your business when you know your numbers.

·        Nothing gets done without good people.

·        You will get nothing done without objectives and expectations.

·        It is better to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission.

·        Measure as much as you can.

·        Raise the bar once you think you know what you are doing.

·        People don't pay for easy.

More rules for work

·        Be passionate about your work, or at least find an element of it that excites you.

·        Be prepared to do your best work. Be on time and get organized

·        Dress the part. Never show up looking like a slob.

·        Be open to ideas and input from others. Two heads are better than one.

·        Make decisions and move forward.

·        Establish deadlines and adhere to them

·        Establish objectives and meet them.

·        Be flexible enough to change your objectives or path if it no longer seems relevant or appropriate.

·        Share the load by offering help to others and by accepting help from others.

·        Admit your mistakes and dare to learn from them.

·        Be light-hearted. Nobody wants to work with miserable people.

·        Be brave and do the right thing, even when nobody else is.

Finally, my rules for retirement

1.            Find your passion

2.            Understand that you are in control of your time and your resources

3.            Be open to adventures 

4.            Ignore most deadlines, because in retirement deadlines are self-imposed

5.            Admit your mistakes and correct them.

6.            Forgive yourself for all the mistakes you made when working

7.            Smile and look on the positive

8.            Continue to do the right thing for you

9.            Learn new things

10.        Be open to new ideas.

11.        Show your love to those closest to you

12.        Help and support your children and grandchildren.