Social situations are among the most important in our
lives. Yet, there is a huge chance that you are oblivious to the plethora of
unwritten social rules that structure everybody’s behaviour.
Failing to comply
to these cultural imprints can cause irreversible damage. Just following them
blindly will not get you ahead. However, if you use some of these you may get better results when dealing with other people
1) Assume comfort in any interaction.
Our brain is an incredibly complicated instrument. Our
relationship with it, is a love-hate one. We think we have control over it but
usually something unconscious dictates our actions.
In most of our social interactions, we find it difficult
to feel comfortable among strangers because our brain tries to protect us from
exposure.
This however isn't helping us when trying to be social
and meet new people, is it?
This is why assuming comfort is so powerful. Commanding
your brain to feel that you already know the person you are about to meet puts
you in a position of advantage. It increases the chances of people showing
interest in you and consequently even liking you.
2) Pay attention to people’s feet when you
are approaching them.
Interrupting people when they are in the middle of an
important conversation is one of the most annoying things to do. It shows that
you have zero knowledge of social dynamics which will lead to unpleasant
social situations.
When you approach a group of people while in a
conversation, pay attention to their bodies. If they turn only their torsos and
not their feet, it means they are in the middle of an important conversation
and they don’t want you to interrupt them.
If they turn both torso and feet, it means you are
welcome. This is extremely important, because the right timing in such
situations may put you in a position of advantage, especially if the
conversation was boring for both sides.
3) Whenever you have an argument with
someone, stand next to them and not in front of them.
We’ve all been in situations where out of nowhere the
conversation started escalating.
Unless you love drama, I would suggest you to avoid these
situations. You might have the best argument in the world, but usually people
get irritated when they feel they are wrong.
So, whenever you feel that the argument you have with
another person (especially friends – it’s not cool to fight with friends)
creates tension, move next to them. You won’t appear much of a threat, and they
will eventually calm down.
4) Whenever you need a favour, open with “I
need your help.”
Admit it. We all love to get others to do stuff for us.
Either because we are lazy, or because we really need some help to complete a
task.
Social dynamics show that when it comes to platonic
relationships, nobody really likes an asshole. So whenever you need a favour,
start your sentence with “I need your help.”
In most cases, people will accept your request and help
you out. This occurs because we don’t really like the guilt of not helping
someone out and we do like to be the one who is capable of helping.
5) If you want people to feel good, give them
validation. Rephrase what they just told you.
We love validation. Most of our actions are the outcome
of our need for validation. So what is the best way to get people to like
you? Give them what they need of course. A simple example, is when you are in a
conversation with another person and he says something really important for
him. After he finishes, rephrase what he just said in your own words. This will
make him think that you are a good listener and that you are really interested
in him. It makes him feel he is the centre of attention. That’s validation
right there.
6) If you want to get a positive response
from someone, nod while you talk.
This one is extremely powerful and also a bit
manipulative especially if the person is suggestive. So use it with your own
responsibility and in an ethical way. Getting a positive response from someone
is usually what we want. Whether it is making a sale, or promoting a viewpoint,
we always want people to get on board. Nodding while you try to deliver your
message is a powerful way to get the person to agree with you. People usually
like mimicking, so they will most probably nod back while you talk. This will
subsequently communicate to their brains that they have to agree with you.
7) Want to see if someone is paying attention
to what you are saying? Fold your arms.
Usually when we are in the middle of a conversation and
especially if we talk about something very important to us, we get lost in our
talking and rarely pay attention to whether the other person is following or
not. So instead of losing time talking to a person who is distracted and might
not even be interested in what you are saying, do this. Fold your arms while
talking and see if the other person follows your move. If the other person is
observing you and pays attention, they will most likely mimic you.
8) Having trouble remembering names? Repeat
the other person’s name during the conversation.
I suck at remembering names. I usually don’t even listen
to the other person when he says his name the moment we get introduced to each
other. So usually, I ask a friend to introduce himself to the person so I can
listen to his name. Then I forget it again. Awkward. Remembering names is very
important because we feel important when someone mentions us. So the moment you
meet someone repeat his name. Example: “Hi my name is Alex” “Nice to meet you
Alex. So, Alex how do you know John?” And continue to repeat his name
throughout the conversation.
9) If you ask someone a question and they
only partially answer, just wait. They will keep talking.
This is a very common situation when you don’t know the
other person that well or your question wasn’t clear enough. If they finish the
answer without providing a full answer, just wait. Stay silent and keep eye
contact. If the tension becomes unbearable, raise your eyebrows. It puts a bit
of pressure on them but it communicates that you show interest. It also
sub-communicates that you are a person that usually gets what he wants.
10) People usually focus on the emotion and
not on the subject.
This is very useful in public speaking but also in
building rapport with an acquaintance. Whenever you introduce yourself to new
people, most probably they have already heard what you are about to say. Well
that’s not a problem. Even if you want to talk about the most boring topic in
the world, make sure of one thing: Always try to evoke emotions. From my
experience the 3 emotions that you want to evoke are:
• Excitement
• Laughter:
Everyone likes to laugh
• Intrigue: Leave a little mystery so the other person
has to invest energy to hear more.
Don’t be purposely distant, but avoid verbal
diarrhea.
There are many techniques to turn a boring
conversation into an exciting and intriguing one, but here are a couple:
- Pause: A
lot of the time when we want to keep someone’s attention, we tend to
talk really fast, but this sub communicates neediness and nervousness. A
well-placed pause can create tension that makes your words have more
gravitas.
- Tone
and Inflection: No one finds monotone exciting.
Switch up your tone of voice from deep for declarative statements, to
high inflection when you want to leave them guessing.
- Paint
pictures and compose symphonies in their mind with sensory details:
When telling a story, take the person you’re talking to on an emotional
journey by describing the colours, sounds, textures, tastes, smells, and
how they made you feel. This will cause their mirror-neurons to fire
off, making it easier for them to imagine actually being there with you.
So if you want to be memorable, focus on the emotion
behind the words. People may forget what you say, but they will never forget
how you make them feel.
11) Confidence is more important than
knowledge.
Two young candidates walked into the interview office to
apply for the same job. The first one had a Phd, two Masters and a Bachelor’s
degree. The second one had just a Bachelor. The first one was kind of shy,
didn’t talk much, his body language was turned inward. The second one had an
upright posture, was looking the interviewers directly in the eyes, showed a
lot of interest in the job and his answers where emitting confidence. We don’t
have to tell you who got the job.
12) Fake it until you make it.
No one became an expert on anything over night. However,
the learning process in everything you do is accelerated by commanding your
brain to think what you want it to think. In simple words. You are what you believe
you are. • You are confident if you believe you are confident • You are
attractive if you believe you are attractive • You are extrovert if you believe
you are extrovert
13) Pose in a Power Stance.
This is similar to the previous point, but more concrete
than a mantra or belief. Go stand in the mirror, put your hands on your hips,
thrust your pelvic forward, pull your shoulders up, back and down, open your
chest, tilt your head up, and force the biggest smile you can possibly manage
to fit across your face. Even if you consciously know you’re just faking it,
your brain can’t tell the difference, and will release endorphins to match your
body position. This can feel silly, but it really works.
14) If you want to be persuasive, try and
reduce the use of the words “I think” and “I believe.”
I don’t really feel the need to elaborate on this one.
Obviously these words do not evoke confidence and the other person will most
probably not take you seriously. Change them to ‘I know’ and ‘I will’ instead.
15) A clean and organised environment affects
your mood, productivity, and others perception of who you are.
How many times have you waken up without any motivation
at all? How many times have you started working on something without being able
to get focused and inspired? Next time this happens, take a look around you. Is
your environment clean and well-organized? If not, take some minutes to clean
it up and put everything into place. You will feel refreshed and reborn and
productivity will spark immediately. But not only that, you will come across as
caring and punctual, two highly esteemed traits. Why do think most of the big
companies pay so much attention to creating the best working environment for
their employees? They know what makes them happy and how it affects their
productivity.
16) Want to find out which people are close
to each other within a group and who is perceived as the leader?
Pay attention to who is looking at each other when
everyone in the group laughs at a joke. People instinctively look at and agree
with the person they feel closest to within the group.
17) Whenever you call a person you want to
meet, show excitement!
Always have this in mind. Excitement is contagious. Why
do you think the music video from Pharrell Williams – “Happy” got so many views
and so many people were talking about it?
People love excitement! It is like an escape from their
boring lives. Never forget that.
(You can mirror this and show disappointment if somebody
let’s you down, making them painfully aware of their hurtful actions.)
18) Want to build rapport and gain respect?
Match body language.
This is quite a common topic among body language experts and
works well if you want to gain respect from a person that has high value.
Example:
You are in a social situation where a person has higher
value among others within the group. He is the centre of attention and he
totally enjoys it. How do you match his value? By befriending him!
If you want his respect and attention the best thing to
do when you approach him is to match his body language and speaking patterns.
If he has open body language and he talks with excitement and joy, don’t go
there with crossed arms and with an attitude of negating his words.
Approach him with the same amount of excitement and show
openness and interest.
19) When someone insults you, either ignore
him or mock him. Never lose temper. Always control the frame.
Haters are everywhere. The more you feed them with hate,
the stronger they become. Never lose your temper. This is a great example of
how to deal with a hater. Enjoy!
19) Stand up straight, have warm hands and
always keep eye contact.
• Keep a straight posture and walk like a born leader.
This sub-communicates confidence and others will respect
you automatically.
• Keep your hands out of your pockets. If you don’t know what to do with them,
it is better to fold your arms rather than keep them inside your pockets.
• Keep your hands warm. If you have a warm hand when you shake somebody’s hand,
you immediately become a more desirable person to get along with. Secret Tip –
wash your hands with warm water often to keep them warm or take cold
showers.
• You have heard this a thousand times. Here is the 1001st. – never lose eye
contact! Losing eye contact is like losing your confidence. One cool trick when
first meeting someone is to focus on their eye colour and smile at the same
time. The eyes are the gateway to the soul, and taking the extra second to gaze
shows you are confident and present. (Be sure to move your eyes away
periodically, a constant stare will creep people out.)
20) The Benjamin Franklin Effect.
The Ben Franklin effect is a psychological finding:
A person who has done someone a favour is more likely to
do that person another favor than they would be if they had received a favour from that person. Similarly, one who harms another is more willing to harm them
again than the victim is to retaliate.
This is an unbelievable finding. In social situations,
you can hack this by making someone do something small for you, then asking for
your true favour. It’s such a small favor that they will say yes, and due
to cognitive dissonance their brain will rationalize that they must like you
enough to do you a favour in the first place. This is also called the
foot-in-the-door effect.
21) Don’t be afraid to touch another person.
Touching someone on the shoulder or their knees creates
an emotional and physical bond. Especially during moments of joy, laughter and
excitement touching positively reinforces these traits. If you’re uncomfortable
with touching, remember to fake it until you make it.
22) Use the door-in-the-face hack.
The opposite of foot-in-the-door. Make an unreasonably
large request that will most likely be turned down (but if it isn't then that’s
even better!), and follow up with your true intended, more reasonable request.
The other person will be more likely to agree to the second request.
23) Always frame a request as a choice.
No one likes to feel pressured into doing something they
don’t want to do. By subtlety rephrasing a request, you can make the person feel
like they came to the decision on their own terms.
Homeless people who say things like, “it’s up to you if
you want to donate or not” end up making more money than those who simply ask
for money. The same is generally true for bands that offer “pay what you want”
payment structures for their music. They know you can easily download their
music for free off the internet, so they encourage you to pay what you feel is
right.
A slightly more aggressive technique is the assumptive
close:
This is a classic sales technique that can be used in any
social situation. Instead of asking for permission, “do you want to donate/go
on a date/get something to eat” assume that the person already
does. Of course, you can’t just force someone to do something, but a leading
question can nudge them in the right direction: “Would you like to donate 5
dollars or 10 dollars?”
Now instead of simply saying yes or no, they have to actively
deny your request and feel like a naysayer.
24) If you work in a bar or in customer
service of any kind…
Put a mirror behind you at the counter. When an angry
customer approaches you, he will have to see himself in the mirror and will
most probably calm down. Nobody likes ruining his image.
25) Chew gum if you are nervous.
Evolutionarily speaking, our brains assume that if we are
eating then we aren’t in any immediate danger, so the fight or flight response
is weakened.
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