Defining Marriage All Over Again

I have discussed in other posts about the issues that face couples when men retire. By retiring without discussing the effect the retirement can have on a relationship, can put their marriage out of sync. Couples dealing with, or facing an out-of-sync retirement can take a variety of actions to strengthen their relationship instead of weakening it. Step one is understanding what retirement is not. Couples may spend a lot of time talking and planning for what retirement could be but, if they never flip things over and agree what it won’t be, trouble can brew. Some men may feel that spending 30-40 years as the main breadwinner entitles them to some time off and a little relaxation. They forget that their spouse may have also spent as many years working both at home and away from home. By forgetting this and thinking that as  a man you deserve to relax is a big mistake. As a man your role is now to figure out what new role you play in the relationship.  Before you retired you spent much of your relationship apart except for evenings, weekends and vacations. You and your partner have to get to know each other again. It is not easy, my wife and I have been together almost 50 years and when we both retired it was hard to figure out our new roles.

Marriage is a funny thing. How you view it is drastically different if you are a teenager or youth with stars in your eyes compared to your vision of marriage when you have been ensconced in the practice for 20-30 years and looking toward a life in retirement as a married couple. Baby boomers have experienced every aspect of marriage from that early idealistic stage through divorces, various redefinitions of marriage and now taking their marriages into their retirement years. It may be that this next transition of marriage will bring as many changes to that special relationship as any that have gone before.

How you view marriage as you move toward your retirement years without a doubt depends on how marriage has gone for you over the decades. If marriages are rocked with difficulty, separations and other woes, retirement can bring a new dimension to that tension. On the other hand, part of the commission of retirement is to begin to seek resolution of life’s struggles so working together with each other in the context of marriage can bring tremendous healing in this phase of life.

Each era of life seems to bring a new opportunity to define marriage and how it will be an important part of life. When the baby boomer generation became parents, the shift was notable as retailers responded to their emphasis on being good moms and dads and away from youthful issues to some extent. Then as baby boomers moved through parenting and into the empty nest phase of life, that seemed to bring as many challenges as when that nest filled up with children decades before.

There is no question that real life in the context of a very real and functional marriage, even with the problems that brings is also a huge resource for us throughout life’s journey. While sometimes the romance can escape from the marriage relationship if life brings struggles and as our bodies go through changes, that partnership and intimacy of relationship is an incredible resource for coping with the big changes all baby boomers have had to face over the years.

This is the good thing about hanging in there with that marriage until you get to the stage of life most baby boomers are moving toward in this decade. The things that can rob a marriage of romance during the working part of your married years are the coming of children, the hard work of raising them, keeping a career moving forward in the tough business settings we have experienced in the last three decades and seeing your own relationship evolve under that kind of “pressure cooker” environment. 

But a significant amount of those pressures begin to lift when you are able to perhaps scale back the work life, enjoy the fruits of your labors and let the kids get out on their own. So that side of the pre-retirement years can actually be a fertile setting for a new romantic life between husband and wife to spring up. Many couples, as they leave the world of parenting behind, experience such late in life romantic rebirths. And this kind of late springtime in your relationship with your long time spouse can bring the birth of new creativity in many parts of your life making it one of the happiest phases of life for you and your husband or wife.

A marriage gets tested throughout youth and middle age and marriages that survive do so because of mutual support and the ability to accept the other member of the marriage and compromise. Since these traits will be well established in your relationship as you move into your fifties and sixties together, they will be a continuous resource to you as you face retirement issues, dealing with being a grandparent and being wise counsel for children who are facing life’s struggles for the first time.

But baby boomers should not be surprised if they see their marriages continue to change, grow and mature in new directions as each partner explores this phase of life for the first time as well. A marriage is a living thing so we can take joy from seeing it become something new each new decade as, as we have done often in the past, we start defining marriage all over again.

The socio-economic impact of pension systems

Back in 2011 the European Commission  took a look at pension issues called "The socio-economic impact of pension systems on the respective situations of women and men and the effects of recent  trends in pension reforms” it is interesting reading and can be downloaded here (PDF file). The main highlights are below. What is interesting is that the pace of progress on reform is moving at a very slow pace; it must be sped up to meet the needs identified.

The purpose of the study is to enhance our understanding of the socio-economic impact of  pension systems on the respective situation of women and men. The goal is to present a picture  of what takes place within the 27 Member States, the three EEA/EFTA countries and the three  candidate countries (Croatia, Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia and Turkey). The information considered in this report was provided mainly by the national experts of the EGGSI network of experts in gender equality, social inclusion, healthcare and long-term care supplemented by a wide-ranging review of the literature and comparative data available.

The study analyses contributory and assistance (non contributory) old-age pensions, focusing on the situation of women and men (both EU and non-EU nationals), and taking into account the challenges resulting from demographic change in terms of adequacy and gender equality, as well as the gender impact of recent pension reforms. Focusing on gender inequalities, the study places pension adequacy at the centre of discussion. 

Some findings:

• Gender differences in demographic and labour market trends affecting pension income 
• Increasing demographic pressures and socio-economic changes have forced since the 1990s  European countries to reform their pension systems in order to improve their sustainability in  the long run, with significant effects on their capacity to contain poverty risks in old age and reduce gender and inter-generational inequalities.

The main factors affecting pension systems can be summed up as follows: 

a. the demographic

challenge, as, on the one hand, the first cohorts of baby boomers have started retiring, while on 

the other hand Europe's working-age population is shrinking due to declining fertility rates. 

Moreover, as life expectancy increases, future generations will have progressively more years to live through in retirement on average; 

b. the changing structure of labour markets, with the 

increasing share of part-time and flexible employment and inadequate pension rights 

portability, often resulting in short and insufficient period of contributions, affecting women in 

particular; 

c. societal change with increasing differences in household patterns, such as single or 

cohabiting households, and growing divorce or family separation rates, posing further 

challenges to pension systems based on family or derived rights.

These factors entail heavy consequences on the sustainability of pension systems, on the one

hand, and on the adequacy of pension income on the other, affecting women in particular as the gender differences observed in life expectancy, in employment and in household patterns, imply that women are likely to have lower pension entitlements than men in old age and that different 

categories and generations of women are affected in different ways.

Poverty concerns older women more than older men

Income from pensions is the major source of income for women in old age, but the pensions 

women receive are lower than the men’s. The main causes for the pension gender gap, according to the literature, are that women earn less than men on average, work more often in part-time jobs and atypical contracts. More frequently than men, moreover, they tend to work in the informal labour market, have interrupted working careers and retire earlier. All these conditions have an impact on their lifetime earnings, influencing the duration and level of contributions to their pension records and the type of pension schemes they have access to. As a consequence, income levels for elderly women across Europe are significantly lower than for the rest of the population: despite the long-term improvement in contribution-based pensions and the existing old-age allowances, in most countries ageing women continue to experience higher poverty risks than their male counterparts, especially when over the age of 75. 

The increasing challenges posed by migration trends on pension system on pension systems

Another demographic aspect to be taken into consideration is migration trends, as labour 

migration is the main source of population growth in the European Union. The challenges it 

poses in host countries are increasing, as migrant men and women present lower employment 

rates, greater proportion in insecure jobs and the informal economy, exposing migrant workers 

to more serious risks of social exclusion and poverty than the resident population, and this is 

reflected in pension entitlements. 

The issue of social protection for migrant workers is particularly relevant both for men and for 

women, but for women the situation is even worse than that of men as undocumented but also 

legal migrant women are more exposed than men to working in the informal sector of the host 

country. The choice of many migrants to go back home after reaching pensionable age 

represents an additional challenge to the European countries pension systems, involving the 

issue of the pension portability rights – an issue which has not yet received adequate attention 

on the part of policymakers in European countries.

Women Showing Greater Commitment To Retirement Savings

Women have long trailed men when it comes to retirement savings but new data from MassMutual Retirement Services shows that women are responding to the challenge and are closing the gap.

Data from marketing campaigns and employer-sponsored retirement plans shows that women are responding more favorably than men to initiatives encouraging retirement saving, especially women aged 18-34, MassMutual reports. Retirement saving rates among women are also catching up to those of men, but women's average salary deferral or savings rates still lag behind those of their male counterparts.

"The longer-term trends show women are taking retirement savings more seriously and in some instances are now eclipsing men," said Elaine Sarsynski, Executive Vice President, MassMutual Retirement Services. "MassMutual is seeing increases in the rates that women respond to campaigns to boost their retirement savings. We're now finding that women's retirement savings account balances in defined contribution plans such as 401(k)s are climbing faster than men's."

MassMutual provides services for approximately 37,000 retirement plans with 2.8 million participants and a total of $148 billion in assets under management as of June 30, 2014.

MassMutual, in analyzing its data on retirement plan participants, found that the average retirement savings balance for women was up 17 percent from a year ago and 71 percent from 2009. The gap between the average balance between women and men narrowed to 37.8 percent in the second quarter from 40.5 percent in 2010.

Earlier this year, a campaign sponsored by MassMutual to encourage retirement plan participants to increase their deferral or savings rates yielded higher response rates for women than men. Younger women aged 18-34 led all retirement savers who increased their deferral rates. Women in this category increased their response rates by 38 percent from 2013 and 55 percent from 2012. Women aged 35-54 also showed more interest in retirement savings, with response rates rising by 42 percent from the same time last year.

MassMutual is seeing greater interest in retirement savings on the part of women overall and younger women in particular because the firm has been able to more tightly segment specific target markets and appeal to narrower demographic groups on their terms, according to Sarsynski. Retirement-saving messages, graphics, images and photos and delivery vehicles are being tailored to fit market segments to better connect with retirement plan participants, she explained.

While those marketing efforts are gaining traction, the average salary deferral rate for women continues to trail men, 5.37 percent to 5.70 percent of compensation, respectively. However, the deferral rates for women have remained fairly steady since 2010 while the rates for men have declined.

There are differences in deferral rates not only by gender but by industry and geography:

The states with the top three average salary deferral percentages among women were:

Montana (8.56 percent), Michigan (8.02 percent) and Rhode Island (7.53 percent); the lowest three states for women were West Virginia (4.49 percent), Mississippi (4.77 percent) and New Mexico (4.98 percent).

The states with the top three average salary deferral percentages among men were:
Montana (8.18 percent), Hawaii (8.13 percent) and Delaware (7.73 percent); the lowest three states for men were Arkansas (5.35 percent), Mississippi (5.43 percent) and Utah (5.55 percent).

The industries with the top three average salary deferral percentages among women were healthcare and social assistance; manufacturing; and finance and insurance.

The industries with the top three average salary deferral percentages among men were manufacturing; professional, scientific and technical services; and finance and insurance.

"There are real differences between how men and women think about retirement savings and respond to messages that encourage retirement savings," Sarsynski said. "MassMutual continues to learn more about those differences and is increasingly focusing on specific demographic trends to better tailor our retirement education, marketing and messaging to help our three million participants retire on their own terms."

Finances not the only thing needing adjustment in retirement

As a man I enjoyed the following article from In the Suburbs  written by Steven Gaynes, published March 2, 2014 here

The best thing about being the token male in a weekly quilting guild of nine women, including my wife, is listening to some lively discussions about family and retirement. The discussion among some of the seniors last week was about dealing with husbands who have retired or are planning to retire.

Guys, if you've already retired, you'll find this feedback very enlightening. And if you're still working but figuring out what you'll need to survive financially, you'd better listen up, too.

Retirement for some of my female quilting colleagues hasn't been a perpetual walk in the park because their husbands had never planned what they'd do with their time.

One quilter had the floor for most of the evening, and the rest of us just commented as she told her story. Her husband had a busy work life, and when their four children were growing up, she often asked him to spend more time at home with the family. He politely reminded her that there were bills, a mortgage and other expenses, and he had to work hard.

She was frustrated, but she quietly continued raising the kids and eventually developed passions for quilting and volunteer work. While he worked, she enriched her life with friends, church work and other pursuits.

Now that he's retired, this husband wants to spend every waking minute with his busy wife. They shop together, although that's not always her choice. He's always around the house, which cramps her space, and what she thought was going to be an easy life in retirement often is a minefield.

Sadly, her husband has no male friends, no hobbies to take him out of the house and little motivation to try new things. She can't even escape to her sewing room for peace and quiet without her husband asking when she's coming out, she said. And she's often tempted to stay in there.

While she loves traveling with her husband, she is planning several getaways on her own with friends. She needs those for her mental health, she said.

Another quilter jumped in and said she's cringing about having her husband retire in 40 days. Thankfully, she pointed out, her husband loves to work on cars, so she's expecting that he'll be busy doing that. But he hardly knows his way around a kitchen, she said, and will probably expect to be served evey meal.

This woman has built a well-rounded, day-to-day routine of quilting, get togethers with friends and volunteer work. She doesn't want to waste a lot of time planning recreational activities if her husband becomes bored.

Listening to these stories, I'm happy to say that I have no intention of retiring anytime soon -- if at all. First, I can't afford to retire, but if I could, the last place I'd want to be is home and underfoot. Even now, my home office is at one end of the house. My wife is at the other end, doing some social work and sewing.

We both love quilting, but only together Monday evenings when our guild meets. The rest of the time, my wife will sew and quilt far into the night and is quite content to be alone in her private space on our lower level.

I have a lot of male friends and enjoy getting together with them for coffees, breakfasts and lunches when I have free time. I find those times together relaxing and interesting and we can talk about everything from sports to politics and relationships. And our wives like it that way, because they have their own circle of friends.

I've heard from friends, some of whom retired in their 50s, that while they dreamed of regular, extended vacations and wanted their wives to become available playmates, they quickly realized that retirement life was going to be a perpetual trip. Much as travel is exhilarating, husbands and wives needed time for a normal routine.

Listening to my fellow quilters, I've come to realize that planning for retirement goes beyond financial details. It demands that husbands and wives listen closely to each other as retirement approaches and really hear what each other's expectations are.

Part of the retirement plan must be that spouses will respect each other's personal spaces and established routines. Obviously there are so many other considerations, but maintaining each spouse's self esteem and independence should remain at the top of any couple's planning list to avoid trouble in senior paradise.

vive la diffrence

As a Director of SHARE Family Services I was attending a celebration of Volunteers for the SHARE Family Services and I was sitting at  table with two older men who worked at the Thrift Store. As the luncheon progressed we started talking and the conversation moved around a number of topics. I asked about how they came to be volunteers  and they talked their commitment to the organization. We also talked about grandchildren, travel, retirement plans and genealogy, as well as many other interesting topics, not once did we talk sports.

At the end of the meal, two of the woman volunteers came around with home made desserts and the woman seemed to know the two men very well, and the woman asked what we were talking about, our conversation was not loud, but we were all enjoyng the discussion--at the time we were talking about joys of travelling so I was surprised when one of the men said, "Oh you know us, we were just talking guy stuff." The ladies laughed and said, "Oh ya, sports and cars, we know you guys." then moved on to the next table. I didn't say anything as I did not want to contradict the man and we continued our conversation about travelling and about children.

I thought about this for a few days and wondered why had the women assumed we were just talking sports and cars, and why did we agree with that thought.  Have men and women of my generation been  conditioned to belief the stereotypes that advertisers create for us? I hope not, but I suspect that it may be safer for some to hold onto the stereotypes, so we don't have to question our own beliefs.