Happy Anniversary to my wife

 A few years ago, one of my close friends was talking about his wedding. Out of curiosity, I asked when he was married and he said August 9th, 1969. I said we share the same day, we were married on the same day. It turns out we were also married at the same time 2:00 in the afternoon but in different suburbs of Vancouver, My wife and I were married in Coquitlam and he and his wife were married in White Rock. Now at the time, when we both were married we did not know each other. I found out a while later that 5 of my friends I had acquired through work were also married on the same day.  It may be true that people with like souls do the same things sometimes at the same time.

A popular day that has favoured long-term relationships, as all of the people I mentioned have been married for 53 years. so first a big anniversary wish for my wife and to all my friends who are celebrating with us. I am not sure any of us has the secret to long-term relationships except that we all work very hard at keeping our relationships fresh and we all picked a great day to get married.

Time can mean so much

 Time is different in later life. Having expended so much energy in our youth, we are less willing or unable to summon the energy and enthusiasm for a repeat of earlier initiatives. As we reinvent ourselves, we may gaze upon the paraphernalia of our prior employment, such as tools, books, and credentials and struggle to come to terms with the probability that these will no longer be needed as we move forward. These props can evoke nostalgia for the end of a career even though some of us will retain them in the faint hope that they might once again become useful.

Some do not retire. Others shift to part-time work and thereby avoid some of the difficulties experienced by those who leave their former careers completely behind. Because of the high value placed on work in our society, those retirees who have problems developing new initiatives may experience guilt about whether they are doing enough. But it can be difficult to follow through on initiatives because many in our society expect seniors to confine/herself to lives centred on recreation, relaxation, and travel.

It is important, nevertheless, for those of us who have retired to search for meaningful projects and recreational activities. Meaningful initiatives in later life are different from those of the earlier stages. If finances are adequate, meaning and life satisfaction–rather than economic necessity and ambition–are more likely to be the criteria that influence their choice of activities, projects, or employment

Choices may be difficult

 Going to work, being engaged, and being productive may take time to fade, especially if these activities have high fundamental value in terms of us. Such values can create ambivalence for those who are making the transition to retirement.

The percentage of seniors in care is low, but because ageism is so prevalent in our society as we age, we have an increased fear of too much dependency on caretakers be they, relationship partners or professionals. Physical dependency restricts life choices and can overburden caretakers. The deterioration of vision, hearing, and memory can also threaten personal autonomy. Even though the odds are against this happening we have an overwhelming fear of being too dependent.

After the initial excitement of being retired, we may settle down to making necessary adjustments. Some of us find that a busy schedule of recreational activities does not provide long-term meaning. But the question arises: What do I do in retirement apart from recreation, hobbies, and travel?

When you first retire some may have a need to visit their old workplace. This is a mistake as the visit can produce feelings of powerlessness and isolation. When a person is first retired, they try to find new activities and projects to replace those lost to retirement. However, there is also the desire not to work hard when developing new projects. These feelings make it more difficult for some to look for projects and activities that are not a rerun of what they have already accomplished. The loss of the stimulation and meaning provided by their former employment, however, may draw some retirees back to their former work role, either in a part- or full-time capacity.

The basic question of What do I do with my retirement? is difficult to answer. Some of us find that taking it easy only prevails for a while until dissatisfaction mounts and the search for some meaningful activity occurs. The search is made more difficult by the large number of possibilities from which choices can be made. Because this choice dilemma occurs in retirement it should be faced with the enthusiasm of a younger person who is just beginning a career.

A life review

Retirement is a time for a life review. Some of the issues to look at include questions about which roles and identities we present to others when we retire and try to re-invent ourselves. We may have to face the fact that we did or did not reach the goals we set for ourselves related to our careers, family lives, and social relationships. 

When we acknowledge that we are closer to the end of life we may face questions about the very meaning of life. Death becomes more difficult to ignore as those around us die.

This is especially true for those of us who outlive our contemporaries. There is also the possibility that guilt, for those of us who believe that we lived a less than satisfactory life and this can lead to self-condemnation and depression, in some.

Although individual identity issues vary, one theme seems to be common. The questions raised are:

• Who am I, apart from the roles I have been playing?
• What, in short, is the second half of life if it is not to repeat the script and expectations of the first half of life?

Once retired, some of us begin to appreciate how much of our identity, especially for men was intertwined with their work. The loss of relationships, challenges, and activities associated with work can be painful losses that many people overlook as they contemplate retirement. 

The prospect of relief from a demanding or unsatisfying job in exchange for the prospect of freedom to do other things can be irresistible but is not necessarily lasting. Before you retire you should consider the question, What will I do with my life from now on? As you look back on your life, some may want to  think about this questions:

• I have done the expected things, according to my best understanding of myself and the world, so why does my life not feel right? 
• Some of the things I have done have been good, productive, and consistent with my inner values, and some have not. 

So, if my life is not feeling right, I may need to explore and refresh my understanding of self. This is a painful task and some of the questions asked may have painful answers. Many of us may eventually experience a discrepancy between what we sought, served, and accomplished, and what we feel in our hearts.

The void left by the absence of not only work but also much of the social activity associated with the workplace can create doubt as to how life in retirement will turn out. It is similar to “buyer’s remorse. You might ask yourself: Did I make the right decisions? 

Not knowing whether deciding to retire is the right choice can cause anxiety resulting in avoidance and delay. Many people do not retire when they plan for many reasons one of which is decision paralysis. 

Anxiety about trusting oneself to make the right decision often leads to procrastination of retirement plans. At this time in life, if you have a good track record of decision making you will probably feel confident about deciding and coping with the future. If your anxiety is high and your self-confidence low, you may be unwilling to trust yourself to make good decisions.