What does it mean to emotionally heal?

It means that you:

Know what you are thinking or doing that causes fear, anxiety, depression, guilt, fear, anger, jealousy, and so on, and how to learn from and heal these painful feelings.

No longer turn to addictions to avoid loneliness, heartache, heartbreak, sorrow or grief because you know how to manage and release these painful feelings. 

Do not feel like a victim of others' choices and instead operate from a place of personal power, taking loving care of yourself rather than being reactive. 

Are able to manifest the gifts you have been given and spend your time in what brings you joy. 

Know how to fill yourself with love and share love with others rather than trying to get love and approval from others.

Groooaaannnerrr Warning!!

A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me" she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Alfred whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Alfred, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's freakin' raining, of course you stupid idiots!!" he screamed, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" 

The man quietly replied: "Rude Alf the Red knows rain, dear!"

Change and age

I was at my 50th high school reunion, the other day and it was fun to see people and to catch up  and travel down memory lane. I was reminded of the fact that the only constant in life is change. People talked about their lives and the changes they went through. As they  changed, they had to make many adjustments, and these for some were unsettling.  So I started thinking about age and wondered how we in the world, define old age.

From the United Nations I found this: “Most developed world countries have accepted the chronological age of 65 years as a definition of 'elderly' or older person, but like many westernized concepts, this does not adapt well to the situation in Africa. While this definition is somewhat arbitrary, it is many times associated with the age at which one can begin to receive pension benefits. At the moment, there is no United Nations standard numerical criterion, but the UN agreed cutoff is 60+ years to refer to the older population.”

Although there are commonly used definitions of old age, it has changed over the years as far back as 1875, in Britain, the Friendly Societies Act, enacted the definition of old age as, "any age after 50"

In many parts of the developing world, chronological time has little or no importance in the meaning of old age. Other socially constructed meanings of age are more significant such as the roles assigned to older people; in some cases it is the loss of roles accompanying physical decline, which is significant in defining old age.

This transition from a contributing member of society to a non-contributing member became the basis for the definition of old age which occurred between the ages of 45 and 55 years for women and between the ages of 55 and 75 years for men.

Thus, in contrast to the chronological milestones which mark life stages in the developed world, old age in many developing countries is seen to begin at the point when active contribution is no longer possible.

Study results published in 1980 provides a basis for a definition of old age in developing countries (Glascock, 1980). This international anthropological study was conducted in the late 1970's and included multiple areas in Africa. Definitions fell into three main categories: 1) chronology; 2) change in social role (i.e. change in work patterns, adult status of children and menopause); and 3) change in capabilities (i.e. invalid status, senility and change in physical characteristics). Results from this cultural analysis of old age suggested that change in social role is the predominant means of defining old age.

 From Wikipedia came this: A Pew Research Center study of 2,929 Americans, age 18+, found that they hold very different definitions of old age. Respondents up to early 30's said that old age begins at 60, but respondents 65+ said 74

Most Britons define old age as starting at 59 according to a survey of 2,200 people in the UK. The under 25s reckon 54 as the beginning of old age. The 80+ define old age as starting at 68.  Another survey concluded that most Britons define the onset of old age as almost 70. Europeans on average set the start of old age at 62.

Physical marks of old age include the following:

• Bone and joint. Old bones are marked by “thinning and shrinkage.” This results in a loss of height (about two inches by age 80), a stooping posture in many people, and a greater susceptibility to bone and joint diseases such as osteoarthritis and osteoporosis.

• Chronic diseases. Most older persons have at least one chronic condition and many have multiple conditions. In 2007-2009, the most frequently occurring conditiouns among older persons in the United States were uncontrolled hypertension (34%), diagnosed arthritis (50%), and heart disease (32%).

• Dental problems. Less saliva and less ability for oral hygiene in old age increases the chance of tooth decay and infection.

• Digestive system. About 40% of the time, old age is marked by digestive disorders such as difficulty in swallowing, inability to eat enough and to absorb nutrition, constipation and bleeding.

• Eyesight. Diminished eyesight makes it more difficult to read in low lighting and in smaller print. Speed with which an individual reads and the ability to locate objects may also be impaired.

• Falls. Old age spells risk for injury from falls that might not cause injury to a younger person  Every year, about one-third of those 65 years old and over half of those 80 years old fall. Falls are the leading cause of injury and death for old people.

• Hair usually becomes thinner and grayer.

• Hearing. By age 75 and older, 48% of men and 37% of women encounter impairments in hearing. Of the 26.7 million people over age 50 with a hearing impairment, only one in seven uses a hearing aid.

• Hearts are less efficient in old age with a resulting loss of stamina. In addition, atherosclerosis can constrict blood flow.^[

• Immune function. Less efficient immune function (Immunosenescence) is a mark of old age

• Lungs expand less well; thus, they provide less oxygen

• Pain afflicts old people at least 25% of the time, increasing with age up to 80% for those in nursing homes.^[  Most pains are rheumatological or malignant.

• Sexual activity decreases significantly with age, especially after age 60, for both women and men.   Sexual drive in both men and women decreases as they age.^[
• Skin loses elasticity, becomes drier, and more lined and wrinkled.^[

• Sleep trouble holds a chronic prevalence of over 50% in old age and results in daytime sleepiness  In a study of 9,000 persons with a mean age of 74, only 12% reported no sleep complaints.  By age 65, deep sleep goes down to about 5%.

• Taste buds diminish so that by age 80 taste buds are down to 50% of normal. Food becomes less appealing and nutrition can suffer.

• Urinary incontinence is often found in old age.

• Voice. In old age, vocal cords weaken and vibrate more slowly. This results in a weakened, breathy voice that is sometimes called an “old person’s voice.”

Mental marks of old age include the following.

• Adaptable describes most people in their old age. In spite the stressfulness of old age, they are described as “agreeable” and “accepting.” However, old age dependence induces feelings of incompetence and worthlessness in a minority.

• Caution marks old age. This antipathy toward “risk-taking” stems from the fact that old people have less to gain and more to lose by taking risks than younger people.

• Depressed mood. According to Cox, Abramson, Devine, and Hollon (2012), old age is a risk factor for depression caused by prejudice (i.e., “deprejudice”). When people are prejudiced against the elderly and then become old themselves, their anti-elderly prejudice turns inward, causing depression. “People with more negative age stereotypes will likely have higher rates of depression as they get older.”  Old age depression results in the over-65 population having the highest suicide rate.

• Fear of crime in old age, especially among the frail, sometimes weighs more heavily than concerns about finances or health and restricts what they do. The fear persists in spite of the fact that old people are victims of crime less often than younger people.

• Mental disorders afflict about 15% of people aged 60+ according to estimates by the World Health Organization. Another survey taken in 15 countries reported that mental disorders of adults interfered with their daily activities more than physical problems.

• Reduced mental and cognitive ability afflicts old age. Memory loss is common in old age due to the decrease in speed of information being encoded, stored, and retrieved. It takes more time to learn new information.  Dementia is a general term for memory loss and other intellectual abilities serious enough to interfere with daily life. Its prevalence increases in old age from about 10% at age 65 to about 50% over age 85. Alzheimer's disease accounts for 50 to 80 percent of dementia cases. Demented behavior can include wandering, physical aggression, verbal outbursts, depression, and psychosis.

•  Set in one’s ways describes a mind-set of old age.  A study of over 400 distinguished men and women in old age found a “preference for the routine.” Explanations include old age’s toll on the “fluid intelligence” and the “more deeply entrenched” ways of the old.

Interviews handling difficult questions

Many employment questions are designed to test some quality such as your mental alertness or self-awareness. These are called key questions.

Several key questions are below. If you are asked any key questions, you must be prepared to give logical answers.  To help you start thinking about responses, some questions for discussion are presented. Prepare your own answers to the key questions.

What is the minimum salary you would accept?
1. What is likely to happen if you state too high a sal¬ary? What might happen if you state too low a salary? The employer will know that you have not done your research. The employer will know that you either have a high opinion of yourself or you have too low an opinion of yourself.

2. If the job advertisement does not state a salary, how could you find out what the "going rate" is for the job you are applying for? You could check the local library or you could ask contacts in the industry to find out the going rate. You could talk to local manpower counsellors and ask them the going rate for the position.

3. If your state open, in response to this question, what might the employer think about you? The employer will wonder what you think about yourself or wonder why you have not done your research.

Why are you interested in employment with out company? OR... Why do you want this job?
1. Why would an employer want to know about your interests in the company or job? Employers are looking for long-term employees. They want people who share their interest in the future of the company. They are also looking for someone to meet their needs. This is an opportunity for you to state that position.

2. How could you use this question to your advantage when you are applying for a job? This is a point where you can state or reinforce how your skills will help the employer meet their needs.

Are your prepared to work wherever a position is available? Or... Would you be willing to accept a transfer to another location?
1. This question is often asked by large companies with operations in several areas and by governments. Why do you think this question is asked? Many times an employer may not have an opening at the location you want. There may be openings at other locations. This is a test question, it tests how much you are willing to put the best interest of the company ahead of your personal interests.

2. What might happen if you said that you would be willing to accept a transfer without meaning it? You may be offered a position you do not want, or you may be asked to transfer soon after you are hired. If you do not take the transfer, you may be forced to leave, or you may be fired.

What special skills or abilities do you have that are directly related to the job for which you are applying?
1. This type of question is usually followed by a silence in which you must give a comprehensive answer. What kind of information would the employer be seeking? What is the employer trying to determine if she/he times you while you are answering this question? The employer is checking how well prepared you were for the interview. Many interviewers may use your response to judge how serious you are about wanting the job. 

What position or type of position do you hope to obtain with this company?
1. Why does this question almost always appear? Employers are looking for applicants who are interested in their future, who have done their homework and who are ambitious. Many interviewers believe that your response will tell them how ambitious you are. 

2. What kind of impression would an applicant make by answering, anything? The impression would be a poor one, because the applicant had not done any research either into the company's needs or the applicants strengths. Interviewers would not be impressed by this answer.

Where did you learn about this position?
1. Why do you think the employer wants this information? The employer wants to find out how much effort you put into finding the job. They may also want to talk to the person who referred you, if that person works for the company or is known to the employer.

What kind of employer do you prefer?
1. What type of information is an employer seeking here? The employer is trying to find out if you will fit into their management style and be successful.

What did you like and dislike about your past employers? OR.... How did your previous employers treat you?
1. This is a trick question. What is likely to happen if you complain about or criticize a past employer? The employer may think you will criticize them when you leave. They will also not hire you, if you respond in a negative way about your previous employer. A good response would be. My previous employer taught me a lot about how to deal with people. (Use this if your previous employer was mean, tight-fisted and rude to people.) 

2. How could you describe things you did not like about past employers without appearing critical? A good response would be I learned to.... (if your employer was rude say be polite at all times...if your employer was critical of you say accept criticism with patience) 

Describe yourself. OR.... What kind of person you are?
1. What kind of information is an employer trying to get by asked this question? The employer is trying to find out how well you know yourself. 

2. What is likely to happen if you brag about yourself? What might happen if you are too modest? Bragging about yourself can lead to the job if you do it correctly. You should use examples that back up every statement that you think may sound like bragging. Remember, employers are looking for people who are self-confident. If you are too modest, you may not get the position.

Why did you leave your last job?
1. What might happen if you do not tell the truth when you are answering the question? If you are hired and the employer finds out, you will be fired. Always tell the truth when applying for a job.

2. What is likely to happen if you do tell the truth ...that you were fired from your previous job? You may not get the job. Do not say I was fired and leave it at that. You should state the reason and explain what you learned from the experience. You may have a chance at getting hired if you can explain the circumstances and the reasons clearly to your next employer.

End of Life planning

Those of us who are over 60 are enjoying life to the full. So, it’s no surprise that end of life planning is the last thing on our minds. When we do think about death, our concerns tend to be for the family and friends that we would leave behind. So, there’s the dilemma. We don’t want to think about our mortality. But, we still want to make sure that our loved ones would be taken care of, should the unexpected happen. Fortunately, end of life planning doesn't need to be depressing.

Think about what's right for you. What are my values, beliefs and understanding about end of life care and specific medical procedures?

Learn! There are many medical procedures that can be offered at the end of life. Some may improve your quality of life, others may only prolong life. Different people have different thoughts about these procedures.

Record - It's a good idea to write down your wishes, or make a recording or video about your wishes for end of life care. Find out what forms are available in your province or territory.

Review your plan regularly, especially when something in your life changes. Continue the conversation!

Choose your Substitute Decision Maker. Choose someone who would honor and follow your wishes, and is able to speak for you if you can't speak for yourself.

Talk about your wishes with your Substitute Decision Maker, family members and friends who are important to you. Tell your health care team. If you have a written plan, make sure they have a copy.

Ideally, this should be a two-way conversation. In a perfect world, we would sit down with our children and have a rational discussion. Unfortunately, for most people, especially the young, death is not an easy topic. 

Breaking the Taboo Around Death
Death doesn't have to be scary. If you come from a family that avoids “unpleasant” topics, perhaps it would help to introduce them to one of the following two organizations. Both groups provide blueprints for how to talk about death with friends and loved ones.

Death over Dinner: This website was founded by a group of medical professionals and wellness experts, who were concerned about the disconnect in the American health care system between how Americans say they would prefer to die (at home) and how they actually are more likely to die (in hospitals or care facilities). Their website provides interactive tools and helps people to host “Death Dinners.” These events facilitate conversations with the intention of allowing people to face death on their own terms.

Death Café: This website provides resources to help people talk about death with the people they love most. It facilitates conversations about how you want to die, what you want to have with you on your final journey and what is most important to you in life. The site promises “an uplifting interactive adventure that transforms this seemingly difficult conversation into one of deep engagement, insight and empowerment.” Check out the Death Café website for more details, or to find a Death Café location near you.

Planning a Funeral
If you want to make your funeral wishes clear, here are a few things your loved-ones might want to know.
Making Your Wishes Known. If you’re planning your own, talk with your family about your funeral wishes to make sure they know what you want. Having a verbal conversation about your wishes will paint a better picture for your loved ones than written requests. Consult with your attorney before you finalize anything. Keep a written record of your funeral arrangements close at hand, perhaps in a file cabinet at home, rather than in a safe deposit box. You’ll want you family to have timely access to your records when they need them.  

Most guests at a funeral will bring flowers or have them sent unless they are instructed otherwise. If you would rather your guest donate money to a charity in lieu of flowers, you can make that request in the obituary and by word of mouth. Be sure to include instructions on where to send donations. Examples of charities to donate to:

• the hospice agency that cared for you loved one
• the cancer or other society of the illness your loved one had (such as The American Heart Society if your loved one had heart disease)
• a charity that your loved one regularly donate

Donating Organs
If you’d like to be an organ donor, please make your wishes known in advance.

Choosing Burial or Cremation
Cremation has become much more popular in recent years. There are also “green funeral” solutions like Bios Urn, where your ashes can be used to plant a tree. 

Deciding Where to be Buried
If you are religious, would you like your funeral to be held at a church, temple or other house of worship? Or would you prefer a less formal memorial service? Would you like your loved ones to gather at your house, at a favorite restaurant, in a park or another place with special meaning to you?

Selecting Music and Words
Do you have a favorite song or poem or passage from a book that you would love your family to hear as they share in your memory?

Choosing Who to Invite
Who are the loved ones that you would be most honored to see gathered to celebrate your life after you’re gone? Perhaps there are even a few people you do not want to attend.

Taking Care of Paperwork, Business and Wills
If you haven’t already, organize an appointment with an estate planning attorney to get your affairs in order. Think about making a living will, including medical directives in case you become incapacitated by illness or injury. If you are married, talk with your spouse and make sure that you are listed as beneficiaries of each other’s assets (pensions, life insurance policies, etc.) 

Managing Your Digital Assets
It might sound silly, but, deciding how to handle your “digital assets” is more important than you might think. After all, who gets access to your e-mail address after you die? Would you like your family to have access to all of your messages? Or, would you prefer that they stay private? If you want your family to have access to your online accounts, consider making a big binder, with a list of all of your usernames and passwords. It’s much easier to specify in advance who should have access, rather than leaving your loved-ones to struggle with the powers that be at Google, Yahoo, Microsoft or Facebook

End of life planning is a complex and multi-faceted topic. If you’d like to start today to get some practical help with end of life planning, 

Ironically, planning for a time when you will be gone frees you up to make the most of what is left of your amazing life.