The Caregiver’s Emotions

There is a balance between the jobs of a caregiver and the feelings of a caregiver. If you can detach yourself from the many emotions, you feel when you have taken on this hard job, many of the “tasks” are fairly routine. Whether it’s doing your mom and dad’s laundry or grocery shopping or paying the bills or filling out the Medicare paperwork, much of the “stuff” of being a caregiver is pretty humdrum.

But just doing the chores of taking care of your aging parent’s physical needs is not all there is to being a caregiver. If that was all there was to it, you could hire someone to handle that. No, the challenge of being a good caregiver for your elderly parent is the emotional support you give to them as they struggle with a tough part of their life.

This is particularly true if you are helping your mom or dad through the trials of a terminal illness. Even if they are good at putting up a brave front for the grandkids and the people at church, your mom or dad experience a gamut of feelings if the end of their lives is directly ahead due to that illness. 

The caregiver’s emotions at helping your parent deal with this somber realization are tremendously complex. You have your personal emotions that are a preliminary form of grief. That is why at the funeral of a senior citizen who passed away from a lingering disease, the caregiver doesn’t seem to be grieving as much as others. The truth is the caregiver gets most of her grieving out of the way while the senior is still here, and they work together to cope with the decline and passing as best they can. So, by the funeral, the caregiver is usually “all grieved out.”

But your emotions about how you feel about your loved one and about this job of taking care of mom or dad in their final months or years will have a direct effect on how you go about the job of taking care of your mom or dad and how you feel about that job as well. The two emotions most commonly associated with taking care of an elderly person in decline are pity and compassion.

Pity is not really a good summary of the feelings you have about taking care of your elderly parent or parents. You don’t really “feel sorry for them” the same way you might feel toward a hurt puppy or a baby that cries. Pity is not an action emotion. The action emotion that doesn’t just look at the suffering or unhappiness of the parent and say, “that’s a shame” is compassion. Compassion sees a need in the elderly parent and doesn’t just feel bad about it. Compassion says, “There’s a need. What can I do about it?” Compassion is the genuine emotion of a caregiver.

Can you influence whether you will react with pity or compassion to your elderly parent? Yes, and how you manage your emotions will be a big factor in how successful you are as a caregiver. There are three key tips you should keep in mind constantly to help you manage not only your emotions but how you react to problems that come up in your care giving. They are…

Focus on the one you are caring for, not on yourself. Focusing on yourself breeds self pity and resentment. Focusing on them builds bonding and affection for your mom or dad.

Focus on the solution to the problem, not its effects. A good doctor doesn’t cure symptoms, he cures the disease. Don’t dwell on how bad something is but on what can you do to eliminate the problem entirely.

Focus on creating joy and happiness, not grief and sadness. Look for the good in a day. Look for joyful moments, times when you and your elderly parent can laugh, enjoy a meal or a good movie and use this time for fellowship and being together. That is the real joy of being a caregiver and one only you will enjoy in its fullest.

If you use these three “marching orders” of being a caregiver, your emotions will get in line, and you will function out of compassion and not pity. Then your emotions will become powerful aids in your goals to help your elderly parent.

Listening to Your Parents, Even Now

Have you ever visited your aging parents, ready to tackle housework or caregiving tasks, only to find them more interested in chatting than having their space tidied up? You might arrive with a long to-do list, determined to help them maintain a clean and comfortable home, but your parent seems intent on slowing you down with stories and conversations. While it can be frustrating, their need for connection might be far more significant than the chores you had planned.

It’s important to recognize that your role as a caregiver goes beyond chores, errands, and practical help. While those tasks are valuable, your unique role stems from the bond you share with your parent. You’re not just a helper—you’re their connection to family, memories, and a sense of belonging. This emotional support plays a vital role in their self-esteem and overall well-being.

When you visit, your parents may have stories, reflections, or thoughts they’ve been saving to share with you. Listening to them isn’t just polite; it’s an affirmation of their value and a way to strengthen your relationship. Being a good listener means truly engaging, not just nodding along or multitasking while they talk.

A great way to balance your caregiving duties with the need for connection is to dedicate time to simply sit and talk when you first arrive. Start your visit with a cup of tea, coffee, or a snack, and give them your undivided attention for about 30 minutes. This focused time allows your parent to share what’s on their mind, whether it’s memories, trivial observations, or personal concerns. Listen actively—ask questions, laugh at their jokes, and show genuine interest in what they’re saying.

When it’s time to move on to tasks, transition gently. You might say, “That was such a nice chat, Mom. I think I’ll start tidying up the kitchen. Why don’t you sit nearby, and we can keep talking while I work?” This approach keeps the conversation flowing while you tackle your chores, allowing your parent to feel included and valued rather than sidelined.

It’s also important not to filter or dismiss what they share. Even trivial or repetitive stories serve a purpose, building a bridge of communication and trust. Just as with children, those “small talk” moments lay the foundation for addressing more complex or serious issues. Be patient, stay open, and let the conversation unfold naturally. Once your parent feels safe and heard, they’re more likely to confide in you about bigger concerns, such as health challenges or emotional struggles.

Listening is an art that requires time and attention, but it pays off immeasurably. By being a compassionate listener, you not only deepen your bond but also foster a sense of security and partnership. This connection can make caregiving a collaborative experience, where both you and your parent feel supported and understood.

 

Lexophiles may love the following as each to his/her own..

 I wondered why the frisbee kept getting bigger... then it hit me.

I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

I bought a boat because it was on sail.

I once worked at a calendar factory but got fired for taking a few days off.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.

I told my carpenter friend not to drill too deeply; he found it boring.

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh, deer! 

 A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

 I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. 

 Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

 England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. 

 I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. 

 They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo. 

 I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now. 

 Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. 

 I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. 

 I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. 

 This girl said that she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore. 

 When chemists die, they barium. 

 I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down. 

 I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. 

 Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. 

 I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

 Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils? 

 When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. 

 Broken pencils are pointless. 

 What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus. 

 I dropped out of the Communism Class because of lousy Marx. 

  All the toilets in the Kaiapoi police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on. 

 I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

 Velcro … what a rip-off!

 Don’t worry about old age … it doesn’t last long. 

Guilt Helps Nobody

Being a caregiver for a retired parent is often more challenging than simply helping with chores or paperwork. If caregiving were about physical tasks, it might be exhausting, but it wouldn’t feel so emotionally draining. The real toll comes from the emotional complexities that naturally arise in this role, especially when guilt starts to seep into the relationship between you and your parent.

Guilt can be a quiet but heavy presence in caregiving. For many seniors, guilt comes from feeling like a burden. They may not have explicitly asked for your help, but they see the sacrifices you’re making—time away from your family, work, and personal life—and they feel responsible. This guilt is often compounded by the major life changes they’re experiencing. Losing their home, giving up driving, or moving to assisted living can feel like a string of losses that leave them questioning their worth. It’s common for a parent to think, “If only I hadn’t grown old, none of this would have happened.”

For caregivers, guilt often comes from a different angle. You may feel like you’re never doing enough, even when you’re giving your all. Comments from your parent, like “I wish you didn’t have to leave” or complaints about their circumstances, can amplify these feelings. It’s easy to internalize their frustrations as a reflection of your own shortcomings, even when that’s not the case.

The truth is guilt doesn’t serve either of you. It doesn’t make caregiving easier, nor does it improve your parent’s quality of life. To build a healthier, more supportive relationship, it’s important to tackle guilt head-on.

One of the most effective ways to address guilt is to talk about it openly. Sit down with your parent and acknowledge the unspoken emotions. Reassure them that it’s not their fault they’ve aged or need assistance, just as it wasn’t your fault when you needed their care as a child. Frame the caregiving relationship as a continuation of the bond you’ve shared throughout life, rather than a one-sided sacrifice.

By removing guilt from the equation, you create space for mutual respect and understanding. This allows you to function as a team rather than adversaries. A team approach doesn’t mean denying the challenges or pretending everything is perfect, but it does mean working together with honesty and compassion to navigate the complexities of caregiving.

In the end, caregiving is an opportunity to strengthen your connection with your parent, not a source of blame or regret. By addressing guilt and focusing on teamwork, you can foster a relationship that uplifts both of you during this stage of life.