Saying the right thing at the right time

 It is interesting to me that many of us do not believe in our ability to say the right thing at the right time. Sometimes saying nothing is saying the right thing, sometimes words of comfort are correct.  When we were younger some of us never worried about what we said. When I was younger, I had a friend who prided himself on saying the unexpected that sometimes bordered on being rude. I heard him say many times, “If I don’t say it no one will, I am not ashamed of being the a**h*le here.” Most of the time he was correct in his view. When I was young, I sometimes would play his role but found it unrewarding.

Saying the right thing means speaking your truth when you know others don’t want to hear it or speaking to those who are hurting. As I grew older,  I learned that speaking my truth to those in power was easy if I did not try to belittle or embarrass. At first, I used words to try to hurt and humiliate, but over time, as I spoke truth to those who needed to be told the truth,(as I saw it) I did learn to be more diplomatic and took steps to not embarrass anyone.

I learned this lesson when I was teaching my Masters's students. I had one older man who was a leader in his school, explain to me that when he disagreed with his Principal, he would take time to meet with him privately and if they could not come to an agreement or understanding he would then raise the issue publically. He said that 95% of the time the private conversations solved or resolved the issue. I listened and put his ideas into practice in my professional and private life.

The harder part of saying the right thing is when someone is hurting or grieving. Since I lost both my parents when I was young, I can and do say “I have some understanding of what you are going through but I am here if you need me. For those searching for the right thing as we know more people who have lost loved ones, here are some words

·        I am so sorry for your loss.

·        I wish I had the right words; just know I care.

·        I don't understand how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can.

·        You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.

·        My favourite memory of your loved one is…

·        I am always just a phone call away.

Until everyone believes in their own ability to say exactly the right thing, at exactly the right time, to exactly the right person there is help, just reach out.

Living the dream

It's not the dazzling voice that makes a singer, or clever stories that make a writer. And it's not piles of money that make a tycoon. All of this helps when we are searching for success. Having talent is a good start to success. However, we all know that there are many amazing singers in the world and many writers who tell amazing, touching and/or chilling tales. These creative souls are living their dream yet many of them fail to become famous, yet they are not bitter or sad.

It's because they have a dream and are willing and wanting to live it that they would rather move with it and "fail" than succeed in another realm. They are brave souls who live their dream according to their vision and to their purpose. They do not live to the expectations nor do they listen to the opinions of others that want them to change their dream. They are successful because in their circle, they are outstanding because they not only do what others have done, albeit in a different way but they stand out by doing what no one in their circle has ever done before.  In life, being outstanding is good but standing out better. So, to be a leader, read, lead, dream, explore, discover, stand out and succeed.

If you live your dream and focus on what you do well, then maybe you might become famous, if that is your dream. When I was growing up there was a saying that I embraced, and which helps me as I move through life. “It is nice to be famous, but it is hell to be the rage.” For those who have lived in a spotlight, you know what this saying means.

 

Learning to live

 One of the best blogs I read is Brain Pickings by Maria Popova which is thought provoking and stimulating. The following is from her post on learning to live and learning to die.

Every act of living is an act of learning to die, of apprenticing ourselves to the loss of this moment. If we are thoughtful and tender with ourselves, the terror of the loss cusps into transcendence, the grief into gratitude, into a nonspecific gladness enveloping everything that ever was and ever will be, enveloping us in the sense of ourselves as nothing more than particles passing between not yet and no more, nothing less than particular, particulate miracles bewildered and bewildering in their passage.

That is what poet Ross Gay explores with his light and luminous touch in one of the highlights from the fourth annual Universe in Verse, the poem “Ode to Buttoning and Unbuttoning My Shirt”

by Ross Gay

No one knew or at least
I didn’t know
they knew
what the thin disks
threaded here
on my shirt
might give me
in terms of joy
this is not something to be taken lightly
the gift
of buttoning one’s shirt
slowly
top to bottom
or bottom
to top or sometimes
the buttons
will be on the other
side and
I am a woman
that morning
slipping the glass
through its slot
I tread
differently that day
or some of it
anyway
my conversations
are different
and the car bomb slicing the air
and the people in it
for a quarter mile
and the honeybee’s
legs furred with pollen
mean another
thing to me
than on the other days
which too have
been drizzled in this
simplest of joys
in this world
of spaceships and subatomic
this and that
two maybe three
times a day
some days
I have the distinct pleasure
of slowly untethering
the one side
from the other
which is like unbuckling
a stack of vertebrae
with delicacy
for I must only use
the tips
of my fingers
with which I will
one day close
my mother’s eyes
this is as delicate
as we can be
in this life
practicing
like this
giving the raft of our hands
to the clumsy spider
and blowing soft until she
lifts her damp heft and
crawls off
we practice like this
pushing the seed into the earth
like this first
in the morning
then at night
we practice
sliding the bones home.

Why diversity can be difficult

Although most people would not consider themselves to be prejudiced, we are conditioned to categorize information and make instinctive judgements, often based on physical characteristics, when determining who is in our ‘in-group’ or ‘out-group’.

These arise from prevailing societal beliefs and circumstances together with evolutionary suspicion of the unfamiliar. This is done, by many without thinking and is called unconscious bias. The concept of unconscious bias relates to beliefs and intentions which are shaped by society, upbringing and environments. They are often deeply ingrained, automatic and can create ‘blind spots’ which affect behaviour. We all have unconscious biases, and while in most cases they will fall short of overt discrimination, they may nonetheless result in unconsciously favouring a person of a particular demographic.

Cultural stereotypes can register on the brain in one-fifth of a second, but can take a lot of time to overcome. Someone who we initially consider to be in our ‘out-group’ will have to do a lot more to overcome our initial judgements, unless we consciously try to create a more egalitarian environment.

We have to work at minimizing our biases with the ultimate aim to assess another person based entirely on their skills and abilities, ignoring any assumptions about the demographic to which they belong to. This cycle can be very difficult to break, but the first step in reducing the impact of unconscious biases is to recognize them and spend time developing a greater awareness of them. Some ways to help this include:

·       Being conscious of implicit biases when evaluating performance, making a hire, or nominating a team member for promotion.

o   An awareness of the potential biases involved in decision making means people are less likely to lean on mental shortcuts and make them more  aware of the potential biases involved in the decision.

·       Engaging with diverse groups of people.

o   Working with individuals of different groups is one of the most effective ways of breaking down reliance on assumptions, biases and stereotypes

·       Reflecting on personal values, cultural norms and behaviours.

o   The more we learn about ourselves, the more we are aware of how the lens we see through affects our behaviour towards other people.

A time for every purpose

When I was growing up my mom had the following hung up on the wall in the kitchen and I read it every morning as I sat down for breakfast.

To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, And a time to die; A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill, And a time to heal; A time to break down, And a time to build up;
A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing.


This poem comes from the book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible. The book of Ecclesiastes, which for those who don't know, are the musings of a King of Jerusalem as he relates his experiences and draws lessons from them, often self-critical. 

My mom like many others believed that there was a purpose in life and that these few words summarized the seasons and the up's and downs of life that we all face.

We all face times to weep and times to mourn. These events are part of human existence but for every setback, disappointment and heartbreak perhaps you should ask yourself, "What does this create the opportunity for?" As the poem above states, there is also a time to dance, a time to embrace and a time to build up, which means for every disappointment, and heartache there is also an opportunity.

And this is the gift of life, everything has a reason and opportunity is always just around the corner.

Do you avoid?

Funny, huh, how some folks think that avoiding challenges will bring them peace?

You know that it does not work, so how can you stop avoiding the challenge you’ve been avoiding?

Create awareness by asking, “What am I doing right now?” Throughout the day, set reminders or put little notes that remind you to ask, “What am I doing right now?” The answer might be, “Checking Facebook,” or “Switching to a new browser tab,” or “Eating some chips.” Something simple and mundane like that, but just ask yourself what you’re doing, to start to bring awareness.

Next, ask yourself, “What am I avoiding?”  Some of us, when things get difficult or uncomfortable, automatically switch to something else.  Ask what you’re avoiding: some fear, some difficult task, some difficult emotion, some discomfort, or just staying present in the current moment? Name what you’re avoiding.

Take appropriate action. Now that you’ve faced and named it, you can act like an adult and can decide what the best action is right now and one action is to:

Chunk it or separate it into smaller steps.

After dividing the problem into feasible parts, work through the easiest steps first. For example, when I am starting to create a new PowerPoint on a senior issue, I first break down the task into “gathering the research, reading the research talking to experts, pulling out the main points to cover, developing the take-aways, creating a list of resources, developing an outline, finding images,  and then creating a draft.“

Access your inner wisdom.

We all have the voice inside our heads that tells us when we are moving in a direction that we know is wrong. We need to take the time to listen to that voice. This voice, some call inner wisdom others call a conscious allows us to consider the consequences and what’ll be most helpful in the long term. By listening to this voice, you take into account your emotions, logical thinking and intuition.

Be accountable to yourself or others.

For instance, if you’re socially anxious, and have been invited to a party go and speak to two new people even if that feels scary.

Seek support.

If you don’t have the skills or knowledge you need to seek support by seeing a therapist, reading a book, taking a class or talking to a friend who has experience dealing with similar situations.

Our minds want to run from whatever discomfort, pain, the difficulty we’re facing … and this is a good strategy for temporarily not having to deal with difficulty and pain. However, this means we are at the mercy of our fears. We are like little children who don’t want to do any hard work but want the latest shiny fun thing.

Life moves on and, in the end, we usually have to deal with the challenges that we have put off, but by putting them off, some of them just get worse. Too late, we realize that it would have been better to face them early on.

Of course, not all problems will just evaporate using this method, but I can tell you that you’ll be able to face many more things as you practice this method. You’ll get better at dealing with discomfort, instead of running from it as most people do. You’ll get better at not procrastinating, and doing uncomfortable tasks and become more at peace. As if the peace you now know didn't come from earlier challenges that were faced, and mastered. Oh, you forgot about that, well that is not really that funny, is it?

Do you see?

You can choose to go, do, and be and in the end you'll exclaim, shocked and bewildered, that because of all the synchronicities of your life, all the "clicks" and "coincidences," and the many happy "accidents," your bounty and good fortune must have been your destiny.

Or, you might choose to wait for a miracle, a saviour, or divine intervention, and in the end you'll exclaim, shocked and bewildered, that because of all the synchronicities of your life, all the missed chances and disappointments, and the many unhappy accidents, your lack and misfortune must have been your destiny. 

Do you see what the difference is? 

Get out more

Some of us isolate ourselves and complain that we are isolated. Others who are isolated reach out and try to connect with others. Isolation is dangerous to your health, but remember there's always a price to be paid for doing, being, and having more, but it has little to do with working harder or knowing the "right" people. 

In as a few words as possible, it often boils down to simply “getting out more." 

Dreams small and large

Considering your grandest and most glorious dreams. When your thoughts and visualizations pertain to the "hows" (how they will come true), or when they include an insistence upon unimportant details (virtually all details are unimportant; think of them, yes, but just don't attach to them), or when they require specific people to behave in specific ways... at the very best, your efforts will only increase the likelihood of your desired dream coming to pass.

Whereas, when your grandest and most glorious dreams are BIG-picture items, like rocking abundance, total fulfillment, amazing health, vivacious happiness, and the like, the floodgates of success begin to powerfully tremble and your manifestation becomes inevitable. Interesting is it not?

Take some time off

Every so often, I recommend that you take time off. You know, go to theme parks, ride roller coasters, and people watch. Sit on the beach, walk through the forest, and listen to music.

Just kick back, relax, and let everything run on autopilot. Once you do that you may realize that you are not indispensable. Once you realize that you are replaceable, then you can relax and enjoy the ride and not worry about whether things will go on without you. Did you notice that life goes on without you? You did, then take some time and why not enjoy life? 

When we find inspiration

I find it interesting the way our minds work, invariably the 5 minutes of inspiration we need to totally rock the world and transform our lives, will come at the end of hours, weeks, months, or even years' worth of floundering, frivolity, false starts, and seeming hopelessness.

Yet when the dream comes true and we glance over our shoulder, we see that those 5 minutes were made possible because of everything that led up to them and that we never needed to be so critical of ourselves or the time it was taking.

Don't despair, we sometimes have to make mistakes, stumble around, flounder and make many false starts to know what the right thing to do is for ourselves and others. Remember, we are not perfect, we are human and I believe that we can learn from our mistakes and grow into the person we see in our mind's eye. We may make one mistake, but once the lesson is learned we usually don't make the same mistake again. Life is not perfect, but as my friends say it is better than the alternative. 

Embrace the fact that as you have progressed through life, you have made mistakes, hopefully, you have corrected your mistakes, if you haven't now is the time to correct them. It is only too late to move in the right direction when you are dead, or cannot speak for yourself.

Power

We all have power, but some of us don't believe we do and give their power away. Here are the top 10 ways people give away their power:

1. Asking others what they should do. 
2. Thinking God decides who gets what. 
3. Worrying about how their dream will come true. 
4. Thinking they have dues to pay. 
5. Attaching to unimportant details and outcomes. 
6. Believing in soul mates. 
7. Thinking karma or spiritual contracts are absolute. 
8. Fear of anything, especially falling in love. 
9. Waiting for their ducks to line up before acting. 
10. Choosing to be unhappy. 

So if the above are the top ten ways to give away your power, here are the top ten ways to keep your power. Understand the truth and you will soar.

1. Stop asking others what you should do, decide yourself.
2. God does not decide who gets what, humans do and that means you decide
3. Visualize your dream coming true.
4. Understand that you have no dues to pay, you have already paid them
5. Details can overwhelm, look to the big picture and move forward
6. There is no such thing as a soul mate, there are people who come into your life who you love or who you don't love. 
7. Karma or spiritual contracts, if you believe in them are always negotiable.. 
8. Fall in love, it is an emotional scary place, but worth the effort, even if the person you love leaves.
9. Act first, if needed apologize later. Taking action is more meaningful if you have a plan, but an action is always more important than waiting.
10. Choose to be happy. Happy is a state of mind, and you get to choose, every day how you face the world and you decide if you want to be happy or not. You may live longer if you choose happily.

Confused

Thought you might find this interesting. Thanks to Judy for sharing.

I used to think I was just a regular person, but I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist. I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist.

I am heterosexual, which now makes me a homophobe.

I am mostly union, which makes me a traitor to the country while still a friend of the working class and an enemy of big business.

I was baptized a Christian but became an atheist, which now labels me as an infidel for all religions.

I am retired, which makes me useless.

I think and I reason, therefore, I doubt much that the mainstream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.

I am proud of my heritage, which makes me a xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.

I (and most of the folks I know), acquired a fair education without huge student loan debts and little or no debt, which makes me some kind of an odd underachiever.

I believe in the defense and protection of my country and I honor those who served in the Armed Forces, which now makes me a right wing-militant.

Please help me come to terms with the new me... because I'm just not sure who the hell I am anymore!

Funny ... it’s all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years; prior to which I had no confusion or delusions about myself.

As if all this nonsense wasn’t enough to deal with ... Now I’m not even sure which toilet to go into!

More thoughts on chance meetings

As I left the discussion was on how to affect change in our selves or in our society, and the answers were mixed and confusing. 

So, I wandered back and said, "Okay, here's the skinny. The answer to your question. The way, the light, the door. The most overlooked truth in reality. And the one that requires the most "uncommon sense" to fully grasp.

When it comes to effecting change (big or little, but especially big), manifesting the life of your dreams, or getting that perfect parking space, "thinking" is immeasurably more valuable when used to imagine what you want – the end result - than to figure out how you're going to get it."

As I left the group people looked at me and thought I must be getting senile, but I smiled and watched as they all began to schlep through the big parking lot looking for their cars.

Finding true happiness

It takes a really special person, someone quite extraordinary, to find true happiness in the lap of luxury surrounded by wealth and abundance, friends and laughter, and choices, choices, choices.

And funnily enough, it's usually the exact same kind of person who can be happy without all that, spending time alone, maybe with a book, or some tools, or a dog for the odd distraction.

Get my drift?

We can learn from children

Here are a few techniques learned from children that will help anyone take their game, or their life, to a whole new level:

1. Once a day playfully imagine that you're already there.
2. Frequently speak in gratitude as if you've already arrived.
3/ Keep practising until you master the thing you are trying to do.
4. When you get discouraged imagine that you are finished.
5. Be surprised at everything that is new
6. Appreciate your friends
7. And, every now and then, physically do something you never would have done at the old level... like praise yourself, reward yourself, or cluck a few times with thumbs under your arms.

A subtle tip

I know it is hard to start something new, or to meet someone new, or to start a new hobby, or to quit a bad habit. The gurus' out there on the Net, on TV or Radio, or on their Podcasts or Youtube channels make us think it is easy. Well, it may be if you follow my subtle tip, (to be kept strictly confidential). The act of not starting is a sign that you are resistance to moving ahead with the new. So here is how to beat resistance:

First, imagine once you start the project, or break the ice, someone else will be finishing for you.

Second, when you start, tell yourself that whatever you do, however, it turns out, however much you like or dislike your progress, the entire world will be going crazy over your extraordinary talent. 

Third, tell yourself that people will be standing in line to catch a glimpse of you, writing books about your childhood, and asking their social media friends how come you're so totally cool.

A journey is like a haircut

Any attempt to measure one's progress in life by assessing their present physical surroundings, including a panoramic glance of their past, is seriously shortsighted. 

The reason being is that each journey, kind of like a haircut, should never be fully appraised until it's complete. Otherwise, one could mistake a miracle-in-the-making for a setback, loss, or the "wet-look.

Life lessons learned

Many of us play "follow the leader in life." This is an important role, but sometimes we need to play the leadership role. Leadership is not easy and not something many of us want to do, however, I always believed that I could count on myself and my friends to uncover the truth and play a leadership role when required while others just played.

I was never surprised to find myself standing by my principles when the going got tough. And there was never any doubt in my mind that when faced with a fork in the road, that I would take the path less travelled.

Over a lifetime, this has lead to many adventures, some good, some bad, but I never had any idea that life would reward me for taking the path less travelled. 

How have you followed your path, have you been a follower or a leader and have you travelled the path less followed? If you have you know how much fun it can be. Life is great and the adventure continues.

Dwelling on the unimportant

Dwelling on the unimportant, stressing on the unintended, and freaking over the unknown, simply doesn't work... and are a bit like lighting a match in a dark room to make sure no one accidentally sprinkled any gunpowder on your bicycle, kept under the stairs, near the back porch, in January.

Actually, some of that wasn't really important, but hopefully, it distracted from any stigma you may have attached to freaking over the unknown